To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Sorry but your husband seems to have dumped your kid alone for a while whilst he did something else. Judging by what you saw, your child was unattended for a long period - poo doesn’t instantly irritate the skin

OP has explained it’s her boyfriend’s dad’s house which they rent. She will have to go back to her mums.

Please tell your mum (or another family member?), after you have visited the GP. I would want to know and help, if I was her, rather than suffer in silence, despite what she might have said previously.

The saddest thing about this whole episode is his attitude when his failing has been discovered. And that really speaks to character. One might excuse a plea of Oh I'm so sorry, the poor baby, I didn't realise but he hasn't got the grace to do that. Doesn't even show any compassion towards his child.

instead

OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.”

When shown the harm he's done all he can say is it looks "a bit sore" and then without any further discussion or any attempt at apology gets changed and goes out.

That's so sad.. And at the same time, you mentioned the poor baby's cheeks being bright red and must have been crying quite hard..... He KNOWS THIS. HE IGNORED HIM... and his attitude is that the whole thing is no big deal.

He's probably thinking ... the baby is fine. We were in the same room but he doesn't realise the gutting thing is that you now can't trust him to look after the baby properly and all the implications of that... He probably can't even comprehend that. But as a pp said your 9 month old is starting to get into the active exploring toddler stage soon and that's when you have to watch them like a hawk. There is so much mischief and harm they can get into in seconds.

My DM, for one example, kept leaving boiling hot tea balanced on chair arms at toddler height whilst talking and looking in the other direction, even after I stopped him in the nick of time from putting his entire hand into really hot mug of tea and spilling it all over himself. Or not holding onto him properly in the front garden or street. I just couldn't rely on her keeping him safe, unless I was there supervising both of them.

So I understand your worry.

You need to sit him down. Tell him it was absolutely unacceptable that his child was not changed or properly fed on his watch. He obviously needs more practise at being hands on, so now everything baby is on him. All changes, all feeds, all baths, all bed times. You will be there if he has a question, but to put it frankly, it's an absolute embarrassment that a grown man was incapable of looking after his child for a few hours. Looking after a child means they are properly fed, changed and engaged with. He'll be on baby tasks until he is changing, feeding, bathing etc without you prompting. If he wants to remain married there is no other option.

@Grantoffs "I don’t even know how to talk to him about it. He just blanks or deflects or acts like I’m being dramatic. " Show him this thread OP - let him read the opinions of all us MNetters who think his neglect of his own baby is utterly vile. And then tell him to GROW THE FUCK UP - he's a father now!

If you can't stay with your parents or have anywhere else to go, you should get on the social housing register ASAP. You will be fairly high up the priority list. And yes definitely take photo evidence and go to GP tomorrow and be honest with them about what he did to your DS. Don't be pressured into playing it down.

Good call on going to your GP. Don't let him neglect your child, or get away with 50/50 if he's not willing to change a fucking nappy. I really hope you can start your uni course.

I don't know your relationship with your mum, but if she does say 'i told you so', is that unendurable? Embarrassing, annoying, sure, but (bearing in mind I don't know your mum, if so ignore this) would she leave your baby in a shitty nappy for hours?

I think we can safely say that OPs little baby, was ignored and neglected by his lazy, gaming addict father! Would you like to be sat in poo for 6 hours??

This is horrible to read, sorry you are in this situation.
Don’t feel guilty that you went out- you wouldn’t have known that he would let this happen. Even most useless fathers would have known to change a nappy when it’s soiled and fed the baby food that you prepared!! There is no excuse for this.
Get it on record when you take baby to the GP what happened.

He probably won't even care when you leave with baby, actually.

Some gamers are emotionally numb.

I’ve read your update and want to advise you to ring your baby’s health visitor tomorrow to ask for some support to move. Explain what has happened and that you feel stuck due to living situation.

Please don’t feel guilty. This was not your fault x

Mission accomplished. You won't leave him with the bairn for that long again because you can't trust him.

Don't accept it or let him off the hook. He now does every nappy and mealtime with supervision until he gets it fucking right. Yes its shit that he needs to be trained but this is a little human who depends on his caregivers.

Tomorrow he gets full care and he will learn. If he refuses then you know the score and he can fuck off

He sounds like he doesn’t care about his son at all. He didn’t even show any guilt or upset when you pointed out your poor little boy’s sore bum. That’s despicable! Hateful and cruel man!

I wouldn’t stay with him but you need to make a plan. Look into what benefits you’ll get, look into uni as a single parent, put yourself on the council housing list. Perhaps you could stay with your mum shortterm?

Your son and you deserve a lot better than being with that waste of space!

Fine if he didn't know what to give him - and the fine is barely there - but why didn't he ring and ask you want to feed him then? Dickhead. Just leave. He'll never bother with you or the baby again.

OP, don't let this useless man hold you back.

You can't build a life with someone who is still a child.

He's 22; men at that age are still children. His major relationship in life is with his games console. He can't be trusted to be a father and he probably doesn't want to be one. What 22 year old does?

Get out now and focus on you and your child. Your life will genuinely be easier as a single parent.

Contact the university, tell them your circumstances, and they will help you. There is a lot of support for single parents at university and often funding you can access. Contact the welfare department and they will be able to signpost you. Many universities have specific accommodation for students with families that will be cheaper than renting privately and they will have nursery provision that will work around your lectures. At the same time, contact the council and get yourself on the social housing list. When you go to the GP, tell them you are concerned about your son's safety due to his father's inability to care for him and you feel you need to leave because of it so that you have a record on file of what's happening to support any housing or benefit applications. Don't give up on your dream and your opportunity to create a better future for you and your son. You can leave, you will be able to get support, and you will be absolutely fine. You sound like a wonderful mother and a fantastic woman with a huge amount of strength and determination. You are doing the right thing by prioritising your child and you won't regret leaving for a second.

Sounds like he's not at all interested

This made me so sad to read. What a mess. That level of neglect reflects a complete lack of care for one’s own child. A sort of brokenness that is incomprehensible to the likes of most people. I hope he changes for your sake and your son’s, that would of course be the best outcome. But it may not be the most likely one unfortunately. I hope everything works out for you. I had my son at 19, became a single mum shortly afree and also went to uni. I’ve just graduated. Got my dream job. It’s been amazing, hard at times but so worth it.

OP would be there but HE would be the one doing childcare for once.

This is so sad to read, OP.

Please do not feel guilty for going out and assuming your OH would look after his child. It is not your fault that he was neglectful in the extreme. (I’ve been on MN decades under various names and this is one of the very few threads that has actually made me have a little cry)

Now you know you can’t trust him to meet your baby’s basic needs, you are at a crossroads: does he have the potential, with a massive bollocking, parent classes, intervention from his DF & SM or HV to feel remorse and become a decent parent, or do you need help and support to get away from him and set up by yourself?

sending un-Mumsnetty hugs to you and your baby.

He’s a selfish dick, I’d kick him out for this. If your baby was at nursery and this kept happening, you’d both be referred to social services as this is a huge sign of neglect. I’d be having a serious conversation about where this relationship is going if he’s so untrustworthy and useless.

This ….
what a knob

Great, helpful post EnidSpyton ❤️

@Grantoffs I know this is bad, BUT, he hasn’t had a good example growing up. If you stop him doing anything, he won’t learn. But, you could, gradually between now and Sept, teach him. Ok, you left stuff in the fridge. But, next time, leave an itemised list 1pm take pasta in fridge out and microwave for X minutes. Check temp
with food thermometer. Feed DS. 1.30pm check nappy and change 2pm check and change if he didn’t poo last time etc

The alternative - unacceptable in my book - is to jist do it yourself, in which case you may as well be on your own with DS.

and if need be - start by going out for an hour or two

if he won’t engage or genuinely thinks this is your job then of course there is an entirely different conversation to be had …

I am not excusing any of this - it’s not OK.

Seriously OP, I don’t have children but I am livid on your behalf! Your poor baby!
Even I know that you change a nappy straight away and ensure that the little one has proper food.

Your OH is an idiot! He basically neglected his own child.