AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

[DisneyBaby]

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Who goes on week long golfing holidays when they have a 5yo a 3yo and a 2mo?? Shit dads and shit husbands are the only people who do that. I’d divorce mine if he did that, since it’s clearly what he wants.

Shit dads and shit husbands are the only people who do that.

Not at all. Dads and husbands still need their down time. A week-long golf break once a year is pretty standard.

There’s nothing standard about that. I know plenty of parents who have never left their kids and plenty of parents who leave them regularly. There’s no rule about it.

For us, we don’t have the kind of money that means we can both have solo holidays and also have family holidays so neither of us have solo holidays. How that works is super personal for each family.

in this scenario unless the Op is also going away on her own for a week there’s no parity here at all. Tagging along on a mates trip to solo parent in a shared house is the worst solution of all.

I don't think I've ever read a post on Mumsnet involving a golf-playing husband or partner where the man hasn't been a selfish twat. Most of them spend all weekend golfing and go on golfing holidays with their mates, leaving their wives/girlfriends at home with the kids. Golf seems to attract entitled men who always put themselves and their needs first.

@PurpleThistle7

that’s a shame! I hope you and your partner can afford regular evenings out etc with your friends so you get a break

Oh @DisneyBaby I feel so sad and annoyed for you. A 2 month old baby! Eight weeks after the birth. Plus two other little ones. What a prize prick he is. Not acceptable at all. Honestly, I thought I put up with some shit back in the day (and I did!) but I’m afraid you’ve trumped me. Don’t let him railroad you into accepting bullshit like this. He doesn’t ‘need’ a golfing holiday 8 weeks after you’ve given birth to your third child. And to dress it up and try to tell you you should be happy about it…. just no.

We are fine. I don’t actually know many people who travel on their own when they have young children so we have plenty of company. It’s just odd to say there’s a standard of every parent going away for a week every year when that clearly isn’t true.

@PurpleThistle7

lots of parents do though! I have lots of friends who go away at least for a week without their kids. I mean at the end of the day if you can afford to do it, why not?

With a 5yo, a 3yo and a 2month old at home? You think that’s normal? I stand by my calling it as reserved for shit husbands and shit dads, and I add fucking hell your standards are low.

Sure. Like many other things! But I’d guess it’s less likely that people do that than not. It doesn’t matter of course - this poster did not say she was going away for a week or that they could easily afford multiple holidays. So as the one holiday this year, it’s pretty shit.

Well, that's your opinion. It's standard in my world. Hubby has a couple of golf breaks a year... If I want to go away with my pals that's no problem at all, however, usually I'll just stay home and enjoy the peace 😌
We're a partnership - and this dynamic has worked for us for 30 years!

im glad you’re happy! My husband and I have been together 25 years. Travelled loads together before kids and loved it. Spent the last decade with our children. Eventually will have time to ourselves again. Literally no reason to feel sorry for me,

we prioritised a bigger house and lots of ballet lessons for my daughter. Did not prioritise a new car or solo travelling. Every family makes these sorts of decisions every day. What is different for the OP is that her husband made the decisions for her entire family and she didn’t appear to have any veto power at all.

OP's husband made the decision for the entire family because OP wouldn't let him go on his own! Which brings me back to my original point...

@Jumpingthruhoops what peace will OP get with 3 young children if husband went on holiday with his mates

None. But what does that mean? That her husband can't go away with his mates for the next 18 years? That's not life.

Yes, of course. You’re exactly right. Not being able to take a week’s solo hobby holiday when your babies age in months is single digits clearly does mean he can’t take a solo holiday for 18 years.
No, wait- they are only a baby that age for less than a year! And yes he had 3 children but I am quite sure he had some agency in that so perhaps he should have considered the impact on his solo golf holiday plans? And that 3 children do take a little parenting time?

@Jumpingthruhoops there is a big difference on going on mates holiday when children are more independent than when you have very young baby and 2 other young DC. And you can bet your bottom dollar this dad is a selfish arse not just in respect of this holiday. I know it can be bad form to AS but even without doing that you can tell he is not dad or partner of the year.

From reading OP’s post this is their annual holiday, so are you advocating that OP should have said he should have his golfing holiday with his mates whilst OP and DC didn’t have a holiday this year. Where finances are such when there can be only one holiday surely it it is a family holiday not a mates one. Not everyone can afford multiple holidays

If you've been married for 30 years, it's likely that you aren't being left at home with small children and a 2-month old breast fed baby. Whether OP goes on this 'holiday' or stays at home, I doubt that she will have any peace to enjoy. OP's marriage doesn't particularly sound like a partnership.

Presumably finances aren't that much of an issue if they can afford three children!?

@Jumpingthruhoops do you live in the real world? Not all families with 3 children are rolling in money and having multiple holidays. Many families with 3 children will be making do, affording one holiday a year if that. At the ages of OP's children, maternity leave may well be a factor at the moment, nursery fees etc.

just in case your posts are actually serious… obviously having 3 children is a lifestyle choice but that doesn’t mean you’re wealthy. It likely means that holidays are few and far between. I have two children and holidays are few and far between! I think you live in a very privileged world which is lovely for you, but not exactly reflective of the actual world. Or of course you are just winding people up for the fun of it.

This. Preferably booking in spa treatments equal to the cost of a round of golf on your off days

Hear hear