To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

Your poor mum.

If you read my comments you will see that I'm not insisting that I live at home. I want to move out. I do help with whatever I can help with. I'm not living rent-free with no responsibilities.

I really don't want them to. I just wanted a little break so I could breathe again.

Some days I can do the basics shower, cook, tidy up. Some days I can't do any of them which is fine when the children aren't here. But when the children are here and I'm forcing myself to do the tasks they need me to do to take care of them, it causes burnout. I don't really have any recovery time which is what I was asking for.

Your mother is still prioritising a woman who isn't her daughter and 5 children who aren't her grandchildren over her own daughters, again. I really hope you find a way forward. I couldn't live like that. It sounds very difficult.

I get therapy but with the nhs its only on six week blocks and I can't afford to go private. I'm on meds for generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression.

I said that once in anger and it did not go over very well so I have never said anything like that again. I just wanted a little break not for her to stop having them all together.

Thank you for being so kind to me and giving helpful advice. I appreciate it.

You have said you're not disabled! Why are you getting burnt out at doing day to day tasks, recovery time, recover from what!??!

The more you write the more fucked up this situation sounds OP. Your mum didn’t prioritise you as a child and she won’t now. And the kids being around is a constant reminder.

If you keep doing what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve always got. Your mum won’t change so you have to decide the best route for you. So I would drop the “oh I feel guilty if I put on headphones/don’t help” etc. she makes her choices, you make yours. Decide what the best route for you is from the things you can control and stride towards it. I suspect if you can find a way to living independently feel a lot better for it.

As an aide whoever is having all these kids needs to stop having more if they can’t cope to this extent.

I don’t think that’s fair to be honest. You’ve been living there for 10 years now, at some point your mum is allowed to decide who she wants in her own home.

Reach out to your local council, get yourself on the list for your own property. Once the actual move is done, in one day, you never have to face this again.

Seriously?

Could your mam go to their house to babysit sometimes? It seems crazy to have someone else’s kids so often away from their home. Especially the baby? Babies need their mammies. Is the mother not able to? If so do you think might need to speak to SS as it almost sounds like fostering/ respite care.

I don't think you're being harsh, I heard way worse. I plan on moving out when I can get myself to place where I'm not terrified of everything. I know it probably isn't enough, but I am trying my best to get better. I have therapy and I take my meds and I try every day to go outside. Sometimes I only get as far as the back door but sometimes I can stand on the step for a minute or two. I've even managed a few minutes outside a couple of times in the past year. I don't want to be this way and I'm really not choosing this life. I hate being a burden and I wish every day that I was normal.

They are in their house when we have them. I have tried to talk to her about how much she has them especially the younger ones. But I really don't have a say in any of it and I feel like from this thread, I've learned that I shouldn't be saying anything about the children or the situation as its not my place.

Hi OP - this living situation sounds very tough for you. I wonder if your anxiety is becoming more heightened because summer holidays are starting, meaning the grandkids will be at your home for longer hours and home will be more chaotic as a result?

You are not unreasonable to want to put your health first, perhaps take some time to consider what the future could like you for you, and what steps you need to take to get there.

I haven't been living with her for ten years. It's been around six years. She has all the say. I explained that I asked and she said no. I won't ask again. I'm working on moving out.

So what steps are you taking to get better?

I have GAD, panic disorder, depression, Ptsd and agorophobia. I find everyday tasks exhausting and hard to manage when those things are at an all-time high I have good days and I have bad days but recently the bad days are outweighing the good days by alot.

@LoserMonA I agree wholly with @MrBallenIsaFittie. Your mum certainly does seem to have form for prioritising others ahead of you. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request you make considering it’s your primary home and you contribute towards half the costs. It’s not like you’re asking her to forever not look after the kids again. If you were my child, I would be supporting your recovery given the challenging mental health issues you have. I’d also be ensuring that you were taking steps to get better as I’d want the best for you. However, I don’t see this getting any better so as others have said please do contact Social Services just to see what’s available.

I hope you’re able to navigate through this and start enjoying life again. I remember literally all my 20s and 30s feeling trapped indoors as I had such low self esteem bought on by alopecia and literally just never left the house. Looking back, I feel quite sad that when I lived at my moms in my 20s, she would take my rent but also call me names for my ‘chosen’ way of living rather than being more supportive. I had a mentally ill violent brother at home who Social Services secured a flat for but he wouldn’t leave and despite him attacking my parents also, they refused to turn him out so eventually for my own safety I was forced out my little box room but by then (late 20s), Id saved enough deposit for my first house as I’d been working FT since leaving uni and had a car also so off I went. However, the pain of feeling trapped and psychologically unable to face leaving the house other than work has stayed with me despite doing much better now. It’s easy for PP to snap at you and go on and on about it being your mom’s house and that’s all there is to it. It’s not that black and white - if you’ve lived it, you get it hence my empathy for you. Good luck!

I'm having therapy and I'm on meds. I try every day to go outside.

Noise cancelling headphones may help you?

They are in their house when we have them.

Are the children in your house or their own when your mother is looking after them? Above post is confusing

OP, PLEASE see if you can have a chat with your GP. You sound just like me, and the daily burnout you describe after basic tasks, the GAD, the depression, the agoraphobia, the noise/activity sensitivity... while depression itself can cause these things, the fact you're on all medication which hasn't has any effect makes me wonder... is it possible you have ADHD, or c-ptsd?

This could be the catalyst to help you move forward with your life. I know you say you plan on moving out etc but your language seems vague and I would hazard a guess that unless you are physically forced to it won't happen.
You're still in your 30s, please don't waste your life. I'm in my 30s and think this is heartbreaking. This sounds harsh but a woman I met at a baby group with my youngest DS who developed the same condition in lockdown and physically forced herself out of the house after being houseboud a couple of years for her kids. It was fucking terrifying for her but she did it for her kids and she's living a normal life now. Don't let life pass you by.

This could be the catalyst to help you move forward with your life. I know you say you plan on moving out etc but your language seems vague and I would hazard a guess that unless you are physically forced to it won't happen.
You're still in your 30s, please don't waste your life. I'm in my 30s and think this is heartbreaking. This sounds harsh but a woman I met at a baby group with my youngest DS who developed the same condition in lockdown and physically forced herself out of the house after being houseboud a couple of years for her kids. It was fucking terrifying for her but she did it for her kids and she's living a normal life now. Don't let life pass you by.