To put my mental health first

[LoserMonA]

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

It's still not your home. You cannot dictate how often your mum can see her own grandchildren. This is not what 'putting your MH first' is about. If this arrangement isn't working for you, you need to move out.

Are you getting therapy? Are you actually doing anything to improve your situation?

It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever been stable. Other people can’t put their lives on hold.

Again you say it's just until you're a little more stable, but what are you doing to get more stable? When was the last time you were stable if you haven't left your room for years and years?

I'm not trying to be harsh but this is no life for anyone OP and you really need to seek help.

I can’t believe your mum looks after a six month baby for four nights a week at this age. She must be closed to having a breakdown herself with all this Childcare. Do you and any of your sisters help out at home?

ETA sorry you have answered some of this now

It makes no difference, I’m afraid. It isn’t your house and your mum is right, you can’t dictate to her who she has in her own home.
I appreciate that this isn’t ideal for you, but what have you don’t to try and improve your mental health? Have you sought support? This isn’t sustainable long term and it isn’t fair on your mum or other relatives.
The suggestion of self referring to social services from a PP is a good idea.

I haven't been living with her all my life. I originally moved out when I was 14. I didn't move back home until I was in my late 20’s and she asked me to move back home as it would benefit both of us. She needed financial help and I needed help with my mental health. I would move out tomorrow if I could.

I'm in the middle of getting therapy for my issues.

Do you have good quality noise cancelling headphones?

I empathise with your mental health but you cannot dictitate to your mum who she has and doesn't have in her own house.

You say you can't cope on your own? What support have you sought for your mental health and agrophobia?

What is also the long term plan for where you live? Your mum isn't going to be around forever and say God forbid she dropped dead tomorrow, what is your plans for where you live? Xx

It’s her house. You can’t control how she lives her life in her own home.
You need to get help with your issues and move out. In the meantime, do what you need to do to help yourself, but you can’t expect others to work around you.

No, I don't think you're being harsh. I know my life isnt great and that makes it not great for the people around me. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life and I have had years where I have been stable and I have lived on my own. Like I said in my original post, my mother has been having her grandchildren on the same schedule for 9 years. This is the first time I have had difficulties with it.

You need to move out OP. It’s not your house, and not up to you who visits.

Unfortunately you don’t really get a say, you can move out to accept this is what your mum wants to do in her own house. There’s not any other option.

No, I would never do that. I love the kids and I love spending time with them. I'm just struggling right now.

I have talked to her about this as well because I worry about her health too. She has authritis and COPD but she says she is fine and enjoys having them so I just keep quiet about it now. I really don't like to cause problems and I help with whatever she needs me to do.

I wonder how long she will be able to keep this up. It sounds exhausting to me.

What current help or support are you accessing?

Can you go back to the Dr and get back into the system again?

You could look at assisted living homes perhaps if your disabilities are this severe.

It really isnt like that. She wants us here to help financially. We all help with everything she needs and we all help with the children. We all pay rent and housekeeping.

I'm getting therapy for my anxiety, PTSD and agoraphobia. I'm also on meds.

I had empathise Op as that’s a LOT of time at your house and being agoraphobic I can see it must feel overwhelming because you can’t escape it. and it must feel upsetting for your mother not to have significant regard to what you feel causes you distress.

Importantly though it doesn’t sound like you MH issues are short term so I can see why she doesn’t want to put anything on ice. I imagine she is having the kids to facilitate parents working so not consequence free to cut down or withdraw.

Given your mum won’t budge your options are from making the best of it (but perhaps being clear you’re not available to help her out with childcare going forward), finding ways to overcome the phobia so you can escape the noise and/or working up to moving out. I quite appreciate none of those are simple but I think that is the long and short of it.

The thing is OP if you were all equally helping each other then you would be capable of living independently.

Are you on higher rates of Pip? It could be that as this is long term that you could get help either with accommodation with support or finding accommodation. Have you spoken to CAB to see who is best to advise you?

Good luck with the therapy, and the meds. Does the consultant know it isn't overly working? Have they got a plan?

You say you like them, in general. Why not take one of them out on their own with you each week for some one-to-one attention. They won't play up nearly as much if they are getting attention and there is no one to fight with. Take them to the park with a ball or frisbee and a little picnic, or to read some stories at the library, or just for a bus ride with a simple game of spotting things like a purple car and a man wearing a hat etc. Bring them home when they are tired out and ready to watch TV.

Or go out on your own for the day when they come over. Make plans to see a friend or run some errands or go for a long walk or swim or to read or journal in peace in the library or a cafe. Make sure what you plan to do is very soothing and easy so when you come home, even if they are a bit wild, you have had some restorative time alone.

I think you're being very naïve and unreasonable OP

And you're also probably putting a lot of stress on your mum

Her house, her rules.

You want your own rules then you need your own house

I just want to make it clear that I am working on being able to move out. I just know it will be a slow process. I originally moved back home because my mother asked me to. I originally moved out when I was 14 and lived on my own from 17 until my late 20s. My mother has never once asked me to move out as that would hurt her financially as not only does she have the children every weekend, she also pays for everything for them while they're here, clothes, shoes, food, baby milk, nappies, wipes etc out of her own pocket with help from us. We all help her take care of the children. I spend a lot of time with them when they're here and they love hanging out with me. I do not want her to choose between us. I had just asked if she could have them a little less while I'm struggling but I understand now that I was being selfish and my mental health is my own problem and she shouldn't have to pander to what I need. Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it.

Cinaferna, the op is agoraphobic. She does not go out.