My niece has used my son's name

[guestofclanmackenzie]

My niece has just had a baby. She lives in America so we only keep in touch very sporadically via social media.
She has announced the baby's name and I was surprised that both first and middle names are the same name as my son.
However, my son died five years ago at age 20.

They weren't particularly close cousins, but what I find extremely strange is not a word has been said to me or my DH about using his name. Not that I would expect her to ask permission, but to acknowledge it somehow.
Both my DH and I have messaged her separately on different social media platforms to say congratulations and BTW we love his name! Very little has been said back other than "thanks"
A couple of my son's friends have had babies and used my son's christian name for two of their babies as a middle name. They actually told me beforehand and asked how I would feel. I told them we're delighted by it. This is how I would feel if my niece had told us either before or after she gave birth.

But now, we're left awkwardly wondering whether something meaningful has happened in the naming of their baby; they loved the name and as a bonus, it's a nod to our son, or was it just a coincidence?

Seeing as this cousin lit a candle for the deceased OP’s son during her wedding ceremony and grew up with him during childhood

very weird that people seem to think you just forget the names of deceased relatives

You weren’t at the wedding… she was in the US?

I am not being insensitive but on the basis of what the OP has outlined…. They haven’t had a relationship beyond social media and it’s quite possible that sadly the niece forgot.

OP i am in agreement with you. So much thought and planning and discussion goes into naming a baby. I find it strange that at no point did it occur to your niece that as well as it being lovely to name her baby after her cousin, it would also be lovely to drop his Mum a note to let her know. Its not an obligation, but just a thoughtful and kind act towards a Mum who suffered the loss of her child.

I would probably decide that she did indeed consider doing this but for whatever reason it didnt happen. Maybe she was afraid youwould be upset and isnt great with such conversations, maybe the decision was made very late on and she hasnt had time.

In any case, your feelings are bang on but focus on the lasting legacy your boy obviously left.

My instinct is to give people who otherwise have given me no reason to believe they are insensitive twats…. The benefit of the doubt

I'm sorry about your son, OP. But was it quite a common name or unique to him?

I have two cousins with the same name and an uncle and another cousin, and a close male friend of the family. One cousin died at a young age. A cousin's son is named after my grandfather who died some time ago. My daughter has the same name as my aunt. None were named specifically after the other.

Based on this it sounds like his death deeply affected her and she may just struggle to communicate those feelings to someone she doesn’t talk to much when she knows you obviously must feel so much more strongly about your son. There is obviously no way it’s a coincidence so I’d take it for the gesture of remembrance for someone she cared deeply about as well and leave it as that.

Read the room. Your tone is insensitive. The niece in all likelihood has not forgotten she had a cousin with the same name as her baby, who passed. And thats all that matters.

You cannot possibly determine the OPs extended family dynamic from her posts and be able to claim she only had a “social media relationship “ with her niece. Ironically, you are missing the point of the post, which is about a possible lack of consideration.

Definitely deliberate then. I’d guess she’s thinking about her feelings about her cousin and it simply hasn’t dawned on her to consider your feelings about it. Very thoughtless of her. This must be quite a shock to you. Really poor of her not to have contacted you beforehand.

I hope in time you can learn to view it as a nice thing that your son is being remembered by family on the other side of the world. This baby will grow up knowing where his name came from, and I’m sure will ask questions about your son.

My eldest’s middle name is after someone who died too young from my side of the family. My mum has the same middle name for the same reason. I never met the relative, she died over a hundred years ago now, but we still remember her and talk about her and keep her memory alive for longer because she didn’t get the years of life she should have had. Perhaps your great nephew will be talking about your son long after everyone who knew him is gone.

They should have checked with you though. That I really can’t get my head around.

My oldest son named his son after his brother, who died just before his son was born. He asked me if I was happy with that. I said it was fine, if it made him happy, but I was a little worried about it, and at first, had to keep reminding myself that this was a different baby, as he is very like his namesake. It also worries me, because my mother had a father, brother, son and nephew, with the same name, and as she got into her 80s, would get very confused in conversations as to which one she was talking about, as she was prone to relate memories of her past. I hope I can keep my memories in order as I reach my 80s! Although if my memory goes, that will probably be the least if my worries!

Could it be that she thinks that using both his names if so obviously to honour your son that it doesn’t need saying? Not in a horrible entitled sort of way just a ‘what else could it be’ sort of way? She just hasn’t considered how it would feel to you and your husband as his parents, properly?

I am sorry for your loss OP. However, isn’t it entirely possible that your niece doesn’t know or remember what your son‘s middle name was? For the first name, it kind of depends on what it is – if it’s a very unusual name then on the face of it it seems strange and rather insensitive for her to use it. However, a more common name may actually be an important family name for her husband and used on that basis. I very much doubt that she had any malicious intent in calling him by your son‘s name.

The wedding was a month after her son´s death. I guess she was in the middle of grief, and not in the mood for weddings.

I really don’t think you forget the name of your first cousin that you grew up with. I don’t understand all of the people saying that she has just not made the connection!

Utterly bizarre of her to do without telling you but maybe she has something like social anxiety or some communication / relationship issues. If she lit a candle during the wedding I imagine he is named after him.

What’s weird is a family member has given her child the exact first and middle names as the OP’s son who sadly passed away 5 years ago. Her son’s friends gave their children his names as middle names. But they contacted the OP to ask how she felt about it. Which is the correct thing to do.

It does seem a bit odd to do it and not mention it but than said does she even know his middle name? I don’t have any nieces or nephews from my siblings (I’m the only one with dc) and just asked dh, he doesn’t know the middle names of any of his nieces and nephews.

In that case it sounds like a very lovely decision she has made to honour his memory. I don’t think she needs any further discussion with you, beyond thanking you for saying you liked the name. Why does everything have to be so performative these days? Is that just a consequence of what SM has done to us?

They were very close when younger, she is grieving in her own way, just as you are. Obviously, yours will be a different and more personal form of grief, but I don’t think either of you ‘owes’ the other anything, other than recognition that this is a lovely way keep your son’s memory alive - as was the candle that she lit during her marriage ceremony.

I wish you all well. x

You are being insensitive though . They were close as cousins and young adults - how would she suddenly forget his name? And its his first and middle name too, can't be that much of a coincidence that she named her baby on a whim.

Also, the niece's wedding was one month after his passing so I doubt OP and her husband were up for travelling (assuming it was in the US) and for much joyous times so soon after such a big loss?

@guestofclanmackenzie I'm so, so sorry for your and your husband's loss. And even though I sometimes see posts about others "stealing names" and I think they're being too precious, your situation is completely different and I would feel exactly like you - completely at a loss as to why you weren't given a heads up or told beforehand! Using his first name as a middle name is a lovely gesture by his friends - but using his first AND middle names as their baby's first and middle name without informing you both is extremely odd and upsetting.

I think @whackamole666 has hit the nail (mole) on the head. She is probably oblivious to what would’ve been the nice thing to do. That would’ve been to contact you to let you know she was using your son’s names. She may have just liked them without feeling any reference to your son. But she knew him and had she had any awareness would have known those names were meaningful to you especially as you lost him when he was so young. To not acknowledge that was pretty cold, had any of that occurred to her. Give her the same amount of thought she gave you

OP doesn't own the name. There is no need to contact them. They are clearly not close with the OP and dont even live in the same country. Maybe she's honouring her cousin in her own way and she doesn't have to explain that considering they are not close.

Lovely post 🤗

I think it’s weird to use both names as well. Maybe use as middle names, or variants of, such as Ellis instead of Elliott, or even reverse the names , but to use both names is a tad unusual.

Although they don’t have to have your permission, it would have been polite to mention to you beforehand.

I had a name I really liked. Then I discovered a neighbours son, who had the same name,, died at the age of eleven. Out of respect, I didn’t use that name.

Given the background, I would say she named her child after your son, wanting to honour him herself and perhaps thinking that the distance now meant minimal effect on you in practical terms. It's not the most empathetic approach but the intention was likely benign.

You’re navigating love, grief, and ambiguity, all at once. It’s okay to want recognition. It’s also okay to protect your peace. The most powerful thing you can do is handle this in a way that honors your values, your son’s memory, and your own emotional health.

Ask yourself Would knowing her reason actually change how I feel?
If yes, reach out again.
If no, maybe you can choose to let it rest.

Honor Your Son on Your Own Terms

Regardless of her answer, you can continue honoring your son’s memory in ways that bring you peace:
Talk about him with loved ones
Share stories online or in a journal
Light a candle or create a tradition on his birthday
Make a donation in his name

This is so rude and insensitive