AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

[DisneyBaby]

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

I mean, it does sound completely awful but I'd be royally pissed off if my OH agreed to a group holiday and then started complaining the day before.

The people saying she’ll have a nice time by the pool drinking and can still enjoy her holiday. She’s got a 2 month old and a 2 year old! She’ll spend her time changing nappies, applying sun cream, breast feeding, getting snacks, controlling melt downs, getting them down for naps, changing them in and out of swim kit, making sure no one drowns, entertaining them when they’re bored… can no one else remember holidays with 2 under 2?! Hellish, even when 2 parents are helping.

She won’t be sitting there sipping a sangria.

This.

But you should never have been bullied into this in the first place. This will not be a holiday for you unless you do as the poster above recommends.

I’m married to a golfer and he would never suggest this. Although he has been known to go off and play a round of golf whilst we are on holiday, which I’m fine with.

It would have been better for your husband to have had a men’s long weekend in the Algarve separately. And if he can’t afford it, he should wait until your kids are teens and can entertain themselves a bit more.

Sabotage it.

Cheerfully throw yourself into it and make sure you put him in charge of the kids 50% of the time.

Book yourself an evening out alone.
Book evening family trips like night nature walks.
Book yourself evening Spa sessions.

Basically he gets the day and you get the night and the key is making sure he is tied into "boring" family time or "babysitting" and not drinking with the lads or going out for meals where he can drink woth the lads and you're de facto childcare.

Then cheerfully tell him how great it was and how you and the wive's are planning similar for next year, but at kid friendly resort.

The important part is that you need to seem grateful while entirely undermining his enthusiasm for another trip.

Honestly, your husband is such a selfish dick. And for him to call you selfish makes my blood boil and I don’t even know you. Were there signs he was such a dick before you started having kids with him?

Your husband is an twatish ass. I daresay you felt that you had no choice but to agree to it. The nerve of him to tell you that you are 'lucky' that he hasn't gone off on a golf holiday on his own.
I don't have much advice but would suggest that you think about whether it would be easier to be a single parent. Or you could consider issuing an ultimatum that you won't be doing anything of this kind again, and that if he wants to remain married he puts his wife and children over golf.

Mate, you're on the wrong thread.
You can go and post your women hating nonsense on any thread about the Lionesses and their lack of football prowess. Much more appropriate and you might even find some solidarity with other little misogynists too.

edit apologies @thepariscrimefiles obviously should have tagged the post from @NeedZzzzzssss that you commented on.🙄

Depends on how much time he spends off playing golf while you’re there.

Oh, and you need to bond with these women or at least appear to so that you can talk about how you're talking about a ladies only trip. Put the fear of God into him that if he takes a lads holiday he will also be taking a week of lone childcare.

As a family could you have afforded your husband to have a golf holiday with his friends and a separate holiday as a family? If the answer is no, then your husband should be prioritising his family, not his hobby. Yes, you'll have company from the other wives on this holiday, but you won't be seeing much of your husband. So this means during the day you will be parenting solo, at the very least. I think you need to talk to your husband regarding expectations whilst on this holiday - you need down time too, he can't spend all day, every day playing golf. You've compromised, so now it's time he does the same. This conversation needs to happen before the holiday, not during it, and no, I don't suppose he'll be too happy. Remind him that you are expecting him to take some responsibility for the children, and it's not all falling to you -after all they are his children too!! If you really don't want to go, then stay at home with the children.

Are you joking? So other women, who, let me remind you, are also on holiday, should step up and do some baby sitting of other people's kids, so that the selfish, entitled man doesn't have to do any parenting of his own children and can fuck off all day to do his own thing? Like hell would I be doing that.

I think the point is that OP isn't going to get what she wants, is she? That's a given. He's a selfish tit who isn't interested in what she wants and clearly doesn't think looking after the DC on holiday should be an equal responsibility. So this is OPs opportunity to make sure they don't establish a new normal of her looking after the kids whilst he swans off. The baby will obviously have to stay with her as she's bf, but that doesn't mean he can't be presented with exclusive responsibility for the other two.

@DisneyBaby

I think it’s ok so long as you alternate the days e.g one day he plays golf, the next day you go for a massage or whatever for a bit of you time and have a nice lunch out either on your own or with the other women while he looks after the kids.

you don’t all have to be together as “a little family” 24/7 to have a good holiday

They have 3 kids under five and the youngest is 2 months old. At that age we were taking a family holiday which was so dh could not be at work and actively parent and I could get a break. If my dh thought he could spend a week away golfing instead of that I’d have changed the locks, and he wouldn’t be booking this holiday either. He should just be a parent and not take a week long trip for his hobby while he has a tiny baby.

He is being incredibly selfish and he needs to realise this

expecting him to centre the needs of his family isn’t selfish of you it is the minimum expectation of family life with carving out time for his needs to be done in conjunction with and second to that not the other way around

and I assume the dads will be doing a night at least of childcare or he will be for you to get some time to yourself make that very clear now

we just stayed in a resort in Portugal that had golf courses (worked well for us with teens) and my god the number of young under 5s it didn’t work for was high with dads who we all could instantly tell were twats. It was a good lesson for DD 16 as to who to avoid

Why did you say yes?!
That would have been a hell no from me!!!
If you do go ( I would change my mind!) why should he get to go golfing all day? He can go a few times. You'll be left with 3 young kids, which is absolutely hard work, whilst he gets to relax. How's that fair? It's your holiday too.
Agree before you go to him going 3 times only, back by 1pm etc.

I doubt this is his plan, and I expect he’d be pissed off if the op did something without the kids - cant you just see him whining ‘but this is our family holidayyyyy’ with zero self awareness?? I think he’s a stinking selfish fucker being a shit dad and shit partner and the op should tell him.

Oh I don't want to make you feel worse but this sounds like a god awful idea! It would be stressful enough doing a group holiday with kids those ages, let alone one where he will be buggering off playing golf and leaving you to it!

I would never have agreed in the first place.

Wow. You are selfish for not wanting him to go on a golf holiday when you have a young child, toddler and newborn? Would he ever be ok with an entire week mostly looking after the kids by himself? And you should be grateful for having a 'holiday' with people who aren't your friends, looking after kids by yourself, because the alternative is him leaving you at home for a week? That's like men who say to their wives they should be grateful they only yell at them and call them names because some men would hit them. Or any other shit behaviour because other men are worse, completely ignoring that there is a better alternative that is not doing anything shit like plenty of other men.

Of course wanting a family holiday to revolve around your or wanting an entire week to yourself when you have kids that age is not on. Why the fuck didn't he just go on a golf weekend with his mates before you were pregnant

Would he ever be ok with doing this holiday in reverse eg staying at a spa hotel with your mates husbands while you all went off for treatments and yoga classes all day every day? Do you work and if not is there an imbalance in your relationship where he feels like your job is easy and because he works outside the home he calls the shots and 'deserves a break'

This.

Someone somewhere above has even asked if he's a big earner, like somehow big earners are entitled to their downtime, but childfree WAGs have to pitch in and do a family's share of cooking, cleaning, and childcare.

OP you should never have agreed to this, but it's a bit late to do anything now.

I have toddler twins. I've never taken them swimming because I'm only allowed under usual pool rules to have a ratio of 1:1: How are you going to breastfeed and entertain two small kids who want to be in the pool? How are you going to do your ample share of the "housework"? Your turn to pick up the drunk husbands from the bar? The detail isn't important, but this sounds like terrible idea.

You resent your husband and his friends. The WAGs are going to resent you and your children. He will resent you when you complain either now, or inevitably when on holiday this unravels.

And if somehow this all gets held together with sellotape, and he doesn't see the great chasms in sensible logic which get papered over with the help of a team of women who take pity on you, consider carefully your future when he suggests you do this again next year.

I’d be tempted to stay home with the baby and send him with the other 2 DC, see how much golf he gets to do then. Although he would probably palm them off to one of the other women. Is it only men who can play golf?

I bet he spends a large proportion of every weekend playing golf too

Thats just awful and horribly selfish of him. He's dressed it up as a family holiday and it's absolutely not.
I've no problem with men/ women having a few days away from immediate family with friends but you don't dress it up as a family holiday and especially when you have such small children.
I wouldn't go.