To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

Her house, her rules.

The onus is on you to move out if you don’t like the current situation.

If you would struggle to live alone, refer yourself to adult social work for a care assessment.

It sounds difficult; Would the children at least stick to a rule that, if you are in your room with the door shut they must not disturb you?

They do actually do that. They're generally very good kids. I think the problem is that the house isn't very big and their rooms are right next to mine so I can hear everything and DGD (10) gets sent to her room a lot when she is having a tantrum which happens very frequently and can last for hours.

I would love to move out. It just isnt possible right now with my current mental health situation.

Your mum is right, her house, her rules. If you want to dictate then you need your own home.

Then you have to accept that this is her house and her choice.

I'm not sure how you can put your mental health first, when in the nicest possible way, you don't really hold any of the cards. It's your mums house, if she says no and you can't move elsewhere, that's that isn't it?

Noise cancelling headphones might help?

They can’t not come to their DGM’s house because their adult aunt struggles. Her house, her rules, as someone else said. What’s your long-term plans?

Noise-cancelling earphones is a good suggestion for now.

What help are you currently getting/have tried for your agoraphobia?

really sorry you are struggling but you are a grown up and you are living in someone else's home. You cannot dictate who visits.

What help are you getting and what are you doing actively to get better? Is moving out into your own place an option?

Surely some peace and quiet will give massive improvement to your mental health?

What support are you getting currently, are you on any kind of plan to get you out of the house at the moment?

That.

I sympathise with you but it is your mother's home and she obviously likes having the grandchildren around.

You need some help.

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with your mental health, that must be very difficult. I hope your getting the support and medication you need.

But kindly, you are a grown adult and your mum is free to have her grandchildren or anyone else for that matter over to her house. Your mums made it clear that it's her house, her rules, and be to be honest you've put her in a really difficult position. You are not a child any longer. Maybe you would prefer to live alone, why is that not possible? You need to put your mental health first in doing everything you can to get your own place I guess.

I would despair if I had a 30 something year old child living at home trying to dictate who came into my house.

I agree with everyone else, I’m afraid - your mum is letting you live with her long beyond the time she might have expected that you would have moved out allowing both of you to live independently of each other. However, you have not been able to do that and therefore, you have at least to let her live in her own home as she chooses to.

What steps are you taking to tackle your mental health issues so that you can move towards living independently?

This.

You can’t dictate guests in someone else’s home as an adult. It’s move out or shut up.

Can I say, OP, that it sounds like your mum has a lot on her plate with her three adult daughters living under her roof. Complaining to her about the children, who clearly bring her joy, is only making her life harder.

You can help by making a choice not to complain.

I also just noticed your title: “putting my mental health first”. That sounds entitled to me, because the implication is that it should be your choice to decide if the children spend time in your mum’s house or not. And obviously, it’s up to your mum only.

You can, however, decide to move out.

I don't know if this makes a difference, probably not. But I pay half of the rent and I pay towards housekeeping. I'm not out here just living for free.

You do need to put your mental health first, but you need to do that by getting all the help you can. You haven't left the house in years OP, and that is not ok, that is not a life.

You can't expect your mum to tip toe around your MH issues forever, you've been an adult for a long time and living at her house for years and years if not your whole life. Is she supposed to wait indefinitely for you to deal with your issues before she can have the children? That is unfair, and as things are currently going they could be grown up before it happens.

You need to get help OP, you need meds for anxiety if you're not already on then and you need help with your agoraphobia. You deserve a life and you mum deserves a life too.
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You are essentially asking her to choose between her daughter and her grandchildren. I am not sure that is fair?

I guess maybe I wrote it wrong. I don't want her to stop having them at all. I love them all and have a really good relationship with them. I was just looking for her to maybe cut it down a little until I'm feeling more stable. I help her out a lot with them since she is in her 60s and both of my sisters work full time.

It's not your current mental health situation though OP, you say it like it's just a recent thing she's not supporting you with. You haven't left the house in years and years. You need to concentrate on yourself and get the help you desperately need.