My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

Thank you to everyone for their (mainly) kind messages.

I've decided to view it that my son's name lives on. When you have lost a child, especially in very tragic circumstances, you try to make their memories live on as much as possible. As people go about their lives, and move on, I've been terrified of him being forgotten about (by friends and the wider family) and left behind. This way, whether I have confirmation of her honouring him or not, his name has not been left behind.

Can I ask how long ago her parents died?

She’s young to have lost both of them and perhaps she just assumes you both understand grief and the name choice?

You losing your son is horrific. Her being orphaned so young is also awful.

No, it's not just you. I honestly cannot believe some of the responses on here.

That's a very sensible and kind attitude to take, OP.

So sorry for the loss of your son, and your sibling who was your neices parent.

As she referred to him in her wedding ceremony, it sounds as if she did use his first name in a meaninful way, as a family name, the middle name may have been a coincidence.

I think she should have asked you in advance if you were OK with it, just in case you would be upset.

And sorry you've had to read some really crass comnents on this thread.

I'd love to know his name! But understandable you probably don't want to post it.

Anyway, I think it's lovely and I'm glad your son has been honoured by so many people now :).

@guestofclanmackenzie I’m so sorry OP.

My son also died a similar number of years ago. I would find this hard.

My nephew had a baby and his name is a variation of my son’s name. He told me and my DH personally a few months beforehand and said we had absolute right of veto. He also promised that if would be shortened to a different version because ‘there can only be one’

so even if your niece did mean it as a tribute, she has not been sensitive about it.

I’m so sorry and I hope you can see the intention behind it, rather than the clumsiness.

Are you even human?

Hi @guestofclanmackenzie: sorry for your loss

With your update, it sounds very much that your niece has chosen to remember her cousin, your late son, with this name

She perhaps could have mentioned it but not easy to put in words

Slightly off topic.

My DS is adopted. After a few years we had some contact with birth family. Assume our sons first and middle names are David John (given by BM) we discovered that BMs younger sister had called her first boy David and her second boy John. Her David was born a month or so after our David originally went into care.

Whatever the rights and wrongs on the part of the BM that resulted in our David going into care, I was quite surprised when I heard their names and I did think that was incredibly insensitive of the younger sister.

But to be fair, she could have asked. I just got the feeling she didn't.

Hi @guestofclanmackenzie although slightly off the topic, you mentioned that she's lost both her parents quite young (I assume she's around 25ish?), yet has only honoured her first cousin with her firstborns name? If I'm honest, that's what strikes me as the oddest part of this, wasn't she close to her parents? You'd think being orphaned so young she'd choose to use variations of their names, at least for a middle name? Using your son's name as both a first and middle name is slightly unusual in these circumstances it seems. Regardless, what a lot of grief your family has endured, I'm so sorry you've lost a sibling, an in law and your son, I can't imagine the grief 😞

That's fine, you can disagree. It doesn't make you right. Its not the OPs name, the cousin is entitled to use it and has, the op has said love the name, shes replied thanks. Nothing more to be said...

The astounding lack of emotional intelligence continues on this thread.

the cousin is entitled to use it

Entitled to use it! What an attitude.

In these sorts of circumstance, the normal and thoughtful and kind thing to do is run it past the closest loved ones of the person who has died to make sure it is okay with them or not.

But of course, if you want to potentially hurt people and cause them pain every time they see you and your child for the rest of his life, then you just barrel ahead as you are entitled to.

I think this cousin is thoughtless at best. But it really isn't the done thing.

But of course, if you want to potentially hurt people and cause them pain every time they see you and your child for the rest of his life, then you just barrel ahead as you are entitled to.
.........

The op's niece does not live in the same country so she will not be seeing the child.

Pedantic.

Seeing, hearing about, reading about on social media...

Life goes on. At some point, the boy will grow up and maybe OP will be invited to his wedding.

The point remains, it can be painful to hear your deceased child's name.

I haven't read the full thread OP, only your posts. I'm very sorry for your loss. I take it by what you have said regarding the candle ceremony that she thinks highly of your son and so has named her son the name. It is strange she didn't specifically say anything to you or your DH, but maybe she felt awkward about it or after it was done thought she should have said something first or was worried you might not approve. It could be anything or nothing, but take it for the good that I'm sure was intended.

OP, I think it’s highly likely this was a deliberate decision to honour your son actually from the further context you gave. I think we can underestimate the bonds we make as children and young adults, particularly among first cousins (I know I still see mine like siblings basically because of the bonds we shared as children even though they now live as far away as Australia some of them and so we are technically now only Facebook friends really).

I hope getting the situation out and responses have been useful for you, sometime you need to just tell people to assess your reaction.

Its great you have decided to see it as an honor, but if you have a wobble that would be completely reasonble as well :)

With this information I agree with @whackamole666 that your niece chose at least the first name to honour her cousin, and didn’t know how to tell you.

I am very sorry for the early death of your DS. I think keeping his name alive is a lovely tribute. I hope it doesn’t cause you pain.

Are you the sort of poster who hangs about trying to be the first to say something on a thread that is a bit reactionary? Is something lacking in your life?

I absolutely love hearing the names of those I love who died too young. People can differ but IME this is pretty typical. It is other people who are afraid memories will bring pain. But the pain is constant. It is a pleasure when others acknowledge our beloved dead.

Yes, some responses are amazingly insensitive. I am also surprised that the OPs neice would use this name with no acknowledgement which also seems really insensitive. Very sorry for your loss OP.

Please don't offer anyone any advice in real life until you go and find some empathy. Seriously.

That poster posts incessantly. All inflammatory.