To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

We don't all rely on her. Me and my two sisters help her out just as much as she helps us. We help her financially, with childcare and with everyday tasks. My sisters help way more than I do physically but I do my best financially because I can't do much of the physical stuff.

Do you understand what agoraphobia is?

Your mum is unreasonable in making decisions unilaterally that affect you all in the house especially as she relies on you and your sisters financially to run her household. You are also indirectly paying towards the children being there so much of the time, because their parents don't cover their costs.

Do these children go to school so you get some respite?

You really need to try and get all the help you can to get better and eventually to move out. It's not fair on you that your mother persuaded you to move in because she needed the financial contribution and now she's making decisions unilaterally that affect you also.

There is clearly a lot to unpack here, including dysfunctional family dynamics. I imagine these dynamics play a part in your agoraphobia and mental health issues.

No of course not. That's such a horrible thing to say. I would never want that. I’m thinking about her health just as much as my mental health. She is in her 60s and has health problems and I have spoken to her about it being too much for her health too. I worry about her health constantly and much more than a normal person as I have health anxiety. I want her to slow down but she doesn't want that.

If you are all fully capable then what is the reason you cannot move out OP? You clearly do need & rely on your mum, otherwise this would be a straightforward thing- move out.

Yes the three oldest go to school but we don't have then on school days, only from Friday-sunday except for school holidays where we have them more. We have the youngest two Thurs morning- Monday night.

There is way more to this situation that I didn't want to go into as it could be identifying and would cause so much trouble. I really just wanted some advice.

Agoraphobia, as stated multiple times?

You’re in a tricky position. Can you get some good noise cancelling headphones and, well, stay in your room?

Alternatively, is whatever you’re spending staying there equivalent to what you’d pay in a houseshare? Maybe you’d be better off as a lodger somewhere quiet but it’s always a gamble.

And finally, if you don’t mind a bit of conflict: say you want to readjust what you pay, why is the rent being split in half when there’s more people living there? You do pay rent so it’s reasonable to have some say.

I can't do much physically. I struggle heavily with everyday things. I do as much as I can but some days that is very little or nothing at all. But I do not rely on my mother to do them for me. If I can't cook a meal, I will order something. I don't ask her to do anything for me as I know she has enough on her plate. My sister will help me if its something I really need to do and can't. I don't put any pressure on my mother.

Which is exactly my point. If OP truly was not reliant or dependent on anyone else in that house then they could just move out.

In that case then you could outsource those same tasks if you lived independently?

I do have noise cancelling headphones and I use them when I really can't cope with the noise but because of my irrational anxiety, I fear that if I use them more, I will not hear if something happens.

I don't think I could do that because that would lead to her struggling a lot which would impact the children and I would feel so bad because none of this is their fault.

Yes. But I cannot go outside and moving house usually involves that

It sounds like a very complicated fucked up family dynamic to be honest. Why did you first move out at 14 @LoserMonA ?
The parents of these children need to step up and do some parenting, unilaterally deciding they can't cope and palming them off on a 60 odd year old woman is quite frankly appalling.
She needs to start charging for child care which will pay for the clothes and baby wipes etc so she is less reliant on you and your sisters for her income.
Regardless of your mental health I think you would struggle living in a house with four adults and multiple children (I would!) I'm sure you would benefit immensely if you could find some sheltered housing accommodation. Can you face calling adult social services and discussing your situation with them to see what your next move might be?

I rely on her to live here but she also relies on me to live here. If I didn't live here, she would be in financial trouble.

I feel that a lot of your mental health issues including agoraphobia are down to your parents treatment of you. She sounds very difficult and controlling.

Are you getting any therapy/counselling or other support for your mental health?

Well, something’s gotta give. Have you considered telling her that you’re thinking of finding alternative accommodation as you can’t cope?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want kids being rowdy so often if this is a mutually beneficial arrangement. She needs to take your needs into consideration too.

This sounds like a very difficult situation op. If I were you I would make a plan with the goal being to move into my own place. Then I would write down the first 10 teeny tiny steps that would move me towards that goal. Then the next 10 and so on until you reach your goal, even if it takes a long time it will be ok because you will be able to see progress.
By the way you sound like a really lovely person helping out with as much as you can. I do think both you and your mother are being used. So you might want to reflect on that a bit.
Hope things improve for you; you’ve lived independently before and you can do it again.

Your mum sounds amazing. You are in your 30s, insisting that you have to live at home. Do you help in any way or is everything on your poor Mum? Have you ever thought about her mental health? I would say you are fortunate to have the opportunity to live at home. You need help so you can move on and give your Mum some space. It’s your mums home, so if she loves having the children round, then let her. Get ear plugs!

Sorry if I have missed it OP but I assume you work since you are able to contribute financially to the house ?

Why does the baby’s mum not want to be with her own baby for more than half the week? Most mums wouldn’t want to be without their baby for a day, let alone 4.

Does the whole family experience poor mental health?

Why can't you so much physically? What can you do for yourself?

OP you simply can't expect everyone in your sphere to make their lives smaller just because yours is.

Potentially the only “outside” would be to actually move to the new property. That 1 day is the easier option than trying to dictate to your mum indefinitely for the next 10 years.

Something happened where it was no longer safe for me or my younger sister to live at home. She basically had to make a choice between us and someone else and she chose them. My sister went to live with her father and I moved in with other family members. My sister went back after a little while but I didn't. I didn't move back until I was in my twenties.

I think adult social services will likely be my next move. Honestly, I didn't know they could help me as apart from my mental health, I have no disabilities.