AIBU for not wanting to go on a family holiday with friends?

[DisneyBaby]

My Husband loves golf and has been banging on about going on a golf holiday with his mates for a while now. I wasn’t keen on the idea as we have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 2 months so home life is quite hectic. His compromise was that he wanted to ask his golf mates and their wives to join us on our usual week holiday so that he could have his golf holiday whilst also being around the kids etc. I reluctantly said yes.
We are going tomorrow and I’m just not excited for it, I feel upset that I’m having to compromise on our usual family holiday and quality time together because he’s invited friends and will be off playing golf most days when usually we’d be spending quality time together on the beach or doing days out with kids. I will be with the wives, who are all lovely, but I would rather be with him and spend time together as a family.
I tried talking to him about how I feel and he says i’m being selfish because I just want my husband and kids to myself. He says I should be grateful that he’s come up with this plan instead of leaving me for a week for a proper golf holiday.
But I feel like he’s been selfish because he’s not put our kids interests first and I feel like the quality of the holiday for the kids and I will be compromised.
His friends and their wives and nice, but they don’t have kids our older children’s age (a couple have babies), and a week is a long time to spend with friends when I’m still getting used to having 3 kids. We are all staying in the same house and I’m breastfeeding too so not going to get much privacy… Am I being unreasonable or is he?

second post today I've left this same comment...

you've procreated with a man who doesn't place you high in his list of priorities. Did he even want kids? I'm guessing you "fell " pregnant, because he's not acting like a husband and father, he's acting like a selfish prick.

Ah fuck that.
You're still in the midst of getting up all night with the new baby, and trying to establish a feeding pattern throughout the day - you'll want to walk about without caring about your dignity. You'll now have to be mindful of this with other people there.
With other children there, you'll naturally have a watchful eye on them, too, so your three kids will turn into many more!
Bedtimes will be harder, as they will want to stay up with the others, or some will be awake at night when yours are trying to sleep.
This isn't a holiday. It's chaos.
I would never have agreed to it in the first place and would have told him he is fucking cheeky asking you to forego your treasured family holiday to piggy back a sporting event on top of it.
He will most likely be gone from early am to late afternoon every day, and has used this as a great excuse to get a golfing holiday away abroad!
He should have booked this as a separate man's break, not used the family holiday.
If you do go on this "man's golfing break" away, he owes you a decent family holiday to make up for it - because this isn't one, and that's for sure!

He doesn't need to agree, she simply needs to make plans and either wait for him to refuse them because he has plans woth his mates, followed by making new plans and doing the same as him: walking out/off when he is with the kids and waiting for the fallout.

follow up with "how can you possibly have a problem with putting your kids to bed while I go out for a few hours when I've been looking after them all day?"

There is no reasonable answer and he will make himself sound like an absolute pillock if he tried to justify the alternative.

@99bottlesofkombucha

oh, I agree - she shouldn’t ask him, she tells him “I’m off for a massage, see you later!” and head out the door. So it’s not up for negotiation.

OP, if you had a hobby would you suggest leaving your family for a week to go on holiday? Would you then offer a compromise to go with other people and their spouses? If you did what would your DH say?
I suspect none of that would happen…..

I think you would have been better telling him to go alone and then booking a week away for yourself with your friends. Let him look after all 3 children alone.
Of course it’s selfish of him.

If he has a day golfing say 8:00-15:00
Then in return you get to go off for the same period of time I would hope?
If not then you need to have a bit of a chat.
Has he spoke to you about when he will be playing golf? And you have said when you will be doing your activities? I would have a massage and time by the pool/nice lunch and a book. He has the kids during this time.
that seems only right.

Have you met the other women? Have they all been bamboozled into this? And my sharny arse there will be 2 rounds of golf. It'll be golf most days, all day, home dinner, drinks, bed, rinse and repeat.
I'd imagine the older kids will be excited about holiday. If I was evil, I'd be "sick" tomorrow, and pack him off with them and stay home with baby. But you wont, because you're a loving reasonable mum who just wants a holiday with those you love. You monster.
You'll go, there will be simmering resentment, he'll be oblivious and think it was wonderful and try to do it again next year.
Hope the other wives are lovely and you get on like a house on fire, then book a holiday with them no kids and he goes off and golfs with his chums.

Gosh, the amount of women on this thread that are reinforcing the low standard for men. Says it all.
I would not tolerate this at all. I’d not be going. Sounds awful, no matter how nice the wives are! It’s not a family holiday!!!! It’s a golfing trip with you guys tacked on at the end. Very selfish on his part.

What an absolute dick.
Not sure if possible, but can you pay for some help with kids? Nanny / babysitter/ kids club

Well isn't he a peach. 😡

You and your children are being parked with the other women, while he swans off playing golf with his buddies.

No mention of time for you to unwind, or plans to be together as a family.

And he has the audacity to call YOU selfish.....🤦

Sorry I'm confused here I'm presuming DH works,so when he's not at work and said DC are not in school playschool aren't you looking after them on your own anyways,why is everything got to be a drama,yes you're disappointed you're not going on the holiday you wanted and you should have said NO but you didn't and now here you are whining to all these crazy women who's first comment is DIVORCE..So pull up your big woman pants go enjoy yourself and who knows it could be fun if you let it be,but let DH know it won't be happening again and he owes you big time,you're only making yourself and your kids miserable as DH will be enjoying his golf

totally selfish especially having a young baby and 2 other young children.

I had a similar experience in my marriage, he is now my EX.
My ex went to NYC with children in care, whilst I was in post natal depression with 2 children. You have to look after yourself and your children. In other words he's a tosser.

Divorce is expensive mentally and financially.

You should be GREATFUL.?? nah. Put that whole man in the bin.

Quite honestly, if it turns out to be as hellish as it sounds, I would be tempted to fly home after a couple of days, just me and the baby, leaving 'Dad' to manage the toddler and the five year old.
Be interesting to see how he much golf he gets in then.

Tbh I can’t fathom why you agreed to this.

It is a golf holiday for him with the added bonus he feels he’s “sorted you out” re: childcare re: the other mothers all mucking in together.

You can’t change it now but once there, as soon as they come back from the golf course’s hand over childcare responsibilities and bugger off to do something by myself (or with any other mums I enjoyed the company of).

If they want the day playing golf then they can look after and feed the kids all late afternoon and evening,

If he questions “family time” the he can FO as was he means is him having time to himself whilst you have none.

Draw a hard line and stick to it or this will be his perfect holiday every year.

YABU. I wouldn't be keen either and I understand your points. But, despite your reservations you agreed to it and its booked now (if I understand correctly), so I think you have to grin and bear it. I'd suggest a compromise and maybe suggest you have some evenings out and you and the wives could pool together to babysit each other’s kids each evening or some such arrangement? I think you have to make the best of it and if you do not enjoy it, don't agree to it again.

Ignoring all the MN man-haters who seem to think the best course of action for you is to divorce him and become a single mother for 3 children, possibly the dumbest idea / worst advice ever…

For a start, from what you’ve said at least some the other partners (who have babies) will be in exactly the same situation, so maybe you can actually have some fun together; and yes, it is a reasonable compromise, he’s given up a holiday on his own to play golf, and you’re sharing the family holiday with other families - which by the way tons of families do, including many families where the guys head off to play golf.

Agreed - only if she’s allowed to swan off for a week too (which I don’t think would be likely - breastfeeding aside!)

If he is off playing golf every day that woyld royally piss me off and I would have stayed home. If it is a mix of a couple of days golf and lots of group and family things then I think it could be nice.

Knew someone else like this. Everything resolved around golf. Guess what they are now divorced.

Well, quite. Which is why he needs to go on golfing holidays with just his pals. If he did that, this wouldn't be an issue.

It might be impossible to leave a breastfed 2mo for an evening out.

I don’t think she has to grin and bear it. She should establish exactly how much family time there will be from this man, lock him in to providing her with regular time off where she makes sure he’s parenting for a change, or not go. ‘The guys are planning on playing 9 holes per day’
her: ok then we are not coming, none of them have a 2mo.’ ‘You said it was a family holiday- if family holidays no longer include you parenting then I’ll take them without you and where I choose from now on.’

you cant chill with a 2month old.

I'd stay home and please myself - just as he is hoping to do. He'll look a right tool to the rest of the group and may feel the odd man and out - but that is his problem. What a selfish man.