My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

I think that she named her son after your son, and when you messaged to say you loved the name, she took it that you were pleased.

If done deliberately in order to honour her cousin then I think it would have been better to message you beforehand. Both names the same could have been quite distressing for you (you don't say whether or not it is or whether it's the shock of not knowing beforehand which is difficult for you).

But I do think it's possible, even likely, that it's at least a partial coincidence. I am close to my cousins, both as children and now adults, but I honestly couldn't tell you many of their middle names. Some use them on facebook and one or two I happen to know but definitely by no means all of them. Same with my friends. Middle names just don't come up.

Then the first name - if it's something very popular like Samuel or Daniel then I think it's likely that, although your niece obviously knows it's her cousin's name, that she hasn't chosen it for that reason and hadn't necessarily even consciously connected it to him until you messaged yoour congratulations. At which point she would obviously realise but perhaps thought it crass/too late to say 'I hope you don't mind'. If it's something more unusual then it's much more likely to be a deliberate tribute which she should have told/asked you about first.

I'm really sorry for your loss and understand your feelings of shock on this. Unfortunately, it's hard to know what your niece's level of intent and therefore ideal behaviour is.

Resharing so that it doesn’t get missed as I see some of your earlier posts are still getting replied to. We all get things wrong sometimes. It’s good of you to come back and apologise.

Fuck me!

Are you seriously suggesting that if a cousin of yours, to whom you had been close throughout childhood and into early adulthood, had died as a very young man only 5 years ago, that you would have forgotten all about him?

Is it me or are more and more MNers so lacking in empathy as to be almost sociopathic?

OP I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

They used to play together as children. Has anyone ever mentioned to you about missing a sensitivity chip?

Dreadful isn’t it. What is wrong with people, surely they are not like this in real life with friends and family!

To think she might have mentioned they’d named the baby exactly the same as OP’s late son/ her cousin. Of course that’s weird

So sorry for your loss OP, such a terrible thing to lose a child and he was so young too :( Obviously nobody "owns" a name or names but in this case it would have been nice for her to have mentioned it to you both as he was your son

Glad to hear that, I was starting to wonder what level of sociopathy some posters are.

I'd certainly mention it and try to take it as a compliment. I would want to know if he really was named for your son or maybe the names had another significance.
But I don't think you should be offended or upset by it.

Ops son died five years ago, aged 20, and he and his cousin were friendly as young adults, so not “two decades ago”.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I think it’s really strange that your niece hasn’t said anything at all about the choice of name.

To be honest, if her parents are dead and you are not close and don't live in the same country, I think she maybe doesn't think of mourning her cousin as really being connected to you? Like obviously everyone has parents, and when someone dies you might think "oh their poor family", but if that family doesn't really impinge on your life, you don't maybe think using their name really matters to their family?

Without knowing the name, I can't say coincidence isn't involved. But in my culture it would be an honour to have a baby named for someone and perhaps it might be some comfort for you to take it in that spirit.

This is really weird. Unless they were super close it would be weird to name him after your son but the fact they didn’t even mention it to you shows it wasn’t because of this. I could see why you’d be upset. Sorry for you x

To be honest it might well be a coincidence, if you're in a totally different head space it can completely pass you by.

We named our first with an unusualish name we liked. Then it turned out a few people we knew indirectly also had kids with that name, either younger or older. Then the second we named again with a moderately common name

Only twigged that we chose a similar name to my sibling's second when that child wrote a card literally mentioning it "our names are the same except the last letter". Then a year or two later we realised we also chose a similar name for our first as my siblings first (starts with the same thing, same number of letters and syllables)

Now obviously they are not offended (afaik) but how on earth did we manage that? Not a clue! There are jokes about what our third might be but we aren't having one.

We might still be none the wiser if the child in question hadn't pointed it out.

I would have asked and I think this is a similar situation?
I live fairly close to my aunt but we only see each other maybe once a year and chat on FB between times. I grew up closely with my cousin and we went to uni together then drifted apart a bit
he died at 32. There is no way in hell I would forget his first or middle name and if I had DC I would have likely used his first name as a middle name but I would ask first

I'm so sorry you lost your son, OP. I think your dn has made a tribute to him: what a shame she hasn't communicated it better.

FWIW, I named my firstborn for my mother's sister, who had by then been dead half a century. It is traditional in my culture to name people for dead relatives, but I still asked my mother and grandmother for their approval before proceeding.

I'm so sorry about your son.

It is a little strange that your niece hasn't acknowledged the choice of name to you in anyway. My guess would be that she has chosen it as it honours her cousin and she also likes the name.

Are you on good/ close terms with her parents that you could ask?

I think it is insensitive she didn't reach out and let you know in advance. It would have been lovely to have let you know she hasn't forgotten your boy and this was her tribute and that she hoped you'd be okay with it (even if not asking for permission to use it). Sorry for your loss, OP. Your response was gracious.

What do you mean, ‘any idea of the connection’? Are you suggesting she could possibly be unaware of the name of the cousin she grew up with, who then died at the age of 20?

I’m going to go against the grain here, my son is named after my deceased grandad.
I very unceremoniously told my nan, his widow, and my dad, his son when we decided on the name. No “I want to keep his memory alive”, just “this is the name”.
We chose it because well… A. We both liked it AND B. It worked in both of our native languages WITHOUT people having to put on an accent to say his name right.

It being my grandads name had no real influence on the name, a lucky coincidence? My husband had suggested the name when we first started dating as a “if I have a son I’d like to name him X” and 6 years later there it was.

Crashingly insensitive of your niece. We considered using the name of the son of our cousin who had sadly died as a baby. We wrote to the parents before the baby was born to ask how they would feel about that, and they wrote a lovely letter back explaining that they would find it very difficult, and we absolutely respected that and chose a different name, because we’re not in the market of being twats to bereaved parents, and we care about our family.

Harsh, given the sad circumstances.

Not 'very weird' she literally named her child the OPs dead sons name