To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

This is spot on. You aren't entitled, just in a shit situation.

Sorry. I missed that.

It wasn't the parent of the grandchildren, no. I moved out because it was unsafe for me and my younger sister to live at home while another family member was living there. My mother got a choice between us and him. She chose him. My sister want to her fathers (for around a year) and I moved in with other various family members (grandparents, half brother, cousin) my sister eventually went back home but I didn't because I was bitter that I had to leave in the first place. I got my own place at 17.

Yes my childhood is the reason for my poor mental health health. I went through a court case with the same family member that my mother chose over me when I was 21 for something that happened when I was a child and lasted for five years, at the same time I was in a physically abusive relationship with someone 10years older than me. When I finally left that relationship, my mother told me to move back home so she could help me with my mental health and so she wasn't struggling financially.

You do realise though that you are never going to get better in your mama house. It’s not really in your mams interest for you to get better . You provide on tab childcare and finances that she will not want to loose.

Agoraphobia is a way of trying to be in control when you feel completely out of control. I cannot see you getting better in that house hold . I really wish you well. You sound so kind and switched on.

I think this too. And there is still so much out of your control that it’s really hard for you. Op, let’s look at what is in your control. one thing that is in your control is to pay a bit less to your mum, tell her the living situation is hard on you, you need to try harder to save for support, and you will now be paying x instead of y, and she will have to ask your sisters for more or manage. Then the other thing you can do is less for the kids- I know that’s also hard in your situation so perhaps if you take a different tab, think of things you like /want to do for yourself, and you have to do two of those each day before doing anything for the kids?

It might also be helpful to apply for social housing, OP. It sounds as though your housing situation may be having an adverse effect on your mental health.

In some council areas (mine is one of them) it's often easier to get a one-bed place than it is for a family to get a home, because there is less demand and it's only people who are vulnerable that are eligible.

You can apply online with most councils.

I think she's much better now than she was when I was a child. She is trying her best to be a better parent, just to someone else's kids. I think she feels a lot of guilt over mine and my sisters childhoods and this is her “do-over”. It just sucks that I feel exactly the same way as I did back then; I feel like she's prioritising other people over me, again. But, I guess that is selfish because I'm an now adult and they are literal children.

We have always helped with money so until now I didn't know anything was wrong with the financial side of things. I help with the children because they don't deserve to be neglected. I try and make things better for them as I'm not ignorant to how this arrangement is affecting them. They are also not a priority to their parents and I know first-hand how damaging that is. I do my best to let them know that they will always be a priority to me but it's difficult because I know it’s not my attention that they want. Also, I never wanted children. I knew I wouldn't be able to give them a good life with all of my issues. I do feel as though parenting was thrust upon me and now I'm just doing the best I can, but things have gotten too much for me and I just needed a break.

After reading everyone's advice and seeing things from an outside perspective, I don't think a break will cut it anymore. I realise now that I have to leave the whole situation if I'm ever going to get to a place where I can actually live my life instead of just surviving.

After reading everyone's advice and seeing things from an outside perspective, I don't think a break will cut it anymore. I realise now that I have to leave the whole situation if I'm ever going to get to a place where I can actually live my life instead of just surviving.

I think this would be very wise, OP. I also think that some counselling or therapy would help you to unpack this whole history and make some sense of it.

I hope you are able to get whatever help you need.

I just wanted to add that there will be many people (some maybe even contributing to this post) who are living a good life. They may have once been neck deep in serious mental health conditions and probably thought they were never going to get stronger . You sound so emotionally intelligent that I don’t think your obstacle is a good therapist (although I’m not saying one couldn’t help). In my opinion your obstacle is your household, your family dynamic and you having to pick up the pieces of a problem that you were a victim of yet you feel responsible for.

You may need to talk to another GP, but TT is not designed for severe and enduring MH problems. I would guess they are sending you there because your local CMHT is overwhelmed. But giving you a subclinical dose of treatment is not going to be helpful and TT will not be able to give you what you need. If you have done TT several times, and the GP insists on sending you back again, you could ask the TT therapist to refer you to secondary care. But really, the GP should be on this. 9 years of not going out deserves serious attention.

OP, you sound amazing.
But you do need to put yourself first.

Is there a MIND where you live? They could help you with getting out and about in a slow way that works for you.

If you need some help in how to word things with your mum, then look up DEAR MAN. It is a DBT skill.