My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

@guestofclanmackenzie He must have had both a beautiful name(s) and been an amazing person for friends and family to take his name for their children. So sorry that you lost him.

My children lost a parent and a cousin too young. One of them has told me if she has a son she wants to use her cousin's name, not her dad's name, to honor them both because it is what her dad would have wanted. It's possible the name is a nod to her parent and her cousin, especially if her parent was close to you or your son.

I think it is extremely unlikely the name has been used for any reason other than to honor your son. She probably feels too awkward to mention it or can't find the right words.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your niece has named her DC after your DS in tribute, but probably thought it would be obvious to everyone who knew him.

As her parents have also died and she’s young, it’s likely she didn’t have anyone to advise her it might be helpful to give you advance warning, or probably just thought it wouldn’t matter.

I’d mention it to her when you get the chance, and see what she says.

I’m sorry for the loss of your DS, I can’t imagine your grief. Hearing his name unexpectedly like that must have caused you some mixed feelings, so I’m not surprised you are asking here.

Take care of yourself.

I’d say she’s just awkward and doesn’t really know how to acknowledge it.

Only on Mumsnet would someone say this. In real life, everyone would find it incredibly weird that she’s used both his first and middle name, without a mention to the OP.

I'm so sorry about your son.

I lost my brother as a teenager and hearing his name in the way you describe would have taken my breath away. I wouldn't mind at all, but I would have appreciated a heads up so I could prepare myself for the feelings that inevitably follow.

I think in life it is best no to expect much from others or feel entitled to things. It is best not to place yourself at the centre because that is not where you are for others. Would It have been nice for your neice to check in with you on the name? Yes. Does she owe you this? No. For you, understandably as a mother, your grief is at the front and centre of your every thought. For your neice it is her own relationship with her cousin she is honoring by naming her child after him - not yours. In her mind the name may well have nothing to do with you, even if it has everything to do with your son. The best thing you can do is accept this, and not feel entitled to her time or feel snubbed because she didn’t seek permission. My DD is named after a deceased relative and it would never have crossed my mind to ask permission from the next of kin because the naming was to do with my relationship with my relative/child. It is a terrible tragedy that your son died so early, but do try to see that his death and life were not only yours.

I think its insensitive of her not to contact you to let you know.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yet another MN thread where people fall over themselves to challenge the OP in a bid to be contrary, on a background of ignorance of normal socially sensitive behaviour. Ofc your niece should have told you in advance. It must have elicited complex feelings in you. So sorry about your lovely son xx

Are you sure she that she knew your son middle name? I ask because I genuinely do not know cousins middle name.

Then it would appear, because of that closeness they shared growing up, that she has named her baby in remembrance of her cousin. The fact that she didn’t mention it privately to you and DH does sting but can you try to see past that and take comfort from her acknowledging her late cousin?

I think it’s a bit odd that they didn’t think to tell you beforehand, but perhaps as their relationship was more with your son than with you they didn’t quite know how to. It’s a bit gauche of them not to have asked how you would feel but you aren’t in close or regular contact so maybe not too surprising.

I would try to see it as a sign of their fondness for your son and take comfort in his being remembered by them.

I’m very sorry for your loss, I think you have handled the situation very graciously.

I am so sorry about the death of your son. Ideally, she would have mentioned the name to you. It’s what I would do. But it’s ok that she didn’t because you are so far apart.

It's a Jewish tradition to name a baby after a close relative who has passed away. Some say then their soul is at peace.

Is it possible she doesn’t realise the middle name is the same? I don’t know my cousin’s middle names, I’m not sure if I did in the past. Name combinations that “sound good together” are often just ones we’ve heard somewhere before.

I can see why she maybe didn’t mention it in advance. You’re not close, so contacting you just to discuss this might have made it feel very formal and almost like asking permission. That would have been awkward if she and her spouse were going to use it whatever your feelings. It could also be a tribute to someone else or just a name they both really love, and it also being a tribute to your son is a secondary thing to them.

I do think she should have acknowledged it when you said you loved the name though. Very easy to just quickly explain. And if you were closer, I’d have expected her to mention it beforehand separately.

A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name

They must be very popular names if so many people you know have used them. I think it's understandable that someone you only know peripherally wouldn't immediately associate the names with your son.

OK, we'll all give YOU the benefit of the doubt!

So sorry for your loss.
Such a shocking grief, the loss of a child.

FFS! Her boy was 20 years old. They could have at least acknowledged the name. Your post is offensive

if she had a relationship with your son then the name is meaningful to her. She would have been affected by his passing and grieving never really ends. It is likely that she can’t talk about this or may feel that she isn’t entitled to. I would just accept this naming as a quiet tribute to your son. It definitely does not sound like a malicious or greedy appropriation of a nice name. This might be meaningful to her so let her have it.

She’s your niece, which tells me she’s either your or your husband’s brother or sisters child, whether or not they live thousands of miles away, surely they themselves knew the name of your son, and would have told their daughter about their cousin and using his name!
I think personally it’s quite rude not to have acknowledged the fact that they have used his first name, let alone the second, and would take it up with the parent not the niece who should have known better being your brother or sister.

I'm feeling quite sorry for @Ademasstudio at this stage. The poster has graciously acknowledged their insensitive posts and has apologised yet posters continue to berate her/him.

OP, I am truly sorry for the loss of your darling boy. I agree that it would have been courteous and considerate of your niece to speak to you about her intentions before naming the baby. Of course this will bring up difficult emotions for you, it is completely understandable.

I am sorry that so many posters on here cannot empathise with how you feel about this. The ones who think it is a coincidence that your niece has chosen your son’s name are baffling - especially since you have confirmed a history there. I would feel very much the same as you and understand that you felt you need some kind of confirmation that your son’s name was chosen intentionally or as some kind of tribute rather than just leave you guessing why they chose it. Yes it was insensitive not to give you a heads up and acknowledge that you may have mixed emotions about the name. Yes they absolutely owe that to you regardless of the distance. Your son cannot be replaced and naming another child after him could have rightly triggered all sorts of emotions either good or bad. Or you might be thrilled with the name choice but feel unable to acknowledge that because you are uncertain whether or not there is a link to your son or not. I completely understand that this has thrown you and for what it’s worth I think it was an odd thing for them to do and sorry they did not pre-empt your possible feelings on the matter. Sorry for your loss.

He/she is all over other threads with the same sort of combative and goady posts towards the OP which seems to be their modus operandi. In this case, as OP is a bereaved mum, they obviously realised that they had gone too far, but they haven't tempered their language on other threads.

Ah okay, I hadn't seen those other threads.

Some people do seem to enjoy being combative for some reason 🙄