AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

[DisneyBaby]

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

Sorry - you just don’t get a golf holiday when your kids are that young unless you’re Donald Trump

Go and make the best of it but if you can afford it try and at least buy yourself a few hours off here and there while he has the kids - couple of hours in a spa if you can spend that long away from the baby. If not, buy in the food and help so you’re not cooking or cleaning at least. Good luck and solidarity!!

If he has 5 hours off for a round of golf leave the kids with him the next day and have 5 hours somewhere you’d like, even if it’s a cafe with a book, just make the point. He won’t want to do it again. Usually all mums go.

She’s breastfeeding an eight week old so probably can’t go away from the baby for five hours.

Absolutely this.

This isn’t a compromise it’s him getting exactly what he wants and showing complete contempt for what you and the kids want.

So why kick off now rather than then. She has literally left it to a couple of days before the holiday to decide she doesn’t want to go. She’s had three kids with the guy so, presumably he isn’t that bad. If he is then she has a lot bigger things to worry about than the holiday.

We’ll take that one and leave the others.

My definition of a family holiday is a relaxing time with family, Adding golf snd friends into the mix is a big no from me.

He gets to play golf away from the kids. You get scraps of his time. He is treating you like a nanny/maid!

I think you were insane to agree to this. What are you getting out of this arrangement?

I genuinely could not be in s relationship with a man like this.

I hear you. It’s like he’s the hero as he’s come up with a solution so he’s not away from you but still gets to play golf what a thoughtful husband! But in reality he should’ve forgone the golf holiday because he has three young kids to spend time with instead. I agree with others who are saying he’s selfish.

You might just enjoy it!
Can you book a book another week or long weekend away just as family so that it feels like an extra trip, rather than “the trip”

She's just had a baby. Lots of women find themselves a bit out of balance straight before and after pregnancy and it can be hard to stand your ground when hormones are wizzing round your body and you're focused on far more important things - especially if your DH is NOT focused on the important stuff.

Wtf sort of response is this?! She has a two month old, never mind the older kids. And if she doesn’t let her husband piss off golfing you’re saying she’s “boring” and it’ll be her fault if/when he has an affair?!!

Very odd attitude. Glad I’m not married to you.

It’s nothing to do with people becoming anti social - some people would love it, others would hate it - that’s not a new thing

Ive got friends who go away every year with 16 of them sharing an 8 bedroom villa in Spain - they love it. I’ve invited but being around that manhole for a week is my idea of hell.

People are different - who knew?

It sounds just awful but I’m not sure why you agreed. Will probably cause more aggro to not go so easiest thing now is to go and make sure it never happens again

and when he comes back from his golfing literally hand him the kids

Couldn't have said it better myself. It's bad enough that he booked a golfing holiday when he has three children, including a tiny breast fed baby but to add insult to injury, he is trying to gaslight OP into thinking that she should be grateful for a 'holiday' where she does all the childcare and he goes off every day with his mates.

Ha no. Speaking as someone on holiday with kids now (including a baby and toddler) it is not relaxing in the least: trying to stop the toddler drown, suncream topped up, baby safe and fed, everyone entertained … Far from a break! She won’t be sat sunbathing for hours on end reading a book 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your unreasonable to have agreed to it and be questioning it now.

He’s unreasonable for making the family holiday all about him.

I wouldn’t pull out at this stage though. Ideally some golfing ground rules should be in place (ie how many days / hours etc) but again, just feels too late to start discussing now. This should have been agreed before booking.

The older two are too young to be playing around a pool unsupervised. They will no doubt be wearing flotation devices but it will still be dangerous unless two parents are watching. Trying to find shade to feed the baby (too young for sunscreen) and to monitor how much sun the other two are getting will be hard.

If Dad plans to play golf in the morning then come straight back and prepare lunch for his family and spend the afternoon with family on beach/by pool then fine. No alcohol consumption - you can’t be full on caring for such young children if you have been drinking.

I'm torn on this one, but only a little bit. The husband is well and truly taking the piss, that much is clear. However I can't help think that the OP is to some extent the author of her own misfortune by 'reluctantly agreeing' in thr first place when the response should have been more along the lines of 'You must be joking, give your head a wobble you selfish twat'. OP YANBU to be very annoyed at his idea of a family holiday, but it would be a bit unreasonable to say you're not going at this late juncture. Just make damn sure you get your pound of flesh either on the holiday and for a long time after.

Yeah I know various men like this. Utterly selfish twats the lot of them, including your husband. Mine used to play rugby most Saturdays (all day affair) leaving me holding the baby and this was after he’d worked away most of the week.

He’ll be on that golf course from dawn till dusk and you’ll be left wrangling 3 small children.

im sure there must be some decent men out there but the vast majority are so fucking selfish it makes my blood boil!

WTAF? Not wanting her husband to go on a golfing holiday when they have three small children including a 2 month old breast fed baby makes her boring and it would serve her right if he had an affair? What sort of man books a golfing holiday when his wife will still be recovering from childbirth? The bar for men is so low on here, it's almost unbelievable.

He’s invited the others wives’ so you can all look after the kids whilst they all go golfing, how they’ve persuaded you all this is ok is a master class in manipulation!

You are not being selfish OP. Your DH is the selfish one.

If this was a random week away in addition to your annual family holiday then I'd think fair enough. But for your one holiday this year? Your DH has masterminded this to appear to be the thoughtful wonderful husband.

'I'm not disappearing for a week this year to play golf - I'm a family man and I care about my wife and spending time with my kids.'

'Let's ALL go on holiday with my golf buddies so I can play golf all day (probably) every day and you, wife, can bring the kids along and have a lovely time looking after 3 children while I'm getting pissed at the 19th hole.'

Sounds idyllic. He owes you BIG time for your next holiday OP! At least a week away AI with kids club and an additional long spa weekend for you with your friends is in order I reckon!

This could be a bloke writing this to be fair, there are loads on here now, the tone has really changed.

He's railroading over your feelings and your experience of life (breastfeeding, new baby, 3 young dc) and your clearly stated preferences (to spend time with him and dc). He's doing it to satisfy his selfish desire for a golf holiday with his mates.

If he wanted a golf holiday, I get it. Being a parent can easily mean separate holidays so that you each have time as adults to enjoy your friends and hobbies. Money, holiday time and all that needs negotiating between you both.

Clearly this is not the time for his lads holiday (breastfeeding, and 3 young dc!!). He chose to have these dc. He cannot just dump childcare on you. That's not a holiday for you. It's childcare in a new and inconvenient location.

How would he feel if you booked a weeklong walking holiday with your mates and told him he could watch the dc with 'the men' while you and 'the ladies' hiked? All day, every day.

The worst thing he's done here is dismiss you and accuse you of being selfish. The DARVO is not a good look.

HRTFT.
But “he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.”

Should you also be grateful that he doesn’t hit you or sleep around? Should he be grateful if you come up with a plan for him to bring the kids and babysit while you go on a yoga retreat to India, or stay in a spa hotel with your mates?