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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

223 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/08/2025 00:57

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
NeedZzzzzssss · 01/08/2025 07:11

Jonesboot · 01/08/2025 07:05

Sharing the same house with all of these people would be my idea of hell. Good luck, hopefully it will be better than you're expecting.

Yeah I do think having your own place would be preferable, in saying that maybe you'll have built in babysitters on hand. I hope it's a mansion!

Dearg · 01/08/2025 07:16

The only unreasonable thing you have done is say yes, to then turn around just before departure and decide you don’t want to go.

I am with you, the idea of sharing a house with others, while breastfeeding and looking after two other young ones is hellish; I would not want to be the one sharing either.

But you did commi, so it’s a bit unfair to back out. All of that said, your DH is a selfish bastard.

Theroadt · 01/08/2025 07:19

He’s using you for babysitting his kids whilst you have a holiday. Red flag.

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:21

We had idyllic family holidays staying with other families when I was a child. The dads played golf together in the mornings, we would all go to the beach together in the afternoons. They just weren’t described as ‘golf holidays.’

Doingmybest12 · 01/08/2025 07:22

He's deluded himself that this is a reasonable plan. I think he should just play golf for 2 days and then be with you all for the other days. Otherwise don't go, unless one of the other wives has been specifically lined up as child care help. Which I'm sure they'd be thrilled about. He should've just gone for a golfing weekend and then a family holiday.

PurpleThistle7 · 01/08/2025 07:22

I would 100% rather single parent in my own house than in this setup. It would be different if these were mutual friends with similar aged children and some give and take. But it’s not. It’s a group of men disappearing all day, every day and their associated partners back home. The childfree couples might have a lovely time and maybe the ones with babies can do day trips and such… but what exactly are you meant to do with THREE children all day? I would absolutely not be expecting the other women to help as it’s their holiday too. The house won’t be set up for children and you’re going to spend hours a day exhausted by parenting two bored children while having a newborn on top of you.

Absolutrly not from me.

PurpleThistle7 · 01/08/2025 07:23

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:21

We had idyllic family holidays staying with other families when I was a child. The dads played golf together in the mornings, we would all go to the beach together in the afternoons. They just weren’t described as ‘golf holidays.’

Well maybe ask the mothers if it was super fun for them.

but also this isn’t that. There are no other children, just OPs and she will be alone with them all day.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/08/2025 07:25

Can't believe the audacity of the guy saying you're the selfish one! He's arranged a golfing holiday with his mates and invited you along purely to look good in other people's eyes, and would probably have slated you to them if you'd refused. If this is your only holiday this year I'd be seriously fucked off

LottieMary · 01/08/2025 07:26

As you’re leaving tomorrow I wouldn’t pull out unless the place itself has absolutely no attraction to you.

but you need to both be clear on what’s happening (it sounds like he is!) and when you’ll be separate and together - if you’re waiting around for him all the time you’ll also be miserable. Yes maybe this shouldn’t be a thing but you’ve agreed to it now so try make the best of it?

But I’d agree in general this is a pretty selfish plan - but you’ve agreed to it which enables him to congratulate himself on a solution for everyone.

How are you paying for this trip? Is it replacing entirely a family holiday together? Does he control your money?

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:26

When did people become so antisocial?
We often went on holiday with friends when the DC were young renting a big house together.
The advantages were other kids for ours to play with - they’d pretty much keep themselves entertained.
Adult company for us.
Extra pairs of hands to help, take turns with cooking etc, keep an eye on the kids on the beach.
Flexibility on other activities- not everyone had to do everything,

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/08/2025 07:30

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:26

When did people become so antisocial?
We often went on holiday with friends when the DC were young renting a big house together.
The advantages were other kids for ours to play with - they’d pretty much keep themselves entertained.
Adult company for us.
Extra pairs of hands to help, take turns with cooking etc, keep an eye on the kids on the beach.
Flexibility on other activities- not everyone had to do everything,

It's a golfing holiday, not a friends holiday, her husband is going to be out golfing all day and the women don't have little kids...do you think they're going to be wanting to help look after kids on their holiday? I wouldnt

Lurkingandlearning · 01/08/2025 07:31

What he is presenting as a compromise that you should be grateful for, is still a holiday you don’t want. It’s not a family holiday, it’s a golf trip.

I see the benefits of spouses taking separate holidays but I think, if you have children, a family holiday should come first. If you can’t afford to do both, then trips with friends should wait until you can.

VoooooooooooV · 01/08/2025 07:31

I think you are being unreasonable because you’ve agreed to the holiday. It’s unfair to agree to it then change your mind at the last minute when nothing can be done. I’d go and try and have a good time. You can always go out with your DH and kids some of the time. The kids might really enjoy it too.
Has the house got a pool? Sitting around a pool with the kids sounds like a good holiday to me.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2025 07:31

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:26

When did people become so antisocial?
We often went on holiday with friends when the DC were young renting a big house together.
The advantages were other kids for ours to play with - they’d pretty much keep themselves entertained.
Adult company for us.
Extra pairs of hands to help, take turns with cooking etc, keep an eye on the kids on the beach.
Flexibility on other activities- not everyone had to do everything,

FFS she's not being antisocial just because she doesn't want to spend her annual family holiday taking care of her three kids and making small talk with her husband's friends' wives while he fucks off and plays golf every day.

That's a very different kettle of fish to a group of friends who actually get on well and share similar interests deciding to go on a group holiday because that's what they all want.

The OP was coerced into this by her selfish husband and unsurprisingly she isn't looking forward to it.

PurpleThistle7 · 01/08/2025 07:31

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:26

When did people become so antisocial?
We often went on holiday with friends when the DC were young renting a big house together.
The advantages were other kids for ours to play with - they’d pretty much keep themselves entertained.
Adult company for us.
Extra pairs of hands to help, take turns with cooking etc, keep an eye on the kids on the beach.
Flexibility on other activities- not everyone had to do everything,

There are no other children, just a couple babies. No one is keeping anyone entertained and the other wives shouldn’t be expected to help OP on their own holiday. She will be single parenting all day every day.

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:32

PurpleThistle7 · 01/08/2025 07:23

Well maybe ask the mothers if it was super fun for them.

but also this isn’t that. There are no other children, just OPs and she will be alone with them all day.

Show quote history

Yes our Mums enjoyed it too. OP says a couple have babies. Hopefully the others will all chip in to help. But it does depend on the individual dynamics.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2025 07:32

VoooooooooooV · 01/08/2025 07:31

I think you are being unreasonable because you’ve agreed to the holiday. It’s unfair to agree to it then change your mind at the last minute when nothing can be done. I’d go and try and have a good time. You can always go out with your DH and kids some of the time. The kids might really enjoy it too.
Has the house got a pool? Sitting around a pool with the kids sounds like a good holiday to me.

I'm not sure how much "sitting round a pool" you think she'll get to do with a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a new baby, even if the place actually has a pool which it might not.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/08/2025 07:32

VoooooooooooV · 01/08/2025 07:31

I think you are being unreasonable because you’ve agreed to the holiday. It’s unfair to agree to it then change your mind at the last minute when nothing can be done. I’d go and try and have a good time. You can always go out with your DH and kids some of the time. The kids might really enjoy it too.
Has the house got a pool? Sitting around a pool with the kids sounds like a good holiday to me.

She reluctantly agreed, I'm guessing she wasnt given much choice

LoudSnoringDog · 01/08/2025 07:33

What a selfish arse

RawBloomers · 01/08/2025 07:33

He's pretending he's being a family man by getting you to drag the kids on a golf holiday? It's pretty much the most selfish way he could go on holiday. It's not better than going off and leaving you with the kids, he's still just doing his thing and you're the childcare. Only this way you have to do it somewhere you don't know and don't have the kids' toys and regular entertainment and you're going to have to be "on" the whole time because of the other wives AND he will get to say "but you had a holiday too" as though he hasn't just been a selfish ass.

I do think pulling out now is probably not the best way to deal with the mistake of having said "yes" in the first place. It's a bit unfair on the others and your kids are probably looking forward to it even if it isn't giving their needs the sort of consideration they need.

I think you should go and spend whatever money you need to to have a good time. Maybe go along to the golf when you expect them to be done so you can hand the kids over and go off with some of the wives for spa treatments/the 19th hole/whatever you'd actually enjoy. Consider getting in an emergency nanny to play with the kids (you don't have to leave them with a stranger, you can still be there but the nanny can take some of the strain of trying to come up with ideas for entertaining, keeping everyone in line if you take a trip somewhere, or running around after energetic live wires, etc.). A breastfed baby does make it a bit trickier to get some down time, depending on how new they are (congratulations, btw) but do what you can.

Golf's pretty expensive so you probably have a pretty big budget if you add up the same expenditure for you and each of the kids...

NetZeroZealot · 01/08/2025 07:33

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/08/2025 07:31

FFS she's not being antisocial just because she doesn't want to spend her annual family holiday taking care of her three kids and making small talk with her husband's friends' wives while he fucks off and plays golf every day.

That's a very different kettle of fish to a group of friends who actually get on well and share similar interests deciding to go on a group holiday because that's what they all want.

The OP was coerced into this by her selfish husband and unsurprisingly she isn't looking forward to it.

Show quote history

My post wasn’t directed at the OP but more at many others who posted that their idea of hell was sharing a house with other people. I should have responded to the individual posts. Sorry.

Runaway1 · 01/08/2025 07:35

What has he got planned to entertain the kids? Id want to discuss that and how those ideas will work if you’re expected to do it solo, while breastfeeding. I think talking about the realities and how it can work before you arrive could hopefully make the trip salvageable.

Lafufufu · 01/08/2025 07:37

nixon1976 · 01/08/2025 01:23

Go, but make sure you have exactly the same time off as him - so he has a day golfing and the next day you have a complete day off , either with the other wives or alone to just chill

This
Even if it means you stay at home with " just the baby"

Every hour he gets - you get. Same applies when you get home keep a tally and cash it in later if you have to.

This is a shit holiday not because other people are there but because hes a selfish knob and is planning on fucking off to golf every day.

If you are in a villa will you have a car / carseats so you can get out and about

WonderingWanda · 01/08/2025 07:38

This sounds horrendous. It's not even AI where all the cooking is done for you which would give you a little break. Please make sure you book a similar trip where he does all the childcare and you swan off to a spa op.

MascaraGirl · 01/08/2025 07:41

nixon1976 · 01/08/2025 01:23

Go, but make sure you have exactly the same time off as him - so he has a day golfing and the next day you have a complete day off , either with the other wives or alone to just chill

You’re missing the point - this is not about equal amounts of time off, but time spent together