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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

223 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/08/2025 00:57

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 01:01

Why don't you not go and just stay home. You won't see much of him anyway.

It sounds like my idea of hell, and it's extremely selfish of him

suburberphobe · 01/08/2025 01:07

I'm sorry OP but he's being utterly selfish. You have a 2-month old, never mind a 3 and 5 year old??!

I would be getting hold of a shit hot lawyer to secure my future divorce with such an egotist.

BabyCatFace · 01/08/2025 01:08

YANBU it sounds dreadful and so does he. But why did you agree??

Coventgardengirl · 01/08/2025 01:11

Hopefully you can relax and enjoy the week when you get there

Mammyloveswine · 01/08/2025 01:16

Omg with a 2 month old? Let alone a 3-year-old and a five-year-old.. just no

nixon1976 · 01/08/2025 01:23

Go, but make sure you have exactly the same time off as him - so he has a day golfing and the next day you have a complete day off , either with the other wives or alone to just chill

ReadingTeaLeaves · 01/08/2025 01:26

I don’t think YABU. And in your position I am sure I’d think he was BU. But please don’t assume it’s going to be terrible and (as per other posts) relationship ending - unless of course there are other things going on here. You may find that the women you’re with are people you have a lot in common with and can make sure you have both the privacy you want (with the baby) and the rest you need (by helping you out with the older ones). This is said with some experience - anr also accepting that your situation may be different from my own. Maintaining my OHs ability to keep going with a sport like this has been properly beneficial to our relationship (and his mental health) long-term and I’ve made some really good female mates on the way (who really understand what solidarity means). And tbh has also led to exceptionally good relationships between my DH and the kids as they have got older. So… while I don’t want to be rose tinted if this is just a crap situation for you I think so long as you are communicating clearly with each other about the balance being struck here (he owes you a holiday with your mates when you can do that!) then I would see this as part of the long term way of maintaining a balance for everyone.

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/08/2025 01:31

nixon1976 · 01/08/2025 01:23

Go, but make sure you have exactly the same time off as him - so he has a day golfing and the next day you have a complete day off , either with the other wives or alone to just chill

What about the bit where she says she wants to spend time with her husband and children?

Cardinalita90 · 01/08/2025 01:31

This has disaster all over it - sharing a house with your husbands friends and 3 little kids? You should as a minimum have your own accommodation.

I'd also pull out. You're not going to see him for dust, you'll end up knackered and even more resentful, and have to put a brave face on for the others. Not worth it imo.

itsobviousright · 01/08/2025 01:32

7 days right? 2 days golfing, 2 days for your relaxation needs, 3 days as a family...sounds fair to me! He doesn't get to golf every day - he NEEDS to prioritise family time as well, otherwise his actions speak louder than his words. Will he becoming on your as yet unbooked week long spa break to look after the kids???

IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 01/08/2025 01:33

Your husband is a utterly selfish cunt.

DancingNotDrowning · 01/08/2025 01:45

This sounds dreadful!

Unless he’s limited to only two rounds of golf I honestly wouldn’t go. You’re going to run yourself ragged doing everything, watching him enjoy himself all whilst having none of your home comforts

Cornishclio · 01/08/2025 01:59

So this is really a golfing holiday for him? Selfish man. He doesn’t sound like he is bothered about spending time with you or the children? Was he always that self absorbed? Why have three children with him?

Eenameenadeeka · 01/08/2025 02:06

Yeah this sounds awful and I think I'd rather stay home with the children, he sounds incredibly selfish. Would he be happy the other way around - if you took your family on holiday with your friends, and all the dads did all the childcare and cooking while mums spent all day shopping?? Sounds like he's bought you so that you can cook and clean after him......

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 02:14

Of course you're being selfish, why not go on a holiday you might enjoy it. If it's a golfing trip, I imagine it's at some kind of nice resort? Why not compromise and do a long weekend if a week is too long? At least he wants to be with you and the kids. It's not like it's an annual thing. Careful being too boring or then you'll be back in a couple of years because your husband has been having an affair and you didn't see it coming.

Pistachiocake · 01/08/2025 02:15

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/08/2025 01:31

What about the bit where she says she wants to spend time with her husband and children?

Show quote history

If she is breastfeeding, it also might be very difficult from a practical viewpoint (I know some people find it easy to express and store the milk and have the baby take a bottle from dad straight away, but many of us couldn't have managed this with a 2 month old on a holiday).

MsAmerica · 01/08/2025 02:24

Is there anything wrong with smiling sweetly and saying, "Yes, darling, you're right - I'm so lucky with my wonderful husband and children, that I want them to myself occasionally"?

Noshadelamp · 01/08/2025 02:32

So he's come up with a way to get exactly what he wants and make it look like he's having a family holiday.

Unless he really is only playing golf a couple of days and you get to do family things the majority of the holiday, how is this even a family holiday?

I'd ask him how many days golf he has planned and if it's more than two days, I wouldn't be going. The kids are going to be hard work out of their normal environment and you're on your own with them, What's the point.

Noshadelamp · 01/08/2025 02:36

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 02:14

Of course you're being selfish, why not go on a holiday you might enjoy it. If it's a golfing trip, I imagine it's at some kind of nice resort? Why not compromise and do a long weekend if a week is too long? At least he wants to be with you and the kids. It's not like it's an annual thing. Careful being too boring or then you'll be back in a couple of years because your husband has been having an affair and you didn't see it coming.

Have you read the whole post, it's barely a holiday for the op with having to look after the kids solo whilst her DH is off playing golf most days.

You even said yourself, it's a golfing trip so not exactly a family holiday.

Can't see how op is being selfish wanting to spend time on a family holiday with her DH and children, you know, her family.

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 02:42

Noshadelamp · 01/08/2025 02:36

Have you read the whole post, it's barely a holiday for the op with having to look after the kids solo whilst her DH is off playing golf most days.

You even said yourself, it's a golfing trip so not exactly a family holiday.

Can't see how op is being selfish wanting to spend time on a family holiday with her DH and children, you know, her family.

Show quote history

Well then she should just let him go on his own. I genuinely think people are weird on here about only spending time with their immediate family (although I appreciate these don't seem like close friends, but who knows maybe they will be after this trip)

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/08/2025 02:43

In my experience, there really is no 'compromise' when it comes to a golf break; he really should have just taken a week off work and gone with his mates, it's what guys do.
He's actually tried to keep everyone happy by suggesting this - but it's not really going to be a holiday for him, you, or your kids.
I don't have any advice for now but, going forward, best to keep these things separate.

spoonbillstretford · 01/08/2025 02:49

I'd discourage the golf entirely. It's far too time consuming a hobby to have with three small kids. And yeah, I'd hate this sort of holiday. All the wives have the kids while the men go off on a golf jolly? Fuck that.

I'd hate an "all in together" family holiday with other friends too with young kids, other than for a weekend. I'd rather not risk falling out with friends over parenting. When I went away with friends we went on our own.

amillionandone · 01/08/2025 02:55

I agree that it doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you! If you do go, I'd make it clear to him that you'll be expecting the next holiday to be family only and no golf. No, it's not selfish or boring 🙄 to want to spend your family holiday with your husband and children. If you have the time and finances to allow it, perhaps he can take a short golf holiday with friends sometime, but as a grown man with a wife and kids, he needs to put his focus on his family, not his golf mates. Most holidays, when you have young children, are spent with the children. It's not that complicated, really.

TwinklyNight · 01/08/2025 03:08

I wouldn't go unless he was going to golf in the am only. No all day golfing.
I don't think I'd blame you for not wanting to go, but hopefully there will be a pool and things for young children in the area.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/08/2025 03:16

YOU’RE being selfish?? For the love of god when he walks in off the golf course hand him the baby and either disappear for a walk or an hour long bath. He’s decided to spend the family holiday playing fucking golf when you have kids that age… make sure you wake him at night too to walk the baby around ‘I need more sleep to be able to socialise with the wives, I’m jsut too tired generally without a bit more sleep and this is apparently our family holiday. Make jokes-not-jokes at dinner - this is our family holiday and he’s out all day so to manage it fairly he’s doing most of the nights. Tell him what a selfish fucking knob he is. Leave half way if it’s too hard and shit.

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