My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

Perhaps the middle name is coincidence - I have no idea what my cousins' middle names are. And maybe the first name is just one that they liked? That was also your son's name.

Either way, this must all be very disconcerting for you, and upsetting.

Dear Jesus! people as cold as this exist. Nothing is getting through to you is there, It's as if you've had an emotion by bass.

Firstly OP, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. 💐

Are you sure she actually knew about your son's middle name? Obviously she knew his first name, but I wouldn't assume she knew his middle name.

If his first and middle names were something very distinctive such as Hercules Ebenezer and she's called her son that, then yes, that's very weird.

If he was called Thomas James and she's called her son Thomas James without realising that her cousin's middle name was James, it may be that you are thinking, "She's used my son's first and middle name", whereas she's thinking, "We've chosen a popular first name we both like which just happens to have been the first name of my cousin who died."

My husband and I went through the baby naming process just a few years ago, and what with needing a name which worked in two languages, and having to cross off all the names already used by close family or friends, and not necessarily liking the same names, our shortlist ended up being very short. For DD, we could only agree on one name in the end. I don't think we would have not used it because it was the name of a distant cousin who had died.

However, I do think it is a bit off that she didn't say anything about your son when you messaged her. It wouldn't have hurt to say something like, "Yes, I have always loved the name. Your Thomas is often in my thoughts, I hope you are doing OK." I think it's fairly obvious that calling your son the same name as a relative's son who died is going to make them think of their son, so it would have been nice to acknowledge him.

I completely disagree. Death of a child is not normal grief, it is so much much worse. It doesn’t matter how the cousin feels about honouring her dead relative, his parents feelings should come first. It’s extremely insensitive not to have consulted them. If she was close enough to her cousin to light a candle for him at her wedding and name her baby after him, she’s close enough to contact his parents before using his name like this.

No but you may not know/remember their middle name. I don't think my DC know any of their cousins' middle names, and vice versa

This.
so sorry for your loss op 💛

Wow. The op lost a son called the exact same name. You could be more sensitive.

Very insensitive of them. I’m so sorry about your son.

I am so sorry for my messages
I rushed out a response without proper thought and I am truly sorry OP xx

I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I wonder if you didn’t know that your niece and your son were quite close before his death. Also maybe they were so close in childhood that his death affected her more than you realised. It happens sometimes when someone you know dies young.
She probably didn’t think about asking you or was shy about it. Her parents are dead so she has no one to give her an advice .
I would ask her if she’s chosen the name deliberately she might open up more.

The fact she chose BOTH his name AND his middle name just cannot be a coïncidence.

But it’s very weird that she decided to not tell you or acknowledge it when you contacted her.

Tye only thing that came to mind is that she had no other way to contact you but SM and felt it was inappropriate??

I would assume it's a nod to your son and the delivery has been a bit clumsy. I used a name as a tribute to my Auntie's son, who has passed away, and I can't remember - birth fog - if/how I told her but I thought it was obvious.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, OP.

Given what you have said about her lighting a candle in your son's memory at her wedding, I would assume that the naming was intended as a tribute to her cousin. I agree that it's weird not to acknowledge this to you, buy perhaps she felt awkward about it/didn't know what to say or something. People can do weird things without always thinking about how they will be perceived by others.

Sounds like an odd, rude and hurtful thing to do.

I would write (email) to her if I were you. Both so you can be honest and lift that weight off your own shoulders and also in hope of a future relationship.

YANBU. Some people on this thread have clearly had an empathy bypass.

Totally understandable to find this weird, given that it’s not just the first name but the middle name too. The lack of acknowledgment is odd.

Edited to add: Some people can be funny about grief, and will avoid the topic out of fear of causing upset. Perhaps your niece is the avoidant type and didn’t want to bring this up, even though the very act of naming her son the same would obviously be a massive reminder! She could have felt awkward addressing this directly, which is such a shame.

As a couple of others had said - she may not realise that she has chosen the same middle name. Of my 5 cousins there is one I definitely know her middle name (it is along the lines of Gertrude and we took the piss when she was a child), one I think I know, 2 I either don’t know or they don’t have them and one I suspect is my uncle’s name but that is just a guess.

But even using the first name I think she should have told you.

I would find it really weird.

I’d take it as a compliment/positive thing in memory of your son but it’s still odd not to acknowledge it.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry you lost your son at such a young age. I suppose it could be coincidence that your niece used both your son's names. However, I can understand why it may trouble you: it's bound to bring back some of the grief you felt when your son died.

I haven't read all the comments here but some of them feel a little unkind.

This has been handled poorly by her for sure.

People just get really weird around bereaved parents, it's almost like they wish we would disappear for their comfort.

She was close with your son and wants to honour him, and that's lovely, but she probably felt odd about messaging you first to ask/inform you as you aren't very close now.

I would have some very mixed feelings as well op.

So sorry about your lovely son 💐

Normal I would be saying - no-one owns names but in this case Incan see why you’re hurt.

It must've been so difficult to find out this news. Your son’s name is so sacred to you, branded on your heart forever so I totally see why you’re struggling to process this. I actually think she might not have known his middle name as most of us pay no mind to middle names but maybe thought the first name was used enough not to directly associate it with your son. I don't think she realised. The birth of a baby, whatever its name will be hard for you never-mind when its a relative with the same name. Sending love.x

I see that the fairy with the gift of empathy wasn't invited to your christening.

Do you always speak so rudely to someone who has just told us that she lost her son at the age of 20?

I totally think she could've mentioned it, especially as they grew up together. Some people are so insensitive on here, sorry for the loss of your son.

I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your son @guestofclanmackenzie

It is very odd that your niece has not been in touch about this. I can imagine that it's very upsetting that she hasn't properly acknowledged that it is your son's name. But, based on what you have said, I imagine she means it as a tribute to him and is just somewhat awkward and hasn't known how to have the conversation and has therefore handled it badly.

I'm guessing OP expected a response about the name? Common sense. "Congrats X, we love Y's names." "Thank you, we wanted to include your son Y in the name" Doesn't take much to work that out