Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

[Asbusyasabee]

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

Don’t have the money and advise her to keep her oar out of your house hunting

There seems to be some confusion on the mortgage/finance/legal side of things:

1. It is technically, legally possible to be an owner on the deeds of a property but not listed on the mortgage. There isn’t a reputable lender on the planet who would lend on those grounds. They simply would not do it. If someone is saying that they can or would do that on an initial residential mortgage with two individuals (like OP’s situation) they are either misinformed or a scammer. It categorically doesn’t happen. Do we really think some of the most financially sophisticated businesses in the world are going to be handing out hundreds of thousands of pounds with absolutely no collateral? If an owner isn’t listed on the mortgage, they can’t repossess the property in the event of default.
2. The mother would need to explicitly declare that the £50,000 is a flat-out gift. If there is any intention at all to recoup any of it under any circumstances at any time, the mortgage lender will factor that into affordability.
3. The only possible way that a mortgage lender would be willing to lend more without OP on the mortgage is if OP’s not listed as a dependent that way. Given that OP is definitely a dependent, not declaring that is mortgage fraud. It is both civil and criminal fraud. It would be uncovered during the process. If it isn’t, it could be uncovered at any point in the future and be disastrous.
4. A “marital asset” does not mean that OP will get half in a divorce. If he turned around and said “we intentionally decided she wasn’t on the deeds and wasn’t on mortgage and she doesn’t work - it’s my house, as declared and agreed” then that is a very strong argument against her getting the house. How do we think OP’s counter of “the only reason it was all in his name is because we committed fraud” would go down?

OP, regardless of how you handle your mother, you must be declared and registered properly. Your mortgage broker sounds like they’re advising you to do things that are illegal and not in your interests. Remember - they broker gets commission for referring you to a lender. They are motivated to get you taking out a loan for as much as possible (because they get paid more if you borrow more), and if they decide to subtly convince you that it’s a-ok to break the law for them to get their commission then certain, shady brokers will do that.

Gifts come with ribbons and bows, not with strings attached

tell your mum “thanks but no thanks, we’re not going to be manipulated by this gift, you either give it with your blessing and be happy we’re on the property ladder finally, or you don’t.”

100% she’ll be demanding this money back from you, demanding all kinds of things

don’t take her money, you’ll regret it forever

I'd turn it down because she says she might ask for the money back at any time. You'd have to try to remortgage and could lose your house to pay her back.

I wouldn't accept the money. One of the advantages of home ownership is that it's your bit of turf chosen by you to make into your home. Perhaps see if you can extend the mortgage term with a view to over paying the mortgage once you return to work. Alternatively, look to buy somewhere cheaper with a view to moving in say 5 years time. Under no circumstances should you accept a mortgage that doesn't have your name on it.

I wouldn't accept the money. One of the advantages of home ownership is that it's your bit of turf chosen by you to make into your home. Perhaps see if you can extend the mortgage term with a view to over paying the mortgage once you return to work. Alternatively, look to buy somewhere cheaper with a view to moving in say 5 years time. Under no circumstances should you accept a mortgage that doesn't have your name on it.

As has been repeatedly said, the mother can't loan the money if it is to be used for a mortgage that would otherwise be unaffordable. It has to be a gift that she can't rescind at any time, and it will have to be legally recorded as such.

If she gives the money to her daughter who is not on the mortgage, and the couple split, the money may end up being lost to the daughter's partner, and the mother could reasonably be concerned about this eventuality (obviously I am not saying it is likely, but it's not my £50k).

Unless the OP speaks to her mother and both parties are frank with one another about what, if any, strings are attached to the money the bad feelings are likely to continue. If the situation (in which the OP gets the house she wants and the mother has the buzz of knowing she has helped her daughter to get it) can be saved, it seems to me madness that for the sake of a conversation it might be lost. If, OTOH, the mother does see the 'gift' as a loan, or wants to have a say in what the OP does with it, then decisions need to be made about whether to accept it or not. But those decisions need to be made with full knowledge of all the facts, not assumptions.

She sounds a complete nightmare. Decline the gift, it sounds like the mortgage is manageable without it.

Personally I wouldn't take the money because it sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

Many years ago my late MIL offered to buy us a pram ip to a certain budget. We chose one, a really good quality Silver Cross being sold second hand but in excellent condition. MIL was very unhappy it wasn't brand new and withdrew her gift.

Some people are just odd about money OP. Any gift that comes with strings attached is not much of a gift.

Don’t take her money.

I’m a mortgage broker, and with respect, this is mostly tosh. There are some brokers who are less knowledgeable, and some who work from a limited panel of lenders, so I’d make sure you’re dealing with an experienced broker who doesn’t charge fees and who is whole of market. There are a number of lenders who actually offer preferential terms and rates via brokers, and the fee they pay the broker is not passed on to the consumer. Brokers are actually obligated to provide best advice under FCA regulations, and will have to keep evidence on file of why they recommended the product and lender. Your broker should be knowledgeable about all lenders criteria, and if borrowing is tight, will be able to tell you which lenders will lend the most. You could spend literally days hawking around lenders direct and still not find the one that is actually best for you.

It is correct that you can’t be on the deeds if you’re not on the mortgage, however you could safeguard this by putting a Deed of Trust in place with your conveyancing solicitor until such a time as you are able to go back on. It is also correct that unless your mum signs to say this is a gift, lenders will treat it as a loan and this will obviously affect how much you may be able to borrow.

When one person isn’t earning, putting both parties on the mortgage does reduce affordability for the vast majority of lenders, hence why your broker has told you that.

I think your best approach is to just be honest, sit down with your mum when there’s nothing else going on and tell her how much you appreciate the money, that it will make life easier for you, but that you’re finding the “strings” that seem to be attached difficult. She’s probably sticking her oar in because she wants the best for you, but what works for her isn’t necessarily what works for you, so telling her that you understand why she’s doing it, but asking for more autonomy might work?

I think this is right. My parents did it for us, but it was a while back so I can't recall the terms / wording now. They have also given me letters re other sums, saying that the amount is a gift.

Have you told her how you feel about what she’s doing? She may think she’s giving helpful advice and not appreciate how it’s coming across.

If that doesn’t help then probably best not to take the money. No if it’s a loan rather than a gift that may affect your ability to get a mortgage.

Simple solution say you don’t want can’t accept the money suck up the extra payments each month or pull out and go for something cheaper .

Tell her to take her 50k and go. I wouldn't have her holding me to ransom because she's giving you some money, I can guarantee after 6 months of u being in new house she'll want it back, you'll will never hear the last of it, its a way on controlling you.
Try and find a cheaper house and tell her to stuff her 50k where the sun don't shine !

Only take the money if you are OK with her saying "nanny bought you this" to your DC every time she walks into your house.

Don’t take her money and buy what you can afford.
I once showed my parents a house I was looking at (no cash from them) and had my dad on the phone later in tears telling me not to buy it. I didn’t but I only because the vendor wouldn’t budge on price and I didn’t want to take out a mortgage.
Roll on 10 years when my daughter was looking to buy… he told me not to let her buy a certain kind of home. Needless to say I ignored him and she did 😃

My DM offered to help my DH and I buy a house but we said no. While my DM does not sound as tricky as yours, I absolutely knew there’d be lots of unsolicited advice and we just didn’t want it hanging over us. We much preferred to do things on our own and I didn’t know (and still don’t) what my DM might need as she gets older. So we felt better not to complicate things.
The dynamic you describe sounds a little odd with somewhat dramatic reactions from your DM but I also got the sense of you maybe seeking her approval in some way? Maybe I’m way off the mark but I’m not sure. It sounds very messy, it was a gift and then a loan. She might need the money back and will give ‘plenty of warning’ but there’s no clear idea as to what that actually means. The other things you describe make me think that even with the best will in the world she is unlikely to stick to any terms agreed and even if she did, would be constantly reminding you that if it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t have this house, or she might even consider it part hers. All the signs are there for this to go downhill pretty fast. I think better not to accept. Good luck x

Don’t take the money, to many conditions attached to it!
As it’s potentially a loan she’s putting you in debt anyway and I wouldn’t trust even my mum if she were behaving like this.
i agree with others saying get mortgage advice, it’s outrageous to say you can’t be on the mortgage as you’re not working, that sounds very sexist and makes you very vulnerable, however great your marriage is, you should be equal partners in a mortgage.

I'm a broker and we absolutely do need to get the customer the best deal. We need to justify why we haven't chosen the cheapest deal available under the mortgage code of business (MCOB) and FCA requirements. It is a heavily regulated industry and payment from lenders has nothing to do with the product we choose.

This sounds like my mum all over. Honestly. Don’t take the money. She will hold it over your head till the day you die

Personally I wouldn't move closer to your Mum or take her money- she is clearly opinionated and controlling- her meddling will only get worse if you go forward with the house purchase.

Your mum doesn't sound sure about giving this huge gift, so don't accept it. It'll be a big muddle.

Not the point if the thread but definitely do use a mortgage broker, they look at the whole of the market for the most suitable lender and best rate for the customer. For the OPs scenario it sounds as though the rest of the deposit is coming from equity in the current house, if she is on the deeds and mortgage of this one she will be gifting this to her husband by not going on the mortgage as most lenders expect the deeds and mortgage to match. In this scenario not many lenders will like this as she will reside in the property and have a vested interest in worse case scenario of repossession. OP you need to go on the deeds and on the mortgage to protect yourself, lots of lenders have adjusted affordability recently on the back of the FCAs relaxation so get your broker to run the numbers again. If you can’t borrow what you need for this property without your mums help then look for another property.

If you are married it doesnt matter whose name is on it.

Tell her to only on and take the money with her.

She'll be banging on about it 15 years long after you've repaid the "gift"