My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

Rude and insensitive comment

Another rude and insensitive comment.

So very sorry for your loss OP and please could I just suggest you message them to ask. It is a perfectly reasonable question.

Seem to me like you could ask Ur niece : "Did you know that was exactly the same first and second name as your cousin, our son who died?"

It's not clear that OP is hurt or offended, only that she doesn't know if the choices were that deliberate, meant to honour her own son. I would want to know, too.

New babies are exhausting esp. if you have no parents to help so that could be a reason for the brief 'Thanks' replies.

Given this, I would be very surprised if the baby wasn’t named with your son very much in mind. It’s a lovely gesture.

My friend did this. We were close friends with a girl who's son was still born. She did speak to her and used the name with her blessing. Of course she didn't need, nor was she seeking permission. It just felt like the right thing to do.

Another friend used my name for her daughter. I was a bit miffed as I became known as 'big SassyGreenPanda' to distinguish me from her. She also said not to worry, she hadn't named her after me but another SassyGreenPanda, Somehow that made it worse.

Yes @guestofclanmackenzie It's weird.
If you didn't feel able to say anything to your niece other than, "Congratulations, we love the name" when you found out on social and haven't been able to say anything since then perhaps the best course is to continue to say nothing about it.
Although, you could ask her directly, "Sara, what prompted you to use Evan Michael for your son's name?" But, don't try to reassure, fill in any awkward silence etc. Just ask that question and wait for an answer. Her response might not satisfy you, though, and you could end up feeling confused or uneasy over that, too.

Yes, this is the sort of thing I would have expected most people to do in this situation which is why OP's niece's behaviour is so weird. Surely when you're coming up with name ideas one of the first things you consider is 'who do I already know called this'?

So sorry OP at the loss of your son. Yes it is weird of them to not acknowledge it at all.

Perhaps she’s a little dysfunctional around grief and didn’t know how to handle it. It’s more than a coincidence, it feels a deliberate choice given your explanations. Perhaps she was expecting one of you to mention it/thank her for using his name (which circles back to my original comment).

Your son clearly made a big impact in his short life. I’m sorry for your loss.

I sort of did something similar to this. I named my son after my favourite uncle. I loved my uncle and I love the name. I didn't warn anyone, I didn't think I had to (he died 11 years ago). My aunt and cousins were shocked, it never occurred to me it would upset them tbh. They weren't mad but shocked I guess. But to me, him and I had a special relationship (everyone knew how close he and I were, he himself never had any children of his own and treated me like a daughter) and all I could think about was that. Maybe wrong, but it wasn't malice.

I was extremely close to my cousin growing up snd he died the year before my youngest was born. I named my youngest after him, but only after having checked with his mum (my aunt) as well as both his sons. All was pleased and felt it honoured my cousin and that it was lovely. I can't imagine not having asked/checked with his closest family members first.

Are you mad?! You don’t just forget about something like that.

Do you think she should have asked you permission? I don’t think she had to

OP I would assume that she chose those names to honour her cousin which is lovely. I do think she should have messaged you to say they were thinking of naming the baby after your son and ask if you were happy with that. I just think that would be the sensitive way to have done it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son 💐

Not permission, but maybe just a private message as a heads up before op logs onto her social media and is unexpectedly faced with her child's name.

Anyone would have some feelings about that.

OP hasn't said that - she's said that she would like clarification on "whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?"

My son has the same name as TWO random cousins.

One we knew of but never met in their 15 years of life (so decided they don't really matter to us as they are complete strangers with just shared blood) and one we didn't even knew existed until their mother contacted me AFTER he was born and announced to say 'but thats my sons name'.

It can just be coincidence, especially if they are common names like say 'Michael James' or 'Emma Rose' or current trendy names or 'family' name (so say your son was name after a great-grandfather) etc...

There is usually a rule that you don't use the name of dead babies/children so as not to upset the parents or be seen to attempt to 'replace' them but also its VERY common in many cultures to name after dead adults as an 'honor', usually permission is not sought. While 20 seems very young to die it also probably crosses over into 'being an adult' territory.

My brother died and 5 years later I had a son. I used his first name for my sons middle name, I couldn't imagine calling him the same name, I just thought it would be too difficult for everyone.
You said her parents have both died, I wonder did she not have anyone to discuss it with, maybe her mother/ father would have suggested talking to you about it first?
Maybe it just didn't occur to her to ask you as you don't see her day to day?

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, my son is now the same age that my brother died and I seem to think about him even more now. For her to call him his exact name is a big deal for you and your husband, try to see it in a positive light that he must have had a huge effect on her life for her to use the name.

Sorry for your loss first of all. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t even remembered/realised her late cousins full name. But I also think it’s a bit weird that you only said “BTW we love his name!” Surely you could/should have made some reference to it being your son’s name too? 😵‍💫

Why would she not know the name of her cousin? They grew up together.

I think I would just take comfort from the fact that my son was loved so much someone decided to name their baby after him. You said they grew up together so was once close, she had a candle at her wedding for him so she obviously still thinks a lot of him.
When you congratulated her and she said thanks, she probably thought you were ok with the name choice.

Maybe she named her child after him then, if they'd been close?

Sounds like a stunning lack of social skills to me.

It doesn’t matter if they’ve barely spoken, clearly the niece was close enough to the OP’s son to know his name so it’s shockingly insensitive to not mention this before the fact and then not mention it at all when op congratulated her! YAnBU at all op, I think @Ademasstudio has had a name change because her aggressive responses sound just like another poster who was all over here a few days ago with her long posts.

It’s very odd not to acknowledge that it’s the same name!
Do you have any other family? What do they think?

I’m sorry for your loss.