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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

223 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/08/2025 00:57

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 01/08/2025 05:35

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 05:28

If the roles were reversed and it was a Spa holiday I'm sure the responses would be very different! (Well apart from the affair bit of course). What's wrong with wanting a holiday

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Nope. A family holiday centred around mum going to the spa would be seen as selfish. That’s not what this post is about, though.

Billybagpuss · 01/08/2025 05:35

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 05:28

If the roles were reversed and it was a Spa holiday I'm sure the responses would be very different! (Well apart from the affair bit of course). What's wrong with wanting a holiday

Edited
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It’s hardly comparable, any spa session is usually no more than a couple of hours. serious golfing goes on for days.

how much golf is he actually planning on op there’s a huge difference in a couple of rounds over the week or 2 rounds a day.

TwinklyNight · 01/08/2025 05:35

You're right, I didn’t even think of that.

SatsumaDog · 01/08/2025 05:38

So basically you’re going to be left alone to cope with 3 small children, including a small
baby, whilst he buggers off to play golf every day for hours on end? That’s no holiday for you. He’s being a selfish twat.

Spindrifts · 01/08/2025 05:40

Oh my goodness! I would have preferred to stay at home with my three children than suffer 'other' people for a whole week. Is he a big earner? Is this his only time to get any form of relaxation?

SatsumaDog · 01/08/2025 05:43

YANBU! I wouldn’t go. Golf is incredibly time consuming. It takes hours. He has 3 young children one of which is just weeks old. His golf trip should be tabled this year and he should be focussing on his family and making sure his wife is supported and getting some rest. Selfish git.

DrumRole · 01/08/2025 05:44

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 05:28

If the roles were reversed and it was a Spa holiday I'm sure the responses would be very different! (Well apart from the affair bit of course). What's wrong with wanting a holiday

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Show quote history

Nk. And if he had an affair, the fault would be his alone. Not because his wife didn’t want to go on a golf trip as their only family
summer holiday with a two month baby. Talk about victim-blaming and low standards. Have some self-respect.

Yorkshiredolls · 01/08/2025 05:45

I wouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place but you did agree. Sounds like he’s paid for the whole thing?

Don’t cancel for god sake thats hardly a punishment to him is it? then he gets a whole week completely away from you day and night to do whatever the fuck he likes guilt-free and you still struggle at home alone. He’s played a blinder here

its not going to be the greatest holiday you’ve had but I think you’re going to have to make the most of it and share the load with the other families there.

agree some compromises on golf time before you set off and have serious words about how he is going to make this up to you and the kids

if he won’t compromise then he is an outrageous fucker and I’d be planning my exit

Monty27 · 01/08/2025 05:59

Doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you @DisneyBaby .

indoorplantqueen · 01/08/2025 06:06

We often go away with friends. We do an annual Centre parcs holiday where we share a house with my bf and her dh and kids. But I would be very reluctant to share a house with most of my other friends (due to their kids/ their ages/ parenting styles).

going away with very small children and babies will be a nightmare under these circumstances. It doesn’t sound like you’re very close to these women if you haven’t had discussions with them about how this is going to work. Is there a schedule for example 2 days men golf, women get equal free time then there’s individual family time?

Allswellthatendswelll · 01/08/2025 06:15

He sounds awful! How dare he call you selfish!

What are you actually able to do on your own with three kids?! If there is a pool you can't manage a 3 year old and baby alone. I guess the other wives could help. I'd be interested to know whether they are happy with the arrangement.

Don't not go, as then he just gets a golfing holiday without any responsibility.

You put your foot down and he gets one day golfing, 2 days max and the rest of it he parents with you!

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/08/2025 06:18

It depends. Would he otherwise have a golf holiday when he goes away and leaves you alone and then you'd have a family holiday? If so, does this replace the golf holiday or the family one?

If it replaces the golf holiday and you will be having another family holiday, the question is would you rather do this or be home alone with the kids. If it replaces the family holiday yanbu.

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 06:27

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 01/08/2025 05:35

Nope. A family holiday centred around mum going to the spa would be seen as selfish. That’s not what this post is about, though.

Show quote history

See that's nuts to me if there's other things to do as well. If you don't have grandparents to look after your kids then you have to either have holidays on your own or with your family (and they shouldn't have to be centred solely around the kids or else you're not going to get a decent adult holiday for about 12 years!)

Ridelikethewindypops · 01/08/2025 06:36

@NeedZzzzzssss Do you actually have children? If you do, it sounds like you've never been on holiday with them.
Op your husband is a selfish prick.

Undethetree · 01/08/2025 06:45

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/08/2025 03:16

YOU’RE being selfish?? For the love of god when he walks in off the golf course hand him the baby and either disappear for a walk or an hour long bath. He’s decided to spend the family holiday playing fucking golf when you have kids that age… make sure you wake him at night too to walk the baby around ‘I need more sleep to be able to socialise with the wives, I’m jsut too tired generally without a bit more sleep and this is apparently our family holiday. Make jokes-not-jokes at dinner - this is our family holiday and he’s out all day so to manage it fairly he’s doing most of the nights. Tell him what a selfish fucking knob he is. Leave half way if it’s too hard and shit.

All of this!!

AragornsManlyStubble · 01/08/2025 06:55

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 02:14

Of course you're being selfish, why not go on a holiday you might enjoy it. If it's a golfing trip, I imagine it's at some kind of nice resort? Why not compromise and do a long weekend if a week is too long? At least he wants to be with you and the kids. It's not like it's an annual thing. Careful being too boring or then you'll be back in a couple of years because your husband has been having an affair and you didn't see it coming.

Good Lord… I really hope you’re not passing this crappy viewpoint to any DC

Husband’s wants don’t trump family needs.

I’d follow him around, with all the kids, on a golf cart. So we could cheer Daddy on on our ‘family’ holiday.

Just to see how long before he lost the plot and admitted he was a selfish git.

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 07:00

Ridelikethewindypops · 01/08/2025 06:36

@NeedZzzzzssss Do you actually have children? If you do, it sounds like you've never been on holiday with them.
Op your husband is a selfish prick.

Yes, although with young DC we just do a Airbnb beach holiday or a resort. Keep it simple, each have some of our own time for a massage etc and take turns with DC (although in fairness DH does the heavy lifting and does most of the watching as I do it most of it the rest of the time)

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 01/08/2025 07:02

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 05:28

If the roles were reversed and it was a Spa holiday I'm sure the responses would be very different! (Well apart from the affair bit of course). What's wrong with wanting a holiday

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No they wouldn’t. They’ve got 3 young kids and one of them is only 2 months old. Neither parent gets to centre a whole holiday around their own needs at this stage.

SunnySideDeepDown · 01/08/2025 07:03

YABU agreeing and then raising it as an issue a day before you leave. What do you expect him to do now? This discussion should have happened before you booked it.

Itssinkable · 01/08/2025 07:05

It's taken you this long to see how selfish men are?

And he wants you to applaud him for his "amazing solution"?

Most men think their "needs" come first, children or no children. Most women think their children's needs come first. This is a spectacular example of that.

Your husband is a twat.

Jonesboot · 01/08/2025 07:05

Sharing the same house with all of these people would be my idea of hell. Good luck, hopefully it will be better than you're expecting.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2025 07:06

YANBU to not want to go, but if you pull out and he still goes you'll be flying completely solo for a week.

If you still go you tell him that you want at least two full days as a family and one full day where he takes care of the children (or at least the older two) so you actually get a break. Those are your terms and if he doesn't agree to them it will be the last golf holiday he goes on whilst still being married.

Motheranddaughter · 01/08/2025 07:08

I really don’t know why you agreed to this
It’ s very late in the day to pull out
I would go, make the most of it and don’t agree to anything like this again
I would have gone for your DH having a golf weekend with his friends,but we have always allowed each other that

Pottedpalm · 01/08/2025 07:10

nixon1976 · 01/08/2025 01:23

Go, but make sure you have exactly the same time off as him - so he has a day golfing and the next day you have a complete day off , either with the other wives or alone to just chill

Daft suggestion! She is breastfeeding a two month old. She wants family time , not a spa day.

Secularbeaver · 01/08/2025 07:10

How are you going to the toilet when the older two are desperate to be in a pool? Or how are you watching a 5 and 3 year old while you're feeding a baby?

From someone currently on holiday with a 6,3 and 5m old.