To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

I sympathise OP, I also have agoraphobia and I think there's a lot of stigma attached to it. People don't understand the sheer terror that leaving your safe space brings and I've had many people including medical professionals accuse me of just being lazy.

It's debilitating, I myself have even pulled out my own tooth as I simply cannot leave the house. I've had many instances where calling 999 is advised but I haven't because I know I cannot go outside.

I also have the same diagnosis as you accompanied by an extremely difficult childhood, followed by some very traumatic experiences and domestic violence.

It's good that you are taking medication and engaging in therapy. I have tried lots of different styles of therapy and have recently started something called compassionate based therapy which I have found much more helpful than cognitive behavioral therapy or general councilling. I live alone which I think is detrimental, so I would honestly advise staying at home with a support network whilst that's an option to you. Being alone all day every day will not do you any favours.

Do you have any hobbies? It may sound silly but I love colouring and I pop my headphones on, stick a series or podcast on and the hours fly by. This could be helpful when your feeling overwhelmed by the noise.

I don't think you can ask your mum not to have them there but I think if you are open and honest about the impact it's having on your mental health she may be more sympathy. Sorry if you've already done this but I know from my own experiences I usually minimize my own feelings and she may not realize what an impact it's having on you .

I would also suggest asking your GP if they have a social prescriber. They can help you integrate back into the world. It wasn't suitable for me but opened up some doors for further treatment.

The current arrangements are not just impacting the OP's mental health but it must surely have a huge impact on the children as well.

No wonder the older two are throwing tantrums and being aggressive at home and school.

They are realising that their parents don't care about them. That they can't go back to school on a Monday and join in conversations about what they did with their parents over the weekend. The OP's mother is trying to support and care for them, but the children will be feeling that they are being abandoned every weekend by both parents.

So, either OP's mother takes over care of the DGC full time or the parents need to be made to engage with them most weekends. That will only happen when the OP's mother stops the current arrangement or reduces it. To do so, the OP and her sisters must stop helping their mother and financing the situation.

Only when it becomes too much to handle five grandchildren by herself every weekend and she can't afford it, will the OP's mother rethink the arrangements.

So OP, you must start the process now by saying NO more often to your mother and sick with it no matter how much she tries to guilt trip you. From the sounds of it she has been doing that most of your young and adult life so much. Resulting in you accepting anything she says, even it is unfair or detrimental to your finances. The money that you need to help get through your own problems.

Well clearly calling 999 wasn't warranted, as you didn't call them and you're still here!

what an unpleasant and unfair comment

No it isn't unfair or unpleasant, it's the truth.
999 is for life threatening emergencies.
If the poster in question was that ill they needed 999 they would go. Clearly they haven't gone and yet they're still here, proof that a 999 call wasn't necessary.

Its the truth.

Whilst I understand the replies saying it’s her mums house her rules etc, it doesn’t matter how old your children are you still (in my eyes) have a duty of care to them until the day you die. That’s being a mum. It’s sad that she can’t/wont see her own daughter’s struggles and try and help her. It sounds like she moved you in for self gain (financial help)

Perhaps get in touch with adult social services and try and get yourself moved out, OP. Sounds like a rubbish situation that’s detrimental to your health.

This is heartbreaking to read on so many levels - for you, for those kids, everything.

For me there is a clue in your posts - you’re paying half rent when your sisters don’t. Actively start to change that so you can free money up for private therapy. Actually, I’d go for private psychiatrist first and then therapy.

Youd quite quickly have the funds to do so if your full time working sisters were paying their way…

ps could one of your sisters advocate for you with the GP for a referral to community mental health services? I mean this kindly but the treatment you’ve been on / are on simply isn’t working - you deserve so much more.

I'd prioritise adult social work asessment and working on moving out - supported accomodation perhaps? The current situation keeps you both stuck and she is unlikely to change it.

Why did you move out at the age of 14? Where did you go? Were there issues at home that have caused your mental health problems? Who is the person that your mum 'unofficially' adopted? Is that why you left home?

Everyone is taking your mum's side but I'm wondering if there is a lot more to this story. Your mum obviously needs her children living at home to support her financially and help with all these 'grandchildren'.

Why don't your sisters who are both working full time also contribute to the rent? I think that your mum is actually taking advantage of you, as you contribute at least 50% towards the household costs and you help with all these children.

I do think you need to work with a therapist towards living independently again.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard situation. I totally understand how exhausting the short term therapy merry go round must be. Building up a relationship over time and having someone who understands how your life came to where it is is key for progress as you correctly point out.

What stands out to me in all your posts and is something a long term therapist would certainly point out is that your mum has her own issues and is focused on doing the things she thinks are right for her (even if they are self sacrificing and generous in some ways).

Your only card is to offer to move out and mean it. You may find she respects your needs and your contribution to her house/life when you hold your own boundaries (appreciate the agorophobia and your traumas make this difficult to contemplate right now but really think about whether you will EVER be able to make progress with your MH in this living situation).

I don't think your worsening mental health is unconnected to this setup and honestly I think you are probably stronger than you will ever feel living with your mum. I'm not saying she's a 'bad person' whatever that means but she is NOT supporting you. Please seek that help wherever else you can.

If there is anywhere else you could afford to live and put the money you pay her now to private therapy, I feel sure you would see improvements.

It's not that you're not trying to help yourself but at the moment you're pouring water on yourself rather than fleeing the house on fire in my opinion. Getting out from this enmeshed situation with your mother is step number one. If moving is the only time you leave the house in the next ten years, your life would surely still be better. I can't see it getting better while you're stuck here. Take care, you're in a tough spot. X

I don't think that OP's mum sounds amazing at all. OP was only 14 when she left home. 14 year olds in a happy home don't do that.

Her mum couldn't afford to live in that house and wouldn't be able to look after all these children without the financial and practical support of her three daughters. If you had read OP's posts, you would see that she contributes more than 50% to the family finances, including rent and that she helps to care for all these unrelated children. The ones who are taking advantage are the parents of all these children, who don't work and don't pay for anything for their kids.

I think that OP should try and move out into sheltered/supported accommodation for her own well being.

Your mental health problems, particularly your agoraphobia, are disabilities that negatively impact your life just as much as other kinds of disabilities would do. You should be entitled to help.

Your mum put someone else first during your childhood that meant that you needed to leave your own home at 14. I'm surprised that you are so supportive of her, financially and practically, after she did that to you.

She has said that she doesn't think of herself as disabled. She obviously is, and it is obviously due to her mum's behaviour when OP was a child and OP had to be removed from the family home for her own safety.

There are so many ignorant posters on here, including yourself.

Giving your mum money even when you didn't live at home isn't normal. I know that you keep sticking up for your mum and saying that she's a great mum, but she really really isn't. She chose to let two of her own children leave home in their teens and she chose the person that made the family home unsafe for them. No decent mother would do that.

She is financially abusing you and using you for childcare for all these unrelated children. I know you say that you love them all and you probably do, but this situation isn't normal or healthy.

You need to speak to Adult Social Services and get support to move into sheltered housing/supported living away from your disfunctional family. You will never get better in your current home environment where everyone is more important than you.

I think the enmeshed, unhealthy dependencies in the family are probably a large part of your mental health problems, OP. You seem to be squashing down all the reactions and emotions that would be normal responses to your living situation and your past experiences. You no longer seem to have any agency over your life and the mental health problems seem like a kind of 'collapse' response to all the chaos and enmeshment. Therapy may not be helpful while you are still in that situation. It might be better to focus all your energy into getting a council flat, and then try to get some long term therapy to help you process it all. It's not your responsibility to fund your mother - she will have to find her own solutions.

Edited to add: I don't mean that you shouldn't be contributing to costs while you are living there. I just mean that how your mother will manage if you leave home is not your problem. You need to find boundaries.

It can be possible. Thinking like that won't improve your mental health

Yes no one can that but yourself

I want to say, OP, that I apologise for my earlier, harsher comments. I’ve changed my mind after reading this thread and think you’re in a really difficult situation. It sounds like you had it very rough in your early years.

i wish you all the best. I hope you can overcome your agoraphobia and can go on to have a happy, fulfilled life.

Agree with this, there’s a lot of shit parenting on display here, with the OP’s mum looking like the root of it all.

You need to work on your mental health and getting out of the house rather than worrying about others.

@Oneeyedonkey thank you for your kind and insightful comment. Empathy is free you know 🥰.

So is common sense.

@Oneeyedonkey aren't you delightful. It was recommended I call 999 based on my symptoms, your opinion on that doesn't change that that's what I was advised. Suicidal people are also advised to call 999 when in crisis but I'm sure you'll also argue that they're not worthy either.

Just because I don't agree with you and I'm calling you out, doesn't make me "delightful"

You clearly didn't need immediate medical help.