To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

You seem to be doing everything you can. Have you applied for pip? Are you getting UC?

It can take a long time to recover from agoraphobia, but taking it slowly and trying to go outside every day is a great step forward. Do you have a support worker?
Have a Google of local charities, they often provide support workers for 3 months every year for free and it's usually self referal. You can ask for help in finding you your own home and benefits you can access. They will help you apply for the correct benefits.
Job centres are supposed to offer this, and social workers, but I've found they usually give you a ten minute call then discharge you.

I'm not really sure what other posters mean when they tell you to get help. There isn't any. You're already doing everything as standard.

What should happen with your therapy is that it's extended up to 12 sessions once a year if you need it. Stress at the start that you need continued support to move you forward. The only other thing you can do is also apply for therapy through local charities.
Have a check on your GP website too. There may be more than one company offering therapy and you can refer yourself to others. If you're already on UC ask your job coach for help with access to this too. Sometimes you get someone that knows their stuff and can signpost you for help.

Good luck, you'll get there, it just takes a little time.

Your mum doesn’t seem very supportive of you and your needs OP. It doesn’t sound like a very healthy environment for you to be living in.
i really sympathise that you must feel quite trapped in your situation with not much choice or agency right now. Can your therapist offer any help and support?

Their parents don’t work & I presume you don’t work either ? How is all this funded ? Is your DM very well off?

@LoserMonA If you’re paying half the rent and half the housekeeping, how much are your sisters paying?

If there’s four adults in the house, surely you should only be paying a quarter?

I always self refer myself to talking therapies. The things I struggle with is that I have lot of things that happened in my childhood that has contributed to the way I am now and my mental health. It takes me a while to open up and talk about it so it feels like as soon as I do and start trusting the person, the sessions are over. It is tiring and emotionally brutal to have to go over it every time I get a new therapist. I really want to work on saving up so I can afford to go private as I think that's what will help me the most.

I do get pip and UC so financially, I am doing okay but I do help out a lot at home with money. I didn't know there was any other help out there for me. Last year I had a woman who would come to the house and speak with me and helped me make a plan for going outside but then she just stopped coming. Not a lot of people know abouty situation apart from family and close friends so I've never had any outside advice or been told what help is available.

I really appreciate your comment and I will follow your advice.

You say that you moved in with your mum 6 years ago to help your mental health. From what you’ve said it sounds like this hasn’t been very effective. Your mother isn’t putting you and your mental health first. In fact she’s taken on the care of several children which is actively making things much harder for you. Although the intentions behind the move were good, these things don’t always work out in reality.

I would suggest you have a serious conversation with your mum so she understands that the situation is unbearable for you and you’ll be doing everything you can to find your own place. That way she is prepared for the loss of your rent and can work out what to do about that. She has other options such as asking your sisters for rent and stopping paying for the care of her adopted grandchildren. You’re not obligated to continue financing her, you’re not responsible for her.

Considering you’re paying half the rent I absolutely think you should get a say in having lots of children over every single weekend. However that’s a bare minimum and most people would consider the impact of that kind of choice on cohabitants regardless of how rent is shared. It comes across like she is using you for your financial contribution but not treating you with respect as an equal adult.

I don't work. My mother does okay financially and we help out with money. Both of my sisters work full time.

Considering you’re paying half the rent I absolutely think you should get a say in having lots of children over every single weekend. However that’s a bare minimum and most people would consider the impact of that kind of choice on cohabitants regardless of how rent is shared. It comes across like she is using you for your financial contribution but not treating you with respect as an equal adult.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress Good point. If the OP is paying half the rent and bills, she really should have a say about all this babysitting.

But neither parents of the 5 children your mother is practically looking after full time work? Why do they need so much childcare ?

I don't know what my sisters pay. I just pay what I'm supposed to. I'm doing okay financially. I have a little bit of savings as well.

It sounds like your mother can't take care of the children by herself anyway so stop helping her, it's not making anything better for you.
Put a lock on your door, buy some noise cancelling pods and shut yourself away from the noise when you need to.
I would also look into getting an adult social worker if possible, they can help with social housing applications.

I honestly don't really know and I've learned not to question it. My mother says it's her choice.

@LoserMonA You paying half the rent and the other 50% divided between your Mum and your two sisters is ridiculous though. You’re subsidizing your adult sisters who both work!

In your shoes, I’d say that I can’t keep paying half the rent.

Hi OP! There is a lot going on at your house. It was very nice of your Mum to support this person when they were young. Your Mum supporting them now by having 5 kids Thurs to Mon is probably stopping them going into care. The couple really need to stop having more kids and giving them to your Mum to look after all week. Your Mum is very kind hearted and loves the kids so she is doing it but it is a very big ask. I hope you are OK. Moving out of your Mum's house aged only 14 is very young. Leaving home at that age can have a big effect on people. You were still only a young child. I have read that you are agoraphobic I hope you are recieving some medical attention. Doctors should be able to zoom call you with put leaving the house. You sound really lovely drawing and doing activities with the kids when they are round. I hope you are eating well and that you have meds to help you. We often need medication to get better properly. Have you tried mindfulness and positive yoga type things. You could find videos on you tube and do them in your room. You could have a diary of things to be grateful for or dance to music for ten minutes a day in your room. Different things work well for different people. I hope you can start your recovery. Good Luck for the future. Xxxx

You may not feel like it, but all of this tells me that you've already taken huge steps!
This is really good news!

You already have coped with navigating the difficult starting point, now you need to expand on that. I'd start with a Google of local charities, support workers can be hard to find. Our local homeless charity offers them, and you probably wouldn't think of looking there!
We are with you often allow group therapy alongside individual, so ask your therapist if you can do both. You don't have to share details with group therapy, it just gives you a chance for continued support with the same organisation. These groups are often online so you don't have to leave the house. I completely hear you on the fact it's distressing to repeat your circumstances over and over again!

And do check with universal credit next time you have an appointment. They're usually delighted to help anyone in the health group by signposting other organisations that can help.

Get yourself on the council house list too, if you haven't already. Sometimes they can be really useful as liaisons.

Hi OP - just remembered something - have you asked your GP if there is a social prescribing resource in your area? This could be a new source of support for you if your GP thinks appropriate 🙂

How are you not able to afford therapy? Universal credit+PIP+the health component that youll be getting on top of your UC must come to at least £900 a month or so.

I don't know why I thought you were with 'we are with you', sorry, its not in your post!

I must have just made that up in my head 🤣
Do check if your therapy offers group as well though, for continuation of care.

Porchlight offers support workers if they're in your area.

If you’ve got savings why not pay to have private treatment?
1 pay for treatment & get better
2 Get a job
3 move out
surly you can’t be happy ?

Why did the parents of 5 children keep having more if they can’t cope with the behaviour of the 10 yr old. Why do they not work? I can’t believe the government just let people sit at home all day! I’d be cross if I was one of your sisters who are working yet financially supporting others who aren’t ?

OP you sound like you’ve had such a hard time and TBH, your mum doesn’t sound so nice.

she chose someone else (I assume a partner) who was a danger to her children meaning you had to leave home at 14?
I bet there’s more to this for all your childhood that’s lead to such severe MH issues.

It’s admirable that your mum is looking after all these DC, but their home sound chaotic and quite frankly I’m wondering if your mum has co-dependency issues?

I’ve no advice really, it is her house. But just wanted to point out that if I’m reading between the lines correctly, your mum sounds awful.

Thank you so much for your kind comment. For the past 6 years I have been very supportive of my mother having the children. I really love them so much. I enjoy hanging out with them and doing things with them. They love spending time with me too. They will ask to hang out with me and I'm always more than happy to grant their request. I have them one on one and I have them all together (apart from the baby) we hang out in my room (I bought a PlayStation for them so they could game with their friends) I buy art supplies for them so they can do arts and crafts. We read books, we do puzzles and quizzes. We have movie nights with snacks. We have listening parties when a new album they like drops. They know they can ask for anything and if I can get it for them, I will. They also confide in me about everything; problems at school, problems at home, problems with each other. My room is a safe space for them too.

Things have just gotten more difficult for me over the past few months and my mental health has declined. Things have also gotten harder for them (a new baby) as you can gather they do not spend enough time with their parents. They have started playing up more, lots more fighting and lots more tantrums. That is what is affecting me. The screaming, crying, throwing things and aggression is causing my anxiety and ptsd to skyrocket. All I had asked my mother for was a little break. Right now I have two days child-free and since its now the summer holidays, I know those days will not be consistent. It is not unhead of for their parents to leave them for a week or two while they go on holiday.

I am getting therapy and I am on meds. I use a mindful app to help manage my physical symptoms of anxiety but sometimes nothing works.

Hi Op, it sounds like you are dealing with so much and it’s not surprising you feel overwhelmed! With the not going outside, would you possibly be able to go out after dark, eg in a car with someone you trust, if no one could see you? Just a thought. Also, I don’t know if the Optimum Health Clinic would be able to help you, but they do “Therapeutic Coaching”, which involves talking to the same practitioner over time, and can help you understand and change how your traumas link to physical symptoms. They do a free discovery call and have a free info pack. As I said, not sure if this is something that could help, but maybe something you could look into. Here’s a link…

https://www.theoptimumhealthclinic.com/programs/psychology

I hope you can find some peace and calm 💐

I have a little bit but not enough right now for private therapy, but that is a goal of mine as well as the othrt things. I do some online courses that in hoping will help with the job department once I'm able to work.

I don't get that much. I don't know what the health component is. I just get pip and UC. I pay rent and housekeeping.