To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

I would suggest not risking leaving him with him again. He’s neglected basic care needs and doesn’t seem to see the issue with it so he’s unlikely to improve. You don’t need to give up on starting uni. If you’re in the UK student finance do a childcare grant which can cover your son being in nursery whilst you’re at uni.

For me, this idea of weaponised incompetence is someone making a shit cup of tea or washing the dishes poorly so that they’re never asked to do it again.

What this weapon has done today is far more than WI. Even if it was a case of “if I do nothing today, she’ll never go out again”, he was willing to leave a baby hungry, sore, distressed and soiled all day in order to win.

What sort of monster does that?

This is so upsetting and disturbing to read.

Oh dear... I had similar BS with my 'sperm donor', we split up and the 'family court' determined, very much against my wishes, that DS 'had' to go to him every other weekend, he 'couldn't afford to have him' for so long, so I'd send him with a bag of food, nappies, wipes, clothes, all of it. He was too busy smoking weed and entertaining a couple of fked up19 year olds to even bathe DS one time for a whole weekend, when I went to collect him he still had something stuck in his hair from lunch 2 days previous before I'd dropped him off and between his finders was black with gunk off the carpets. DS had no nappy on either, dickhead ex said he thought I'd have brought some with me.................

YANBU. Put a stop to this right now OP, he's shown you who he is 😪

He's happy to hurt your baby to punish you for going out. I'm so sorry. You and your son deserve so much better.

In my experience people do change when they have kids, but they get worse, not better because they are so fucking knackered 😂

I’m a teacher in a special school, our students in pads (nappies) are changed at least twice during their six hour school day. If they have done a poo they are changed immediately in addition to the two scheduled changes. It’s basic care.

The frightening thing for me is if anything were to happen to you this man would be raising your baby.

I think after today he needs to be doing more - much more. Start when you are in telling him/showing him how to change/feed even play with his child - then have him doing it when you are in. Build up to the odd hour alone - like you going out while he does lunch.

Build up to leaving them for longer again when he earns back your trust.

I know as a mum it is really devastating when you have diligently changed your child and kept their skin healthy and someone leaves them to get sore but it’s usually in a busy nursery or something rather than dad.

Your husband should be sorry for his poor efforts and willing to make it up to you both. If he doesn’t care, isn’t willing to do better then what is the point of him as a dad and partner? I hope he does care.

If you can’t even have a conversation with this man, that is not a partner. He is neglecting your child that he clearly isn’t even interested in, let alone has any regard or care for.

Leave and go back to your mums. Anything is better than this. Your DS deserves better and so do you.

Some gamers get way too invested in their games that they ignore everything around them and in that moment the game is more important. Especially live games they can’t pause. They can ignore their own needs. Christ, you can even buy adult nappies specifically for gaming all night!

I’ve experienced this OP, and it doesn’t improve. It has honestly scarred me, the fact that he would ignore the needs of the crying baby beside him because fighting some goblins was far too important for him to ignore. I would move out with your precious baby, stay at your mums and crack on being a super mum role model to your child by smashing it at uni to create a better life for you both.
Wishing you all the best.

what a stupid dikhead respnse! So helpful!

Sorry hate people like that! Anyway..
He won’t change, I had one of these, if I said anything, I get told all I do is moan and in a mood. It will get worse please try and leave! It’s so hard but it’ll get worse.
He is trying to be useless so you don’t go out because you can’t trust him to do one simple thing.
I may be projecting but this is how it starts

Go to your mum's OP. And start a new life without this bastard fucker.

If a nursery did what he did they'd be reported and would end up in the Daily Mail.

Get yourself and your baby away from this man and start over.

When my son was only 10 weeks old I left him with my 17 year old and 15 year old brothers in law so MIL and I could go and buy me a present ( I love my MIL). All I said was "don't have any hot drinks around him". My teenage bils wouldn't have treated a baby like the father of yours did.

Get out.

Im so angry reading that. Get your child away from this monster.

It's a little boy which is bad enough , but imagine if it was a little girl , she'd have the mother of all UTIs , probably dehydrated and pooh in a nappy would get everywhere in her urethra .

My grand father was an utter b* to my dad but even back in the 1940s he'd not leave a baby with a dirty nappy .
Your OH is a total arse .

So this is the first time you've gone out in 9 months. Your DP is controlling, he's telling you you can't go out without your DS for the next 10 years. Is it Your house so you can kick him out.

I feel so drained. And honestly, I feel guilty now for even going out. It was supposed to be a little break just for me, nothing wild, just seeing a mate for a coffee and walking around the shops, and now I feel like I left DS with someone who just completely failed him. I can’t stop picturing his little face when I walked in.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned. We were both shocked. I wasn’t super close to my mum even before, but when I told her I was keeping the baby she basically said if I was “ruining my future” then I couldn’t live under her roof. So I packed a few things and went to stay with OH. His dad owns a few places and let us move into one of them, but we still pay rent every month. I’m 21, OH is 22.

We weren’t ready but I thought we’d manage. I really believed he’d step up when it mattered. And now I don’t even know what I’ve got myself into. I always change DS’s nappy after his nap, it’s just part of the routine. So if he napped while I was out, then OH would’ve lifted him in and out of the cot and still not changed him. That’s what makes me feel sick. There’s no way he didn’t notice. He just didn’t bother.

To the people asking what I’m going to do, I don’t even know. I can’t sleep at my mum’s, not long term. We don’t have that kind of relationship and I honestly think she’d say “I told you so.” I’ve worked so hard to try and prove I’m not a lost cause.

I’ve been looking forward to uni in September. It was the first thing I’ve had in ages that felt like it was mine. But now I’m scared to even register DS for nursery in case OH’s meant to be doing drop-offs and care and he just… doesn’t.

Right now I’m just trying to get DS settled. I’ll take him to the GP tomorrow, make sure his skin is OK and explain what happened. Might sound dramatic but I want it on record. He deserves that at the very least.

I don’t know how to move forward from this. I don’t even know how to look at OH right now without feeling angry. Or sad. Or both.

I would be fuming. Does he not care about his child? He needs to understand how serious he is. To be fair my DH can be pretty lazy with domestic stuff but he was an outstanding SAHD for our daughter and even more zealous than me with immediate nappy changes and stuff. You need to come down hard on this.

Indeed, I'd have wanted to suffocate him with the overly soiled nappy.

Your posts are so upsetting to read, what he has done is absolutely despicable.
I really came on to say please do not ever leave him to microwave food for your son,
if he can’t check a nappy he’s sure not going to check how hot the food is

Wow. This is horrendous. Does he never ever actually look after his own son? We have always been a team so knew as much as each other in terms of routines, care etc. I certainly never had to leave instructions or anything like that as if he was a babysitter!

I have to keep saying it: he simply doesn’t care.

Nothing you do or say will make him care - about you, and about your baby.

Have you signed a lease with his dad?

Your OH is not taking you seriously. He wants you to STFU and leave him alone. He probably knows he is in the wrong but he ran off out to avoid accountability.
You need to give him a shock. Tell him (again) how upset you are and that you cannot be around him for now so are going to your mum's in order to think about how to move forward.
Ultimately, he either proves to you that he is sorry and is willing to learn how to parent properly or you will need to split up.

Yes, you take him to the GP tomorrow and explain exactly how this came to be. As you say, you get this on record.

I hope (in the nicest way possible) that you don’t lose this anger and upset. You’ll need it to steer you through this.

Pure laziness and neglectful. Do you feel like you parent your dh? As it sounds like you are doing it all. If he is struggling with lack of confidence that’s one thing but you left his lunch and he gave him crisps?! So your baby was hungry and unclean hence the crying. Baby’s cry for a reason has he not worked this one out? Just read your comments about uni. I would let this situation settle and decide what you need to do. Even waiting another year and ds will be a toddler. Also a single mum at uni. My life is easier without the dad who I was also doing everything for. Maybe your dp just is immature not that that makes it ok. It sounds like you are doing a fab job op.

what was he doing while neglecting the baby ?
lazy sod