To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

Actually seeing as you pay half of the rent you do have a say in what happens in the house. The needs of you and your mum are so different though, I really don't see a compromise. I feel for all of you, and I wonder if your mum is being taken advantage by having to care for so many little ones all the time. I know you can't leave the house as such, but would you be able (or afford) to have a little summer house in the garden that could be your safe space?

I have agrophobia so I can't take them out but I do have them one-on-one. They will come and play playstation with me or we will read, listen to music, do a puzzle or do arts and crafts. I spent alot of time with them together and alone. They still fight.

I think she is but that is a whole different conversation that she won't entertain and I really don't want to fight with her over it. Their parents don't work so she is not having them for childcare reasons. We don't have much space in the garden. all of the childrens outside play things are out there so that's not really an option.

My mum frequently told me "my house, my rules" and this is the case here. To be honest if l my daughter long term started telling me how the house was / wasn't going to be then lm afraid l would openly laugh. Getting on the property ladder was a struggle (moved out a city, bought a wreck etc) and keeping it has been tricky (thanks Liz Truss!). I'm assuming you arent paying market rate for rent or bills? Your mum has housed you for years and is allowed to have it the way she wants. Maybe now is the time to move out if it doesn't suit. But finding total peace and quiet isn't easy

Then its a case of "shut up and put up" unfortunately.

Not your house, not your rules.

I pay half of the rent. Like its split down the middle and I also pay housekeeping (£150pm) I pay for streaming services aswell that the whole house uses and I help towards anything else she might need financial help with. We have a generally have a good relationship. This is the only difficulty we have.

Yeah, I understand that now. I won't bother her again with it. I will just keep working to get my mental health stable and get my own place.

Her house, her rules. You need to move out if cant manage. If you can help with what your mum needs & the kids etc then you can live independently your choosing not to.

Why are the parents leaving them with DM so much?

Hi, try and focus on yourself. It is possible to overcome agoraphobia but take things gently. I read books by Claire Weeks which was really helpful for me.

I don't feel as if I can say that I'm not available to help as I fear she couldn't mange them all on her own and I would feel too guilty leaving her to do so. I feel bad about wanting to move out as I don't know how she will cope financially without my help but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm just doing everything I can to survive. I understand now it was wrong or me to ask her to pander to my mental health. I just really didn't see it as much of a big ask until now.

They can't cope with them all due to their own mental health and DGD’s (10) behaviour.

Why do you pay half the rent if your two sisters also live there and are employed?

Why does your mum pay for things for them? The parents should be paying for wipes, shoes etc surely?

So there's 4 adults living there, you pay 50% of the rent and the two with full time jobs don't pay anything?

And your poor mum is running herself ragged because you've all got "mental health"? What will you all do when she lands up in hospital?

I really am not choosing not to. I help as much as I can but I also have my sisters who help as well so the responsibility is split between 4 adults (when they are off work) I also don't feel as though I have a choice in whether I help out or not. But I promise, I struggle very much with daily tasks and just general daily living.

They do pay towards housekeeping. I don't know why it's like that. I just pay what I'm supposed to what they pay is between them and my mother.

We don't all have mental health, just me. My younger sister has always lived at home and it still saving for her own place. My older sister had some financial difficulties so she came back home last year but is also looking for her own place.

She has never asked for a penny and they have never offered as far as I know.

You said they can't look after their kids " to their own mental health and DGD’s (10) behaviour. "

That’s the parents of the children. There are 5 adults who need to rely on OP mum for one reason or another.

Have you tried noise camcelling headphones?

I read it as you meant my sisters who live with me and my mother. The children’a parents don't live with us. Their parents aren't related to us by blood. One of their parents was my close friend growing up and my mother unofficially adopted her when we were teenagers. They have a mother/daughter relationship but I don't really have a relationship with her anymore as I don't agree with a lot of her lifestyle choices.

Any of you working?

Come on OP you're on your 30's still living at home due to mental health issues, what are you actually doing to tackles these issues, or do you plan to stay in your bedroom for the rest of your life?
Yes I know I'm being harsh.

I feel sorry for the mother in all of this, will you all be happy when she drops dead???

OP, yanbu to want some peace.
It sounds relentless.
You need to focus on moving out. Perhaps a room in a house share.
I think it is unfair for your mother to believe that while you pay half of her costs, you are not entitled to some peace and quiet.

Move out asap.