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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My niece has used my son's name

224 replies

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 14:54

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 29/07/2025 14:55

I think if they’ve not acknowledged it then it’s just coincidence and they haven’t even twigged that it was the name of your son.

edited to say - I’ve just realised he was 20 when he died so the first name should have been obvious to her. Middle name maybe less so.

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 14:56

It is so so weird that you think that she should have told you a thing or have given you any more response than thanks to your social media congrats that would have taken you all of a ten seconds.

very weird

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 14:57

You barely know her

She lives thousands of miles from you

beyond social media likes and comments… nothing more

correct?

thebluehour · 29/07/2025 14:59

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 14:57

You barely know her

She lives thousands of miles from you

beyond social media likes and comments… nothing more

correct?

Edited

Are you usually this stunningly insensitive?

This relative has named her child the same first and middle names as OP's dead son. It's a significant thing.

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 14:59

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 14:56

It is so so weird that you think that she should have told you a thing or have given you any more response than thanks to your social media congrats that would have taken you all of a ten seconds.

very weird

Sorry I don't understand your reply? What would have taken me ten seconds? What's weird?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 29/07/2025 15:00

I’d assume they thought it was a nice name and a nice gesture and that was it. I wouldn’t like it if a family ever did that personally but I guess they are not in your day to day life. I do feel they should have given you a heads up

Whoevenknows79 · 29/07/2025 15:01

@guestofclanmackenzie I would find it strange too. Are you close with your sibling who is her parent? If so maybe I'd have expected them to mention it. Sorry for the loss of your son 😔

Gloriia · 29/07/2025 15:01

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 14:56

It is so so weird that you think that she should have told you a thing or have given you any more response than thanks to your social media congrats that would have taken you all of a ten seconds.

very weird

Not weird at all, it would be polite to do so.

It's more weird and rather insensitive not to have mentioned it at all.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 29/07/2025 15:03

Very weird, and actually insensitive of her parents to not bother mentioning it to you and your DH. Surely at least one of them is well aware of the name coincidence? Couldn't they have thought to drop you a message to acknowledge the same name? I wouldn't be impressed myself.

watchingplanesicantafford · 29/07/2025 15:03

I think that when you and DH messaged her to say you loved the name, in her eyes that was you giving your approval. I don't think she needs to acknowledge the situation anymore than that. I can understand why you feel like this about your son's name though, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 15:06

I should have explained that they did grow up together as toddlers and young adults but lost touch when she moved away. She got married the month after he passed away and apparently lit a candle to honour him during the ceremony.

OP posts:
Marylou2 · 29/07/2025 15:06

I'm so sorry about your son OP. I lost my brother at the same age. Is the parent of your niece from your family still alive? Can you ask them about this? It does seem very strange to use exactly the same names and not acknowledge them so perhaps a coincidence?

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 15:06

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 14:59

Sorry I don't understand your reply? What would have taken me ten seconds? What's weird?

Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name!

Very little has been said back other than "thanks"

what did you expect back?
i would be very surprised if this cousin has any idea of the connection. When was the last time actually spoke with her or indeed interacted with her on any level aside from liking social media posts?

JuicySmoochy · 29/07/2025 15:07

I’m so sorry about the loss of your son.

Might it be one of those things where the niece thinks her parents will have spoken to you and the parents will have thought the niece will have spoken to you.

I suspect it’s just a coincidence though especially if the name is a fairly common name.

How old is the niece?

Gemmawemma9 · 29/07/2025 15:07

It’s really strange. I would be hurt that she hasn’t acknowledged it in any way. Obviously it’s her prerogative to choose whatever name she likes but to not acknowledge that it’s your deceased sons name is really crass.

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 15:07

icouldholditwithacobweb · 29/07/2025 15:03

Very weird, and actually insensitive of her parents to not bother mentioning it to you and your DH. Surely at least one of them is well aware of the name coincidence? Couldn't they have thought to drop you a message to acknowledge the same name? I wouldn't be impressed myself.

Both of her parents have died unfortunately

OP posts:
NotrialNodeal · 29/07/2025 15:07

I think it's weird too. I don't think it can be a coincidence it's not like she will have forgotten it's your sons name. She doesn't need to ask permission of course but I think it would of been polite to have acknowledged it at some point. Anyway the only reason I can think that she hasn't said anything is she feels uncomfortable addressing it. Anyway, I am sorry to learn about the loss of your son. X

Lavender14 · 29/07/2025 15:07

Whoevenknows79 · 29/07/2025 15:01

@guestofclanmackenzie I would find it strange too. Are you close with your sibling who is her parent? If so maybe I'd have expected them to mention it. Sorry for the loss of your son 😔

Ops niece's parent may not have been aware of the name choice beforehand.

Op, you say you aren't really close and don't even live in the same country and don't really keep in touch - my guess is she's thought it was a nice name and has gauged it that she didn't need to ask because you aren't exactly in each others lives much? Or it could be possible the names mean something else to them entirely. Or she's liked it and felt it was a family nod of respect as well.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. It's only natural it would feel a bit strange. Could you ask their parent (your sibling) when they've got over the craziness of the arrival?

Marylou2 · 29/07/2025 15:08

Sorry OP I missed your recent post. She definitely knows then. Even more odd that she hasn't acknowledged it with you.

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 15:09

guestofclanmackenzie · 29/07/2025 15:06

I should have explained that they did grow up together as toddlers and young adults but lost touch when she moved away. She got married the month after he passed away and apparently lit a candle to honour him during the ceremony.

Oh

this is relevant

although in the two decades since then… have you seen one another? Spoken over the phone? Emailed?

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 29/07/2025 15:13

Regardless of whether or not she has the 'right to' do this, I can totally understand this throwing you. Your lovely boy died way too soon, and so very recently and to have this thrust on you without warning must have thrown you. Your reaction is normal.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/07/2025 15:16

If she lit a candle to him it does seem likely it's deliberate, as he is clearly in her thoughts, but perhaps she didn't really think she should discuss it with you. There isn't really an etiquette I don't think. And family names bring reused seems more common in USA.

Depending how unusual the middle name is that may be a coincidence though as I can't remember many people's middle names! Or in my family lots of people have the same middle name because it's a family name (eg both me and my older cousin after our grandmother, rather than mine being after my cousin ).

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 29/07/2025 15:17

A bit off not to at least have warned you about it.

My daughter has the same first and middle name as one of my oldest friends. First name because it took ages to agree on that one and we didn’t have it in us to find a different one just because it was the same name as a good friend. Middle name was after a significant relative on DH’s side, eldest has a middle name from my side. I’d actually forgotten it was her middle name when we chose it. My friend was the only person to know our daughter’s name before the birth because I thought it was really weird for her to just find that out as a regular birth announcement because, being honest, it is a bit weird. My daughter is not named after my friend, but we would never have gone with the name if we didn’t like my friend as it would have negative associations. My friend took it as a compliment. We did make a bit of a fuss over the two of them meeting. I have a lovely photo of my friend cuddling my baby in her lap, two lovely people with the same name together 😍

Since your son died so young it really is very inconsiderate of them to not check with you beforehand. Sure nobody owns a name, and they’re not close relatives, but when someone’s child has died you should be a bit more sensitive about such things. Personally, if I was the cousin, I wouldn’t have used the name no matter how much I liked it because I’d think it was completely insensitive.

Wigglypasta · 29/07/2025 15:23

Ademasstudio · 29/07/2025 15:09

Oh

this is relevant

although in the two decades since then… have you seen one another? Spoken over the phone? Emailed?

Edited

I can't believe how insensitive you are being. And where are you getting 2 decades from? OPs son and her niece were close as young adults.
To the OP I am very sorry for you loss and I think it is very odd of your niece to have done this without having any sort of conversation with you about it.

whackamole666 · 29/07/2025 15:27

Marylou2 · 29/07/2025 15:06

I'm so sorry about your son OP. I lost my brother at the same age. Is the parent of your niece from your family still alive? Can you ask them about this? It does seem very strange to use exactly the same names and not acknowledge them so perhaps a coincidence?

I'm guessing that your niece is not very socially adept so didn't know how to broach it with you, and that she is honouring your son by naming her baby after him.