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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

166 replies

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

OP posts:
FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 22:04

Nina1013 · 02/08/2025 21:41

In theory I understand what you’re saying - it lowers his borrowing because supporting 2 people on one salary is a bigger risk. However, I don’t think it’s likely he will get the mortgage through without you on it, because lenders generally like (insist) on both partners who will be living in the property to be on the mortgage. It may well be kicked back pre offer (post agreement in principle).

He's supporting her whether she's on the mortgage or not. If the intention is to pretend that OP doesn't exist at all and isn't financially reliant on her DH then that's mortgage fraud. It's a criminal offence and both of them would be in huge trouble.

Kelticgold · 02/08/2025 22:05

If she is so difficult, even if she lends you the money, then she would have to comply with AML regulations. Would she happily do that?

Nina1013 · 02/08/2025 22:07

FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 22:04

He's supporting her whether she's on the mortgage or not. If the intention is to pretend that OP doesn't exist at all and isn't financially reliant on her DH then that's mortgage fraud. It's a criminal offence and both of them would be in huge trouble.

Show quote history

That was my point. It’ll be picked up post agreement in principle and kicked back.

Bank statements etc will all show she exists.

FinancialThyme · 02/08/2025 22:09

Nina1013 · 02/08/2025 22:07

That was my point. It’ll be picked up post agreement in principle and kicked back.

Bank statements etc will all show she exists.

Show quote history

I know, I was agreeing and emphasising. You're right

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/08/2025 22:09
  1. Do NOT accept this 'gift', too many controlling strings, not worth the hassle.
  2. Absolutely make sure YOUR NAME is on the mortgage. If it isn't, they won't put it on the Deeds either. The house will be in your DH's sole name. This puts you in a vulnerable position.

Who told you about borrowing less in joint names? Your DH or the broker? You need a different broker. I know a good one if you want to PM me for his details.

When my DH & I bought our first home together, I'd just started maternity leave. My DH had attended all the mortgage appointments as he did it away where he was working. When the Land Registry documents came through to sign, I queried with our Conveyancer why my name wasn't down. I only then found out that the mortgage advisor had decided by themselves that I wasn't worthy to have my name on the mortgage because I wasn't working (I'd literally finished working the week before, and was putting down a very hefty deposit to the house). I was pretty angry and made her add me to the mortgage, which delayed the move and really pissed her off. She made me out to be difficult. She hadn't explained to my husband either that she hadn't included me on the mortgage. She made me feel worthless, despite the fact I had been earning double what my husband earned until the week before. Don't let this happen to you.

Sortin · 02/08/2025 22:16

The solicitor will want to know where the deposit comes from and if it's a gift will want proof. A lender won't lend if it's a loan.

It's sad really. My DS is just buying a house and I'm so thrilled for him. I gave him the deposit years ago no strings attached.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2025 22:16

If DM were to die within seven years of making the gift, you would be liable for inheritance tax on it. Worth considering if it is tied up ina non realisable asset like a house.

Theuntamed · 02/08/2025 22:36

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2025 22:16

If DM were to die within seven years of making the gift, you would be liable for inheritance tax on it. Worth considering if it is tied up ina non realisable asset like a house.

Only if the estate is over the IHT limit though, most aren’t.

Gingercatlover · 02/08/2025 23:45

What will you do if she decides she wants some of it back though? Would you be able to afford to just find the money, too many unanswered questions.

Enrichetta · 02/08/2025 23:52

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2025 22:16

If DM were to die within seven years of making the gift, you would be liable for inheritance tax on it. Worth considering if it is tied up ina non realisable asset like a house.

I thought inheritance tax gets charged to the estate.

LemondrizzleShark · 02/08/2025 23:56

AlloaintheMiddle · 02/08/2025 21:31

Sorry but why is the mortgage lower with you on it?

Because she isn’t working so is classed as a dependent. If she isn’t in the mortgage, she will be ignored. If she is on it, she won’t be.

We had the same situation with DH, who was self employed and couldn’t prove his income. So he isn’t on the deeds or mortgage.

4forksache · 03/08/2025 00:04

You say the deposit is yours and dp gets the mortgage in his name, then you can both be on the deeds.

Tell her that you want her to accept your choice of house and be happy for you. Tell her if she can’t do that then you don’t want the money. You need to decide yourself where and how you want to live.

YeOldy · 03/08/2025 00:14

@FinancialThyme
You cannot be a legal owner of the house if you're not on the mortgage.
That’s not technically true in the UK. Most mortgage lenders won’t allow it but there are circumstances where it’s possible and where it happens.

Abitofalark · 03/08/2025 00:47

Well the first thing is to tell her why you like the house, the location, the amenities and all that it offers and why it suits you and you prefer it to a new build or whatever else.

You can then point out to her that buying a house is an emotional as well as practical and financial business. It's like choosing a husband. You have to fancy him and fall in love and want to marry him and live with him. It doesn't matter if someone shows you the greatest person on earth. Regardless of his gifts and qualities, if he doesn't appeal to you and you don't take to him personally, you can't be made to have him.

And just as you'd have to live with him, you are the ones who will have to live in the house and you cannot possibly have that decision and choice of house made by anyone else, no matter how much you love and appreciate them.
She won't be living in it. It can only be the choice of those who will.

Last, can you enlist your father or brother to put in a word for you to help soften her dictatorial tendencies on this?

On buying under your own steam, if finances are tight, consider the mortgage term. How long is it under your application / offer? Mortgages don't have to be what used to be the standard 25 years, and age limits for paying them off have gone up in many cases.
Taking out a loan over a longer term could help and would lower the monthly payments, making it easier to manage the transitional period until you get back to work in a couple of years' time. Then you could up the payments.

florathedress · 03/08/2025 00:52

Make sure you are on the deeds if not the mortgage

spoonbillstretford · 03/08/2025 00:52

Take the money, buy the house and tell her to butt out. Also once they have given over the money it's a gift, they can't legally ask for it back.

Comtesse · 03/08/2025 00:52

Zempy · 02/08/2025 21:37

Why are you moving closer to her? Shouldn’t you be considering 100 miles in the opposite direction?

Yup. The mere thought of her hissing at you at a family party made my stomach sink. Don’t let her call the shots, it’s got disaster written all over it.

Helpmefindmysoul · 03/08/2025 00:55

Nina1013 · 02/08/2025 21:41

In theory I understand what you’re saying - it lowers his borrowing because supporting 2 people on one salary is a bigger risk. However, I don’t think it’s likely he will get the mortgage through without you on it, because lenders generally like (insist) on both partners who will be living in the property to be on the mortgage. It may well be kicked back pre offer (post agreement in principle).

That’s not true, the OP would just have to sign an occupiers waiver consent form to state that in the event the borrower cannot meet their financial obligations they would not have any claim to the property and would vacant as required. Any individual over the age of 18 residing at the property are required to sign this at the point of the borrower signing the mortgage deed.

TwinklyNight · 03/08/2025 01:12

I would not accept the money under the circumstances.

milkandhoney2 · 03/08/2025 01:20

Comtesse · 03/08/2025 00:52

Yup. The mere thought of her hissing at you at a family party made my stomach sink. Don’t let her call the shots, it’s got disaster written all over it.

Show quote history

That

my mum did the same and then blackmailed me over everything with it. Don’t take the money

Motheranddaughter · 03/08/2025 01:20

florathedress · 03/08/2025 00:52

Make sure you are on the deeds if not the mortgage

Most lenders will not allow this

MuckFusk · 03/08/2025 03:35

I'm sorry she is being so controlling. Parents can get that way and when they do you have to shut it down immediately. My parents were critical of nearly every house I ever bought because they didn't like that I wanted to live in a small town instead of a suburban area like them. I would just say something like; "It's a shame that you feel that way, but I'm buying it so you might as well get used to it." Then they would shut up about it, but they probably seethed with resentment a bit. Not my problem. 🤷

I would just be straight with your mother. Tell her that gifting you the money does not mean she gets to decide what house you choose, and if she thinks it does, you no longer want the money. Shut that control freak bullshit down. Don't let her get away with it because you feel indebted. The fact that it's a gift means you get to do whatever you want with it. There should never be strings attached to a gift. If there are, it's a manipulative ploy.

Nina1013 · 03/08/2025 07:31

Helpmefindmysoul · 03/08/2025 00:55

That’s not true, the OP would just have to sign an occupiers waiver consent form to state that in the event the borrower cannot meet their financial obligations they would not have any claim to the property and would vacant as required. Any individual over the age of 18 residing at the property are required to sign this at the point of the borrower signing the mortgage deed.

Show quote history

Yes to this but it would still impact the borrowing because the multiple without her is higher because it’s being run as though she doesn’t exist. So he could borrow without her (as you say with the form) but at the ceiling that would be with her. It’s reduced because he is the sole provider for 2 people not just 1. It’s nothing to do with her being a risk personally, it’s how far his salary is being stretched as he’s supporting them both.

So when they do further checks pre mortgage offer, it’ll flag that she does exist and then the multiple offered will reduce in line.

WonderingWanda · 03/08/2025 07:36

I wouldn't take the money. Buy the house you want and stop expecting approval from your mother, she sounds like a real pain.

ToffeeForEveryone · 03/08/2025 08:08

Do not take the money. It will hang over everything, forever, if you do.

I would also seriously think again about moving closer.