Page 10 | To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

Grantoffs · 2025-07-05T19:15:21+00:00

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc. Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him. Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time. I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed. Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄 Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful. AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2025 23:03

esem · 05/07/2025 22:11

what was he doing while neglecting the baby ?
lazy sod

RTFT

Gaming

CanelliniBeans · 05/07/2025 23:04

So he basically neglected your baby? Left him in a dirty nappy and didn’t feed him more than a banana and crisps!!!
that would be a hard stop for me. I’d leave him

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2025 23:06

@Grantoffs Please read the post from @EnidSpyton it's has lots of good advice

Good luck

Sugargliderwombat · 05/07/2025 23:08

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/07/2025 20:16

This can't be the first time you've left the baby with his father, though?

What is this instant batting some blame to op? Who cares if its the 1st or 50th time? Has nothing to do with her post.

Also, he's a lazy twat.

anotherwordforit · 05/07/2025 23:13

I would be absolutely fuming

No excuse at all

justtootiredtoday · 05/07/2025 23:14

I’m very laid back, but I’d be furious about this.

About the nappy and the shit lunch.

Your poor boy

Genuinely don’t know if I could stay with a man like that

Whynotjustengageyourbrain · 05/07/2025 23:15

You're right to lose your shit. I can't believe he fed a 9m crisps.

Ifyoulikepinacolads · 05/07/2025 23:19

This post has made me really sad. Poor little baby 😢. Your husband is a neglectful shit, what a cruel way to treat a little baby. I would struggle to forgive this behaviour

SmallCosyHouse · 05/07/2025 23:24

EnidSpyton · 05/07/2025 22:31

OP, don't let this useless man hold you back.

You can't build a life with someone who is still a child.

He's 22; men at that age are still children. His major relationship in life is with his games console. He can't be trusted to be a father and he probably doesn't want to be one. What 22 year old does?

Get out now and focus on you and your child. Your life will genuinely be easier as a single parent.

Contact the university, tell them your circumstances, and they will help you. There is a lot of support for single parents at university and often funding you can access. Contact the welfare department and they will be able to signpost you. Many universities have specific accommodation for students with families that will be cheaper than renting privately and they will have nursery provision that will work around your lectures. At the same time, contact the council and get yourself on the social housing list. When you go to the GP, tell them you are concerned about your son's safety due to his father's inability to care for him and you feel you need to leave because of it so that you have a record on file of what's happening to support any housing or benefit applications. Don't give up on your dream and your opportunity to create a better future for you and your son. You can leave, you will be able to get support, and you will be absolutely fine. You sound like a wonderful mother and a fantastic woman with a huge amount of strength and determination. You are doing the right thing by prioritising your child and you won't regret leaving for a second.

Fabulous post.

You are an incredible, highly intelligent young woman OP and a wonderful mother.

This advice from @EnidSpyton is excellent. You can start taking steps today to begin a new life for you and your beautiful son. It may feel overwhelming today, but with small manageable steps you can and will do it and you will never look back.

Get everything logged with your health visitor and GP. This is crucial in case your boyfriend attempts to seek contact with your son after you separate (highly unlikely but it could happen). This is a serious safeguarding issue and needs to be recorded ASAP. Your child is not safe in the sole care of your boyfriend and you must not leave your child alone with him.

Contact your uni as @EnidSpyton suggests. You can approach Citizens Advice or another independent advice agency for benefits and housing advice. There is lots of support out there for people in your situation. You are now a single parent and you can seek advice on this basis.

As for your own mother, ignore any nonsense she might come out with. You absolutely have not ruined your future in any way by choosing to give birth to your beautiful son. If she is mean, unkind or unhelpful to you, minimise contact with her. You do not need this kind of input in your life.

You and your son have a wonderful future OP. Break down the task you are facing (separating and becoming a single parent) into tiny manageable chunks, and as you work through them little by little, you will get there.

Your DS is lucky to have you. All the very best.

HazelCritic · 05/07/2025 23:34

Grantoffs · 05/07/2025 22:07

I feel so drained. And honestly, I feel guilty now for even going out. It was supposed to be a little break just for me, nothing wild, just seeing a mate for a coffee and walking around the shops, and now I feel like I left DS with someone who just completely failed him. I can’t stop picturing his little face when I walked in.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned. We were both shocked. I wasn’t super close to my mum even before, but when I told her I was keeping the baby she basically said if I was “ruining my future” then I couldn’t live under her roof. So I packed a few things and went to stay with OH. His dad owns a few places and let us move into one of them, but we still pay rent every month. I’m 21, OH is 22.

We weren’t ready but I thought we’d manage. I really believed he’d step up when it mattered. And now I don’t even know what I’ve got myself into. I always change DS’s nappy after his nap, it’s just part of the routine. So if he napped while I was out, then OH would’ve lifted him in and out of the cot and still not changed him. That’s what makes me feel sick. There’s no way he didn’t notice. He just didn’t bother.

To the people asking what I’m going to do, I don’t even know. I can’t sleep at my mum’s, not long term. We don’t have that kind of relationship and I honestly think she’d say “I told you so.” I’ve worked so hard to try and prove I’m not a lost cause.

I’ve been looking forward to uni in September. It was the first thing I’ve had in ages that felt like it was mine. But now I’m scared to even register DS for nursery in case OH’s meant to be doing drop-offs and care and he just… doesn’t.

Right now I’m just trying to get DS settled. I’ll take him to the GP tomorrow, make sure his skin is OK and explain what happened. Might sound dramatic but I want it on record. He deserves that at the very least.

I don’t know how to move forward from this. I don’t even know how to look at OH right now without feeling angry. Or sad. Or both.

This update has made me feel so sad. Not only ignoring his own child to mindlessly scroll on his phone (what message is that sending to the baby?!), but that he left the takeaway wrappers on the side, presumably for you to tidy away when you got home.
I am assuming you're quite young because of the uni reference, but no matter your age think about whether you want to further tie yourself together with this man. You share a child - or at least he helped make a child because at this point it sounds like you'll be doing all the parenting. Don't have another with him, or financially tie yourself up in a mortgage together, or waste precious years of your life.
Your partner sounds like they'll be more of a hindrance to your studies and a burden in the future. I wish you all the best.

ClairDeLaLune · 05/07/2025 23:34

Weaponised incompetence. So you won’t ask him to do it again. He knew exactly what he was doing, and harmed your poor son in his stupid little game. That’s abuse. What a wanker. I would seriously be rethinking this relationship.

Blueberryhoney · 05/07/2025 23:35

OP I am upset on your behalf just reading this. From what you've said, it sounds like you're already doing all the parenting on your own and it doesn't sound like much of a partnership. You left everything out for him (which you shouldn't have needed to do) and he still did nothing and has left your child upset and sore and not properly fed. Shocking.

You sound like a brilliant mum. Depending on what ends up happening you could get on the social housing list as you'd be a priority for a place fast and also it would be worth ringing your uni for advice on support on managing studying with a small child because they can often give extra help (including financial help like bursaries) to parents. Some unis even have their own nursery and parents accommodation. Good luck and I hope your partner steps up, but if he doesn't, you'll both be just fine.

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 23:37

SmallCosyHouse · 05/07/2025 23:24

Fabulous post.

You are an incredible, highly intelligent young woman OP and a wonderful mother.

This advice from @EnidSpyton is excellent. You can start taking steps today to begin a new life for you and your beautiful son. It may feel overwhelming today, but with small manageable steps you can and will do it and you will never look back.

Get everything logged with your health visitor and GP. This is crucial in case your boyfriend attempts to seek contact with your son after you separate (highly unlikely but it could happen). This is a serious safeguarding issue and needs to be recorded ASAP. Your child is not safe in the sole care of your boyfriend and you must not leave your child alone with him.

Contact your uni as @EnidSpyton suggests. You can approach Citizens Advice or another independent advice agency for benefits and housing advice. There is lots of support out there for people in your situation. You are now a single parent and you can seek advice on this basis.

As for your own mother, ignore any nonsense she might come out with. You absolutely have not ruined your future in any way by choosing to give birth to your beautiful son. If she is mean, unkind or unhelpful to you, minimise contact with her. You do not need this kind of input in your life.

You and your son have a wonderful future OP. Break down the task you are facing (separating and becoming a single parent) into tiny manageable chunks, and as you work through them little by little, you will get there.

Your DS is lucky to have you. All the very best.

Show quote history

Brilliant, supportive posts. I’m sure these will make OP feel more hopeful. She must be feeling so overwhelmed and upset right now, what a shock. She’s a great mum, that’s obvious. ❤️

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 05/07/2025 23:40

Honestly? I wouldn’t be able to let this go. Your poor baby. The fact that you literally left everything out that would be needed like you would for a babysitter and not the child’s other parent and he still fucked it up is particularly galling.

I would be concerned this is weaponised incompetence which in my experience is far worse and more difficult to deal with.

Pomegranatecarnage · 05/07/2025 23:40

I feel for you. You sound like a great Mum, and the way you write you’re obviously very intelligent. I don’t know how you can come back from this, but your baby boy is lucky to have you.

0ctavia · 05/07/2025 23:46

Grantoffs · 05/07/2025 21:01

You’re all being really helpful honestly, thank you. I feel like I’m seeing things more clearly now.

Yeah he’s into gaming, big time. Plays stupid games on his phone constantly and then if he’s not on that he’s on the PlayStation. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s all he did this afternoon while DS was just left to it. Doesn’t want to interrupt a game but somehow can ignore his own baby crying or sitting in filth. Makes me feel sick the more I think about it.

I did show him DS’s bum, he said it looked “a bit sore” and then literally went upstairs, got changed and said he was going for a run. So no proper conversation, no sorry, no “I messed up,” just off out the door. Like I was the one making a fuss. Couldn’t even face it.

And yeah, I changed DS myself. He was so upset I just couldn’t leave him in it a second longer. I wasn’t thinking straight, just wanted him clean and comforted. Looking back maybe I should’ve made him do it, but DS needed cuddles and cream and a full change of clothes. Didn’t trust OH to even do it properly tbh.

To whoever asked about PILs, he doesn’t have a mum around, his dad and stepmum brought him up. They’re alright but very old-school and hands-off. His stepmum made some comment once when DS was tiny like “well at least you’ll be good at nappies now” to me, as if obviously it’d be all on me. So no, I don’t think they see it as 50/50 parenting.

And yeah… I do worry. Like if I left him, he’d have DS for weekends or whatever and I wouldn’t be there to double check anything. What if he didn’t change him again? What if he just plonks him in front of the TV with Wotsits for dinner and ignores him?

He won’t have your child at weekends. He will have him for a few hours every weekend and have his step mum watch him. Then he will get fed up and see him less and less . When he starts dating other women he will stop altogether.

It’s a pattern, as far as I can see it’s about 50% of non resident fathers. My ex husband did exactly this and we were married for over 20 years. As soon as he was done with me, he was done with his kids.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/07/2025 23:46

I came on to suggest the same as @EnidSpyton please speak to the uni. Your life will be so much easier and less stressful without this loser in it.

Don’t think you are breaking up your family. You and DS are the family. OH is just a dickhead bystander who wants to hold you back and ruin your life.

Wishing you all the best. I know you feel defeated right now but your expectations that OH could care for baby while you went out were entirely reasonable He has chosen to show you what he really is. You and DS deserve better

HazelCritic · 05/07/2025 23:50

I just saw your most recent update and wanted to reiterate what others have said - don't feel guilty for going out and taking time for yourself. You absolutely deserve that and none of this is your fault at all. You sound like a wonderful mum and a smart woman with a really promising future ahead. There's been some really good, practical advice for what to do if you decide to go solo. X

AInightingale · 06/07/2025 00:01

He couldn't care less. Which would seriously worry me, as your little boy isn't even walking yet. A toddler left alone with an incompetent, unengaged parent is an accident waiting to happen.
My ex used to fall asleep while alone with our son. I got in from work one day to find him slumped on the sofa, sleeping while my one-year-old son was messing about with a plastic bag in the room. One of the worst things of being with such a man is that you are guilty of neglect by default, by leaving your child with such an irresponsible dickhead, and it's so completely unfair on you.
I wouldn't have any more children with this man and yes you are right to speak to the doctor/health visitor. It's neglect, he needs a rocket, and if that doesn't work, make plans to leave him, it won't get better unless he changes radically.

Keroppi · 06/07/2025 00:05

Does your uni have on site childcare? If not, could you swap to one that does? Some colleges do and they're great. Maybe part time uni?
Would he respond to you hitting the roof and showing how serious it is? 🤔
Your local sure start centre may have some parenting courses, could you demand he goes?
You could enquire about council housing and see what the waiting list is like in your area. And put yourself on it. I know it's years long most places but sometimes there's random areas that don't get bid on much

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/07/2025 00:12

That makes me so angry and sad for your dc! My own dc get diaper rash after a half hour if not changed and that makes me sad for them.
You OH was not just irresponsible, he didn't care.
He didn't check and change baby and didn't care to feed baby properly. That's neglect. He could have have called you to ask and didn't 🤬
Without all the details of your OH is like all around to properly judge I'll leave it at that.

Look after your baby and please have a think about your relationship with OH.

FateAmenableToChange · 06/07/2025 00:13

I would have got right up in his face and told him what I thought of him, selfish, negligent, neglectful and lazy. Then stood back for the reaction, because that will tell you a lot. But being kind, perhaps he just needs more practice, I would suggest to him that's the best way forward (don't allow weaponised incompetence). He needs to look after his son on his own more often now and get better at it.

But I would also be planning for a successful exit, being prepared to be independent is always wise. You might have to stay while you finish your course so you do need him to understand he cant treat his child like that. But if he carrys on with this type of nonsense your patience for it will wear very thin and you will want options.

CrackSpackle · 06/07/2025 00:16

RobinHeartella · 05/07/2025 20:19

I’d be seriously rethinking my marriage to be honest.

Me too. Does he have any personal hygiene himself? Can he hold down a job? Does he wipe his own bum properly?!

Honestly, me three. Was he gaming or watching porn? It’s one of the two.

HiCandles · 06/07/2025 00:16

Your poor baby. He just doesn't care. He can't love him.
I think I would seriously consider making a referral to children's social care, as well as seeing GP. Doing this will start to build evidence that he is a neglectful unsafe father and that might be very useful when you do leave him and contact is being arranged. You don't want any risk that he is allowed to have baby unsupervised.

Chickensky · 06/07/2025 00:21

Take your baby to the GP tomorrow as you plan to to check that they are all ok. When asked, just tell the truth what happened explain what you've said here. Dad was looking after little one for a few hours, you had pre-prepared meals, change of nappies etc and you came into the situation and dad was gaming and wasn't aware that much of his baby's discomfort. If those are the facts? Then take it from there.