My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

I’d like to think it’s deliberate because she has such fond memories if your son. I lost a very, very close cousin at the same age they were, and it’s rare that very much time goes when I don’t think of him. I also have a DS, and toyed with a tribute in his name. I opted against as it would’ve been far too painful for my auntie, and indeed my own mum, but that’s also because we all still live closeby. Perhaps the brevity of her own message back simply reflects her own personal grief.

I think if she did it deliberately it is a rather wonderful thing that your son lives so happily in her memory, and another little chap carries a piece of your beloved son on.

I live abroad and briefly considered using my cousins name as I just like the name tbh. I wouldn’t have if he had died. This means the great grandparents will have 2 grandsons same name now which is another reason we didn’t. If it’s a name like Jack or Daniel I find this more unreasonable.

A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name

This makes me sure that the nave is common like James.

Agree it was insensitive not to mention it to you before announcing the name. Is it a family name as well as your son’s name? Just you mentioned both her parents are dead ( poor girl) was it also her fathers or grandfathers name?
Or maybe she couldn’t cope with contacting you to ask as too painful, she’s had a lot of bereavement at quite a young age.

@Ademasstudio You are being stunningly insensitive.

And pretty thick with it.

The cousin lit a candle at her wedding, in memory of her deceased cousin. Of course she remembers the name.

You might want to work on your empathy.

Oh bless her, that was a lovely thing to do.

Would she necessarily know what your son's second name was? I must admit I don't know all my cousins' second names.

If the names are fairly normal, ie not uncommon, more classic, I doubt she would have considered it naming after your son. She may have thought in passing, "I had a nice cousin called that".

Amongst my cousins there are three Davids (two David Johns), and a couple of Eleanors. None named after anyone, they are just ordinary, nice names.

Depends on a name really. If its something all time popular (i.e. James) then there is nothing weird about it.

From your updates about their childhood and that she included him in her wedding, I'd imagine your son meant a great deal to her and she has indeed chosen his names on purpose. I think it would be usual to say something to you, but perhaps the distance between you means she is less close to you than to your sons memory. Regardless I'm glad you're happy as its a lovely tribute to your son and must be a comfort to know he is still in his cousins thoughts.

I think it would depend on the names personally. IF for example it's unusual like Balonz Tarquim then that would be odd but if fairly common use names such as James Oliver I might assume they just chose names the liked and hadn't really thought of the connection.

You are being incredibly insensitive. Her son died shortly before the wedding. Why would she be going to a wedding when she was absolutely devastated?

I am close with my 7 cousins. I do not know any of their middle names.

Some of the responses on here are staggeringly insensitive and just spiteful.

OP, I’m sorry about your son. I think your niece should have said to you about the name but I wonder if she is so self absorbed that it didn’t cross her mind to realise or understand that it’s the polite and kind thing to do.

The cousin grew up playing with him and lit a candle for him at her wedding ceremony just a month after he died. The name was not random in any sense.

You are so so weird, not the OP

The niece forgot about her cousin who died 5 years ago? Really?

I am very sorry for the loss of your son, but I suspect she just hasn't given this as much thought as you have.

Maybe she just liked the name, thought it would have extra significance because it was her cousin's. Who knows about the middle name?

Personally speaking I had quite a lot of contact with my cousins growing up, now relations are cordial and sporadic. I wouldn't have the first clue what their middle names were - any of them.

Nice sentiment but we don't need ChatGPT generated responses on mumsnet, please don't do it

But as I layer said I am really close with my cousins (as a child and as adults) but do not know their middle names. So random common names may not even have registered. I had someone say about one of my kids names once being the same as someone we knew and I commented and also my husband's dad's name so no they weren't named after X.

Oh my goodness OP, I’m so very sorry for your loss and for some of the very very insensitive responses you’ve had on here. MNers disappointing me yet again.

I agree with you that it’s very odd. My son is a similar age to the age your son was, and if he passed away and then 5 years later a family member, no matter where they lived, used his first and middle name for their baby without saying anything, I would feel exactly the same as you.

She clearly felt the loss of a close family member as lit a candle in his honour (I wasn’t sure if that was at her wedding or the baby’s christening which would be even weirder?) I honestly cannot fathom why they’ve not said anything to you about the choice of name.

I think I would be tempted to message and say just out of curiosity, have you named him after (son’s name)? Or is it a total coincidence that he has the same first and second name. I don’t think she’d be offended by that message at all and it would clear it up for you xxx

This is indeed a bit weird, the use of both names. I can also see why this brings back memories and emotions that you were not expecting. Did she know your son’s second name, as that may have been a coincidence? Maybe she did not think this through - to communicate about it with you, maybe she did not know how, and if I understand it correctly her parents have passed away so they could not help here either? Its probably best to accept it and move on, they are far away … You have congratulated her, did not get much of a response … but I understand you feel confused about it. (Also, I am very sorry about your son.)

I understand your feelings I think it's insensitive and people on here need to show some sensitivity.

So sorry for your loss.

A fairly close relative named her daughter the same first name as my daughter. I didn't mind at all although my elderly grandparents were baffled to have two great grandchildren by the same name. I do feel if it's the name the parent loves then they should use it, years ago it was normal for families to have many members with the same name. However what made it weird was she never acknowledged it. To me the normal thing to do would be for her to have said to me, 'we just really loved the name' or something, just literally to acknowledge it! It felt awkward her never having done so, especially as the first time we met the baby she immediately starting referring to our daughter as 'your Ava' (for example) whereas her baby was simply 'Ava'. And at their instigation the cousins are now referred to as Big Ava and Little Ava in the wider family which I'm sure my DD will be thrilled about when she's older 🙄
Apparently when my grandma met the baby she brought up about there now being two Ava's and she was just given a bland smile in response. Odd.
I think its people with poor social skills who don't comprehend the nuances of social etiquette.

If I name my first born Hercules Ebeneezer are you coming for me? Because that is possibly my new favourite boys name 😎😆

Yes, to me it is strange that she has not mentioned anything.
The only thing I can think of, is that she is feeling like she might upset you by acknowledging it?
I am sorry to hear of your son's untimely death OP.

Thank you. You could have just hidden the thread and moved on, but I appreciate your apology.