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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent reacting negatively towards house purchase

166 replies

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

OP posts:
Piergirl · 04/08/2025 07:56

Er...Im not on our mortgage but I'm
on the deeds. Like OP, I'm older than my husband and we would have been offered a shorter term of I'd been on the mortgage. Our lender is a major bank and the broker got us a very good deal

Horseapples · 04/08/2025 07:58

Are you sure shes actually got the money @Asbusyasabee ?

cheddercherry · 04/08/2025 08:05

I’d honestly rather pay her £50k to leave me in peace and not have it lorded over us that she “bought the house”. Honestly it’s not a gift she’s giving, it’s a noose that will tighten over time. If she asks for it back then that puts you in a way worse spot having to potentially remortgage to give her it back, not to mention the stress on what seems like an already fractious relationship. Sort your own affairs and either suck up the £200 payment or just buy within your budget. £200 a month also seems like a small price to pay for a peaceful life without your mother sulking for the next 20 years over various changes you’ve made to a house she she hates that she thinks she’s gifted you.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/08/2025 08:07

Sounds bogus to me, who is this mortgage broker?- why would you being on the mortgage lower the possible borrowing amount? It is simply a multiple of the wages funding it , it has nothing to do with who is on the papers.
Never, ever, contribute to a household or mortgage unless you are on the papers, particularly if you have young children, it is a desperate gamble. I'm happy for the poster above who made this gamble and it worked out- but she could have lost her home and any money or work she had contributed to that household, you also don't necessarily get 50% of the house if you are not on the deeds, even if you are married, there is a reason why wives have been on the deeds of the matrimonial home for the past few generations.

Snakebite61 · 04/08/2025 08:13

Asbusyasabee · 02/08/2025 21:16

AIBU?
Sorry if this is long!

My mum kindly offered to gift us £50,000 towards our house purchase. We accepted it, working towards a max budget. She has since felt the need to give us 'advice' on going for certain types of houses (sends us links to places we don't like) suggests we go to the max budget, and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning....)

We initially went for a house a few months ago, told her the good news about our offer being accepted (was £70k under our Max budget) and she spent a good 5 mins criticising the fact it was a terraced house. Offered no congratulations etc. It really deflated us.

For various reasons, the sale fell through, and we viewed a property quite quickly after and fell in love with it (large, 4 bed, large garden, garage, safe area etc). I told her at a family party today, her face looked like thunder when I told her which house it was (it wasn't one she liked, because it's an older house....and not a brand new build). I started to briefly explain why we love it and it's right for us, and she just interrupted me and said "we'll discuss this at your house" (she's coming to stay with us tonight) then she turned away from me and changed convo with a relative.

I feel so deflated, nothing will ever match her standards. Because of the £50k gift/loan, she feels she has the right to say where we live. I just want her to trust that we are capable adults making our own decisions etc. I'm in mid 30s, married, 3 young children, lived in plenty of houses and moved around a lot.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with the upcoming conversation when she arrives at our house and she will want to talk about it?

Extra info - we can just about afford the house without her money, but it'll increase monthly payments by £271 and I can't be on the mortgage because I'm not working (will be in 2 years after maternity etc).

She has done subtle controlling things in the past e.g hanging up my washing on the clothes line 'the right way' but is equally very supportive (has come to stay and look after my children if I'm poorly, great with my children, gives us presents - but whenever my children wear something she gifted them, she'll say 'nanny bought you that' - she did this in the middle of us giving other big news in our life, and it wasn't an outfit she'd even bought my child!)

And we are moving to be closer to her and my brother and dad (within 30 mins)

Take the money, laugh in her face (well, behind her back). Let her take you to civil court if need be. It was a gift remember?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/08/2025 08:13

and has even rescinded the 'gift' to more of a loan (said it'd unlikely but if needed some money back she'd ask us, but would give plenty of warning ....)

OK , she can have an option on the house ( we all have opinions ) but it's not her house .
But don't take the money , she'll go from gift/loan/gift/loan probably asking you for it back if she's offended by some imagined slight .

You don't want this being held over you .

ShyMaryEllen · 04/08/2025 08:57

This thread is going round in circles. Why are people jumping to conclusions about how someone they have never met will behave in the future? Why is nobody listening when it is repeatedly pointed out that the mother can’t ask for the money back - she will have to sign a legal document to say the money is a gift - and ignoring the possibility that she is worried about sinking a lot of money into something that her daughter might never own?

I am about to give up saying this, as the OP seems to have gone anyway, but talk to your mother and find out what she thinks rather than making assumptions.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 04/08/2025 08:59
  1. You need to be on the mortgage. It makes no sense that you can borrow less with two of you on it that one. Go with a different broker. 2) Don't take the money from your Mum. Tell her that it was a lovely idea but the price of having her interfering is too high. 3) This may mean you need to adjust your budget. I understand that is hard, especially if you have found and fallen in love with a house but freedom is the main thing here. You need freedom from your mother and freedom for your future ( which means never putting yourself in a situation where you rely on your husband's good will re the mortgage. Even if you are madly in love now. Plan for when you're not and you not being on the mortgage is also a risk too far.
THEDEACON · 04/08/2025 12:22

Dont take the money from your mother and put yoursrlf on the morygage Only buy what you can afford .

Strawberrri · 04/08/2025 12:30

What if she also wants the interest when she asks for her loan back

BambinaCucina · 04/08/2025 12:31

It's not a gift if it comes with strings attached.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2025 12:39

Take the money, ignore what she says if you don’t agree. She’s expressing her opinion, thats all. It really doesn’t sound particularly controlling to me, she’s not saying you can’t have the money if you don’t do what she says.
Clarify it with her if you need to.
Dont cut off your nose to spite your face, and make sure you are on the deeds.

OzMumOf3Boys · 04/08/2025 12:41

I wouldn't be taking the money either, not the way it's going,

PurpleThistle7 · 04/08/2025 12:42

Absolutely do not take the money and just look at what you can afford without it - smaller house, bigger mortgage, waiting another year... anything really. This isn't an actual gift and will come with so many strings it won't be worth it. Sounds like she'll think she can have an opinion on how you choose to spend your money for the next many years (did you get a takeaway that night! Could have paid me back... etc) and that's just not worth it.

Radiatorsa · 04/08/2025 12:44

Don't take the money and tell not to bother coming to stay.
She is a controlling cow and you will have no peace.
Step back and tell her you need time and space from her and mean it.
She is toxic snd power tripping.

Lazygardener · 04/08/2025 12:46

If you take that £50,000 you will be paying for it forever.

PluckyChancer · 04/08/2025 12:49

You’re far too enmeshed with your mum.
At your age you shouldn’t need to be asking her advice about every little thing and you need to pull away more rather than move closer to her.

NewbieYou · 04/08/2025 13:03

Sorry but no way would I take money that she may randomly decide she wants back in cash…

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2025 13:04

DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY!

Get a cheaper house, pay the extra, whatever but don’t take it. This will literally never end, every time you make a house alteration (decorating, new sofa, god forbid an extension) it will be disapproved of and every time you either spend money on something she disapproves of (holiday, car, new top), or fall out, she’ll be demanding her money back. It’s absolutely not worth it!

CreteBound · 04/08/2025 14:19

Holy crap!

a) Do not take your toxic mothers money
b) Under no circumstances listen to anyone who says you can’t be on mortgage or deeds that’s a HUGE risk. Get a new broker immediately and ensure you are in every conversation not just your partner. You need to advocate for yourself.

CreteBound · 04/08/2025 14:20

Also you should be exploring how to get back to work, you are very financially vulnerable and getting bad advice from ppl close to you.

Helen483 · 04/08/2025 15:11

meganorks · 02/08/2025 21:27

Don't take the money. It's not worth it. But you might not be able to anyway. When we bought our house my PIL had gifted us some deposit money. They were required to write and sign a letter stating that the money was a gift and not expected back. I don't think you'd be able to use the money if she states it's sort of a loan, maybe, not sure, might want some back at some point, not sure when.

Edited

This.
The mortgage lender won't accept her money if it is a loan (because they insist on being the only lender). So she will have to clarify whether she is giving you the money or lending it.
Depending on how that conversation goes should make your decision clearer.

Secondly, I agree with pp who said ditch your broker and go direct to the mortgage lender.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 15:13

Ignore her. I would definitely be tempted to return her money and go low contact.

Snorlaxo · 04/08/2025 15:17

If you take her money you’ll have a lifetime of her moaning about the house that you’ve picked using her money.

Imaginethis · 04/08/2025 15:27

I can only repeat what others have already said.

i have given my DCs money for their house purchases. In both cases I had to provide a letter for the mortgage lender stating that this money was a gift and I had no further interest in it - I can’t now remember the precise wording.

If you do decide to take your mother’s money, it has to be a gift. She cannot ask for it back at some point in the future.

Good luck with whatever you decide

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