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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

223 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/08/2025 00:57

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 01/08/2025 08:52

He’s a selfish idiot.

Why on earth anyone would have 3 children with a man like that is beyond my understanding. I’m 100% sure his selfishness became very apparent after the birth of the first baby, if not before.

Ivelostmyglasses · 01/08/2025 08:56

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 05:28

If the roles were reversed and it was a Spa holiday I'm sure the responses would be very different! (Well apart from the affair bit of course). What's wrong with wanting a holiday

Edited
Show quote history

He is taking his wife as staff.

Tiswa · 01/08/2025 08:58

and the pool won’t be suitable either - that was one of the things at our resort all the townhouses/villas have private pools - great apart from the fact the shallowest end was 1.35 and the deepest 1.85m! Great for us (shortest child is 5ft4 my height) but awful for little kids. It did have a kids pool at the resort pool areas.
Villa pools are all like that

Ivelostmyglasses · 01/08/2025 08:59

SaladAndChipsForTea · 01/08/2025 08:17

Sabotage it.

Cheerfully throw yourself into it and make sure you put him in charge of the kids 50% of the time.

Book yourself an evening out alone.
Book evening family trips like night nature walks.
Book yourself evening Spa sessions.

Basically he gets the day and you get the night and the key is making sure he is tied into "boring" family time or "babysitting" and not drinking with the lads or going out for meals where he can drink woth the lads and you're de facto childcare.

Then cheerfully tell him how great it was and how you and the wive's are planning similar for next year, but at kid friendly resort.

The important part is that you need to seem grateful while entirely undermining his enthusiasm for another trip.

Edited

If he was going to agree to this it would already be planned. These are not the actions of a man who calls his wife selfish when he takes her to child mind on his golfing holiday.

Summeriscumin · 01/08/2025 08:59

He's a selfish lump of shit, OP.

Put your foot down and insist on only 2 golfs and never agree to his selfishness again.

Spindrifts · 01/08/2025 08:59

Naunet · 01/08/2025 08:23

Are you joking? So other women, who, let me remind you, are also on holiday, should step up and do some baby sitting of other people's kids, so that the selfish, entitled man doesn't have to do any parenting of his own children and can fuck off all day to do his own thing? Like hell would I be doing that.

Show quote history

I agree with you. Why would I want to look after other people's children, even if I am child free? I would be down at the local beach/village walking around and admiring the view. Didn't choose to have their kids so not my responsibility.

Imisscoffee2021 · 01/08/2025 08:59

He's given you the two options like they're the only two options, this compromise holiday which is actually the same holiday disguised as a family and friends one, and him buggering off for a week leaving you with a newborn and two other small kids.

What about the super secret third option, he stays home and misses a bit of golf tol the youngest is older!? What a selfish idiot.

Disturbia81 · 01/08/2025 09:06

Sounds like hell to me

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/08/2025 09:06

He’s been hugely selfish. He clearly expects that you’ll do all the work, just in a different location. I think it’s too late to pull out. I wouldn’t try to sabotage it or make life difficult for the WAGs, but I wouldn’t cheerfully agree that he can golf all day every day.

MummyJ36 · 01/08/2025 09:06

You sound quite scared of him OP, or certainly reluctant to push your own needs to the forefront. This is a really bad sign. He sounds like a complete knobhead.

WellyBellyBoo · 01/08/2025 09:19

I'd have tried to compromise on him having a golf weekend with his mates and then you'd get a proper family holiday. I know exactly what you mean about wanting spend time as a family. You may as well make the best of it but I'd be making sure he knows this won't be a regular thing. See what the other staff (I mean wives) think of the arrangement. They are probably also fuming.

Minecroft · 01/08/2025 09:20

I wouldn’t go. Not a holiday. Why should “the wives” look after loads of kids all week while the men please themselves. Not a chance.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/08/2025 09:24

NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 02:14

Of course you're being selfish, why not go on a holiday you might enjoy it. If it's a golfing trip, I imagine it's at some kind of nice resort? Why not compromise and do a long weekend if a week is too long? At least he wants to be with you and the kids. It's not like it's an annual thing. Careful being too boring or then you'll be back in a couple of years because your husband has been having an affair and you didn't see it coming.

Wow.

Just...Wow.

1543click · 01/08/2025 09:26

It's almost unmanageable for you. He will be out on the golf course whilst you try to look after and feed an 8 week old baby whilst juggling a 5 year old and 2 year old in a strange , shared house. You are very much relying on the good nature of your housemates. The only place to be with children that age is the safety of home or on holiday with a hands on partner.

DandyDenimScroller · 01/08/2025 09:38

So you get to look after the kids and a 2 month old with other women and their kids whilst he fucks off to play golf? Sounds like hell to me.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/08/2025 09:41

OMG, he’s a CF isn’t he. So basically, he has a holiday while you get all the work but away from home, staying with other people, out of your routine and comfort zone…. I wouldn’t go, no way. OR do go, but ensure it’s clear this is a family holiday, so he only golfs a couple of days and spends time with you on other days, etc. Including him taking the kids while you do alone time - seeing as how he’s golfing, you are also entitled to a break. He sounds a selfish arse op. Only you know if he will listen/change/accept what you are saying…

PurpleThistle7 · 01/08/2025 09:45

Am totally bemused at the women on here suggesting that the other women on this holiday have some sort of collective responsibility to look after OP’s children. Why on earth should they do that? I wouldn’t even expect that of family, certainly not of my husband’s friends’ partners. That’s bizarre.

If you go I would anticipate that you are doing 100% of the childcare, 100% of the time. Then decide if that sounds appealing.

we went away over Hogmanay for several years with a group of friends - maybe 16 of us. We were the first to have a baby so went for just a few days when she was 1. By the next year there were a few more babies and we had several years of fun times collectively parenting similarly aged children for a week. And we would take turns and had a rota for cooking and whatnot. But it was several children within a few years of each other and two parents for each. Our child free friends did not babysit. Maybe they’d play a board game or something now and again, but they were never expected to entertain anyone as that would be entitled and odd to expect.

WaltzingWaters · 01/08/2025 09:46

What an utterly selfish prick your “DH” is. Jeez. Is he always this much of a dickhead? I mean, with 3 young children, one of which is 2m old?! I just can’t even believe how selfish he’s been.
I don’t know why on earth you agreed to it at all, but he shouldn’t have even suggested such a selfish move. And to call YOU selfish because you actually want a family holiday rather than being solely responsible for 3 young children by a pool/on outings whilst he swans off playing golf. It’s just ridiculous.

Anyway, I know it’ll be difficult with a 2 month old, but make sure you get time free too. Spa treatments (or even a couple of whole spa days if you’re able to leave baby for a while). (Again, difficult if bf but do what you can -) He does night wakes as you’ll be exhausted all day with the kids. Or he gets up with them in the morning so you can keep sleeping. He’s responsible for them in the evenings so you can have a drink and chat to the wives. He doesn’t get to do golf every day, you have some family days too.
Try to make the most of it. Don’t agree to this again, at least until the children are MUCH older. There are sacrifices we have to make with young children - for me I’ve not been able to do any dive trips, for your DH it should have been that he can’t do any golf holidays!

crumblingschools · 01/08/2025 09:48

I bet this isn’t the only way he is selfish and puts family at the bottom of the pile @DisneyBaby

PestoHoliday · 01/08/2025 09:49

He's really done a number on you, OP. What a selfish, manipulative man!

Yes, I'm sure he would love a 'proper' golf holiday. He can have one, if finances allow, when his children are older.

The idea he can swan off to the golf course at all when you have an 8 week old baby is ludicrous, never mind building the entire annual holiday around it.

MustardGlass · 01/08/2025 09:57

It annoys me husbands think family holidays are relaxing for a mum of young kids.

Ohnobackagain · 01/08/2025 09:58

Noshadelamp · 01/08/2025 02:32

So he's come up with a way to get exactly what he wants and make it look like he's having a family holiday.

Unless he really is only playing golf a couple of days and you get to do family things the majority of the holiday, how is this even a family holiday?

I'd ask him how many days golf he has planned and if it's more than two days, I wouldn't be going. The kids are going to be hard work out of their normal environment and you're on your own with them, What's the point.

This @DisneyBaby

istheresomethingishouldsay · 01/08/2025 10:01

He's breathtakingly selfish and has doubled-down on it by saying he'd have just left you to go play golf on a holiday by himself if you'd said no to this.

What a twat. I'm so sorry.

MyFuturePlans · 01/08/2025 10:03

I remember when I had three kids of similar ages and honestly I would stay home and send him on the holiday on his own, after all it is a golfing holiday for the lads not a family holiday.
It is easier to entertain young kids in your own home and you will have 100% privacy to breastfeed.
Good luck with your husband, sounds like he is your fourth child.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 01/08/2025 10:04

You know what I'd do?

I'd go. Pack everything up and go on the holiday.

Then get up early on Day 2 before he pisses off to play golf, get ready to go out quietly, hand him the baby, and tell him you're off for the day. He can watch the children while you go do something fun.

If he complains or kicks off, then I'd end the relationship on the spot. But I'd probably leave him with the kids in the house with his 'friends' for the rest of the week on his own and ruin his selfish 'holiday' for him only. Because that's what that is.