To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

I agree with this.

To the poster saying the mum sounds amazing… have you read all the OP’s posts?

OP, it might be worth considering whether a dysfunctional family dynamic might be contributing to your MH problems. At the very least at, living with your mum certainly doesn’t seem to be helping you recover. It doesn’t sound like she has ever been particularly considerate or empathetic towards you.

It wasn't a partner, it was another family member who is linked to my PTSD. My mother hasn't always been the best but I try not to let the past cloud my judgment of who she is now. I genuinely believe she is trying to do better. I think that maybe be the catalyst to why she cares for the children so much. I didn't really want to get into to specifics about my childhood and what contributed to the way I am but I guess people need the full story to make an informed decision 😅

Im sorry you are really struggling OP.
It does sound really chaotic, do DGC sleep over as well? ?! Tbh if they are spending Thurs-Mon at yours it sounds like she's actually bringing them up not their parents, it does sound A LOT, we're not talking a visit once a week.
You say you pay 50% of the rent, are you on the tenancy agreement? because it sounds like you should be if you are contributing half.
I'm not sure if social services would be able to help house you as you clearly struggle a lot with your MH, but it's definitely worth an ask. Have you been to your GP or investigated any diagnosis such as autism for example? Are you getting support for agrophobia?
I am going to go against the grain here, having an anxious autistic 18 year old myself, I would put my DDs welfare first and do anything I could to help, that would not mean never having DGC but or would be about putting firm boundaries in place as 5 days a week is too much and I wonder if your DM is being taken advantage of and can't say no. What is the reason for 5 days of childcare for youngest 2 and 3 (overlapping) days of childcare for oldest 3, so it's 3 days of looking after 5DC plus 2 days of looking after 2DC ???
I agree about noise cancelling headphones as a short term solution, but getting support for your agrophobia would definitely help as you may then be able to leave the house and escape the choas for a short while.
I hope you get to recuperate and reset on the 2 days a week when they are not there.

@LoserMonA could you clarify whether your mother looks after the children at your home or at their house?

These parents sound like complete deadbeats offloading their children onto your family, being unable to cope with their own dc, going on holiday without the dc, and your mother is enabling their behaviour by doing all the childcare. Without your mother's enabling, they would have to start looking after their own children and the children's behaviour might even improve with greater stability.

There's nothing to say they won't be having more children, as the youngest baby is 6 months old. This situation will not improve for you. The only way is to move out.

@LoserMonA If the rent and housekeeping were equally split between the four adults, you’d have more disposable income that you could use for therapies, etc.

Something is off here. You’re trying to get better but it sounds as if you’re being used financially to support the rest of the household.

OP, the thing that strikes me most is how passive your posts sound. You just seem to be letting life happen around you in some ways - you don’t query the fact that you pay 50% of the rent even though you’re clearly being ripped off by your family; you don’t query whether you’re getting all the benefits you’re entitled to, etc.

Is this all you want for yourself, forever? And if not, how can you go about changing it?

Hi OP, read all your posts and you sound like you are doing a good job of navigating a really hard situation. Social services is definitely a good idea, but I also wonder why your therapy is only coming through a Talking Therapies service? They are primary care services meant for less severe problems - and what you are describing is anything but. Have you ever been referred to the local Community Mental Health Trust? They usually have longer term therapy (although waiting lists can be very long) so you dont keep doing the stop and start your describe. A lot of local Trusts will try to fob you off onto TT services, but if you have been through several times and are still so impaired, it is time for your GP to refer you to secondary care.

It sounds like you’re really switched on and a really positive part of the kids lives. Please credit yourself with that.
From experience pinning your hopes on weekly talking session with a therapist to get better is at best hopeful. I had to make a massive concerted effort to get better with exposure, medication, excercise, mindfulness, self taught CBT etc. so many people are waiting for that silver bullet appointment with a therapist to get better . I know you’ve got the mindfulness and medication sorted. Have you got a good CBT workbook?

Can you get a job at a large property as a live-in housekeeper or cleaner? You wouldn't need to leave the property but would be independent and have your own space.

This is definitely not what I want for myself. I really didn't know that was happening. I have never spoken to anyone outside of family about my situation. My therapists have never asked about finances. I thought what I was giving my mother was normal for me to live in her house. We have always had to pay our own way (my sisters because I didn't live at home when I was first able to get my own money) I have always helped with money even when I didn't live at home that's just what was expected of me.

Talking therapies is the only place I have been referred Toby my GP and by myself. I also had some counselling from a local charity called Someone Cares about ten years ago. They helped a little but there waiting list is very long.

The children's parents are at their own house when their children sleep at my mother's house.

How are you earning this money if you don’t leave the house?

I’m severely agoraphobic too. I only leave the house for MH appointments. So I understand how hard it is. I’m very reliant on my family, I cannot pop out for milk for example if we run out.
Are you under your local community mental health team? They would be able to coordinate therapies and provide access to a psychiatrist.
Also do you get PIP?

@LoserMonA I'm sorry if you've answered but have you tried exposure therapy to get outside again? Agoraphobia is awful, you have my sympathy.

Goady james.

Is there any social worker involved?

There is usually a central phone number where you could access early help for the children if the family situation is difficult.

Or for yourself and your mother it might be worth contacting adult social services for help.

As a first step to making change I would drop down your rent contribution to 25%. This will give you enough extra money to pay for a private therapist.

Hi OP.

From your first post, I thought you were being unreasonable to ask you mother not to look after her DGC every weekend.

However after reading all your responses I have totally changed my mind.

You haven't said who the person was that caused you to leave home, but was it your friend that your mother took in? Did your mother then spend all her energy trying to support her at the expense of her own children, especially you?

Now that child is an adult who has continued to be dysfunctional adding children to the mix?

Your mother then continues to prioritise her through her through the DGC?

Did your mother ask you to return home primarily to help with the expense of running her home and providing for the DGC rather than to support you with your mental health?

Even if I am way off the mark, you need to stop enabling your mother. If she wants to look after her DGC, she needs to do so using her own finances and not taking from you in terms of finances and emotional energy etc when you need to concentrate on your poor mental health and in trying to overcome your agoraphobia.

Your mother isn't helping you, so don't help her so much with the DGC and reduce the money you give her, unilaterally. Divide all costs including rent by 4 (the adults in the house) and give her a fourth of that amount. What is she going to do to you? Turf you out? I don't think so. She needs your money and your childcare skills. Just give her less and use the extra money you have on yourself.

As others have said, approach social services for yourself, your mother and the DGC. At least your mother should be getting outsude support with the DGC, if the parents can't be bothered to look after their own children.

Good luck OP.

You must be receiving the health element ( or LCWRA ) otherwise the job centre would be making you look for work. Monthly basic UC is £400, health element/LCWRA is another £400 and PIP will be £295 if you just recieve the lowest care component £100 for mobility lowest.

I'm glad there's someone else who understands but I'm sorry you have to go through this too. I'm not under any mental health services apart from talking therapies who I speak to once every two weeks for an hour. My gp, pip and the job centre are the only people aware of my situation. I have been asking for help all my life but they don't seem to have much to offer me. I feel like my best bet would be to go private which I'm currently trying to save for.

It’s sad you have to pay but it makes sense. Support on the nhs is so hard to get.

How much rent do you pay? You’re getting a min £900/£1200 per month in benefits, even more if you’re receiving higher rate in either of the PIP components.

There's so many people being taken advantage of/mistreated in this family set up. It's so disfunctional that I'm not surprised you're struggling.

Your mum is taking advantage of certainly you and potentially your sisters as well. Her house must be huge to accommodate so many people for more than half the week - 5 bedrooms? 6?! She can only afford that because you pay half the rent. It's possible she pays nothing if your sisters also pay towards the rent. You would be able to afford your private therapy and move towards better mental health if you had a 2 or 3 bedroom house for just her, you and your younger sister who has always been there.

Your sisters may well be taking advantage of you if they pay either no rent, a small share or, at most, a 25% share. Unless they are also paying 50% and your mum is making a huge profit. Especially as they work, they should be paying the same amount as you. If they did, you could pay for private therapy.

Your adoptive sister and her partner are taking advantage of your mum so badly. How dare they put so much childcare on her? It's ridiculous, especially as it's not necessary for them (ie they don't work) and it negatively impacts other (paying) residents of the house. And to expect your mum to pay for everything is breathtaking. That might be why she has to lean on you (and maybe your siblings) so much financially which is then stopping you helping yourself with therapy.

The 5 children are being treated badly too. They don't have a stable home and the younger two in particular shouldn't be away from their parents on a regular basis.

There's so much wrong with your situation, OP but none of it is you. You are doing your best and were not unreasonable to ask for a bit of consideration in your home (it is your home too - financially and emotionally).

Isn’t the biggest issue here that you never leave the house due to agrophobia.. could you get some help with that