To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

I wish I could be more reassuring but I can’t see how you can rely on him at all. I’d genuinely be considering deferring uni, which I know is extreme but so is what he’s done.

He's so bone idle, I doubt he'd be bothered to argue for any unsupervised access.

Do you get on with your DM OP? I would be sorting something out with her pronto. So sorry to read what happened. I agree with pps that this will be very hard if not impossible to get past. I wanted to cry for your poor little fella 😢

@BreakingBrokenuas put it in a nutshell - this is all designed to make you feel he can’t look after your boy, so you never leave him to again.
Your little boy is collateral damage in all of this.
OH has told you who he is today - you need to listen.
But, please don’t feel you can never leave your boy again, as you deserve to have some you time too - just make sure it isn’t with this waster again, but someone you can trust to look after him.

So sorry for you and your baby x your OH seems to feel he can neglect his own child to make sure he isn’t left on his own with him again, I mean to the point where he’s caused baby pain from a sore bum, upset from crying and not even fed ! Sorry but he’s a wan**r . Neglect is abuse, think carefully whether he should be in your lives and base this on your baby and your own well-being x take care

Why not? Breastfeeding?

Oh my god I would be incandescent with rage. Your poor baby, and poor you knowing you can't leave him with his own fucking dad for fear he'll be neglected.

Your husband is a piss poor little turd of a man.

As others have said weaponised incompetence. If you do a crap job you won't get asked to do it again. Is he confident around the baby? I know you think you are being helpful setting everything out for him but doing that means he doesn't need to learn and just assumes you will deal with it..it's ridiculous that he has a 9 month old and wouldn't know where to find the things to look after his child in his own house. Is he happy about you going to uni? My ex wasn't when he realised it would mean him needing to do more childcare and we split before I started the course

MIL did this once and I was raging. Sore bun for over a week after for my poor baby. I would throw thr book at DH if this happened

This is absolutely appalling , I’m so sorry for your poor baby. And for you, because I bet you feel horrible that your baby suffered this way.

Let’s call this what it is. Child neglect. He has neglected his vulnerable child’s needs for a lengthy period of time.

if this were me, I would tell him to enroll on a parenting class (there will be one local to you, either run by a local children’s centre or he needs to find one privately). I would not be living alongside him until he had done this and offered a meaningful and genuine apology for his neglect of the baby, as well as demonstrating to you his knowledge and insight of the needs of the baby- as learned in said class.

And I would expert him to leave the family home, rather than me leaving with the baby, until this happened- course completed and meaningful change and insight demonstrated.

If he refused to do this he could fuck off and keep going. Good riddance. this is itself would tell me that he doesn’t care and is not willing to try to be a decent parent.

but honestly, does he actually not know how to care for the baby or is this weaponised incompetence? If he does badly you won’t expect him to care for baby or leave him in charge of baby. It’s a tactic and it is sadly common.

I don’t agree with you leaving the baby in his care again to make him buck his ideas up. This would be risking the baby’s wellbeing by leaving them with a neglectful parent and is not appropriate.

Your update is miserable, OP.

Let me put this in plain English - your baby probably spent 95% of the time you were absent in that bouncer, hungry, soiled and wondering where his Mummy was.

Children die in these scenarios. Literally die because a feckless parent can’t be arsed to care for them.

I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, but you need to realise how serious this is. Tell someone in real life because you can’t possibly start uni and rely on this waste of space. If a nursery done this, people would tell you to call the police. This was criminal neglect today, nothing less. Don’t let that useless cunt you’re partnered to play this down at all.

There are about 50 women on this thread that would probably rip his throat out tonight.

Another consideration @Grantoffs is that if you did ever leave him, he might want shared custody and then you have zero oversight of how he is treating your child when you're not there.

I really hope you can somehow get through to him if you can sit down and have a serious chat about it.

How old is he?

@Grantoffs OMG OP, I'd be incandescent with rage if I came home to this and I'm so sorry you've discovered you have a selfish, useless man-child as the father of your child. This is what I'd do:

• Go out again, but maybe only for a couple of hours (tell SUM-C you'll be gone longer)
• Leave him a very detailed list of everything he must do for/with your DS while you're gone
• Disconnect the router box and take it with you - leave a note in its place saying "So you don't get distracted by gaming and you take care of our gorgeous son in the way you should"
• When you return (earlier than you've told SUM-C) try to come back in quietly (maybe even park up the road) so you can she what he is/is not doing for/with your DS.

Tell him this is how it's going to be until he steps up and proves he can parent at least adequately (but, preferably, well and with real care). Point out to him all the things he's learned to do in his adult life (including gaming FFS! 🙄 ) and if he can learn to do those things then he can learn to be a decent father to his helpless baby. Christ, my blood's boiling at how neglectful he's been of his own child - it's simply disgusting! 😡 Not to mention he should be as responsible as you for your baby's care and you deserve a break!

True. And hopefully. That would be the best outcome here, I imagine.

insisting he do all childcare tomorrow

Why on earth would the OP put her helpless baby through that two days running? This man has shown he shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of a child. @Grantoffs needs to protect her baby by getting him far, far away from this scumbag.

Well you have two options, you can leave now, or you can sit him down and have a very serious conversation with him about why what he did is a massive problem and give him a chance to do better.

Or I suppose a third option could be that you do all of the childcare and give up on the idea of uni for now and never leave your child in his care again, but please don’t do that.

True. And hopefully. That would be the best outcome here, I imagine.

@Grantoffs ok you’re panicking and you’re upset.

What is your next step. You’ve had some great advice here. What are you going to about this situation?

I agree with this @Grantoffs
im so sorry you and your son went through this. In my mind you have nothing to lose but to ensure that he learns every single thing. If he doesn’t like it or moans - then you split up… but sounds like you’re heading this way anyway. So you might as well kick his ass with a chance that he learns and gets something out of it and starts to enjoy.
Get really firm, not teary but quietly furious and say - this is what we are doing and you’re going to be a father and learn to look after your son or I’m going to leave you. And you do not give up - he does every nappy, makes the food, feeds, cleans up, baths. Definitely show him this thread. Horrid horrid man.

think I have misread that someone suggested leaving baby with him again. I’ve reread and see that it was a suggestion to leave baby with someone else that you trust , so you still get some time to yourself.

im sorry thats my mistake. Didnt mean to misrepresent the other posters x

You poor girl.
Tell your mother the truth.
This is a waster that couldn't care less about his own child.

Contact the university to see if they can help but this loser is not to be depended upon.

He neglected that baby. Unforgivable.
Take photos of the babys bottom.
You may need them.

He might want it but considering he can only be arsed showering himself every 2 days and can't be arsed at all with changing nappies, I doubt he'd be arsed enough to sort it.

@Grantoffs, this is your realisation moment. He’s no good. I’m so sorry :(

Also, he isn’t the kind of man who will fight
even for every other weekend. I’d bet £1,000 on it. He will only want sporadic contact. Nothing involving actual care and thinking of anyone other than himself.

Gaming and being a skank will be more important to him than parenting. He’s just not interested.

It’s not that surprising if his own mum wasn’t around and his dad didn’t step up to do the emotional heavy lifting. He sounds neglected but it is not your job to fix him - you can’t. Don’t even try- a total waste of energy you could be expending on your lovely kid. And yourself.

Its quite liberating only having to look after one child, and casting the man child adrift. You’ll suddenly find you have much less resentment, and much more fun.

He left your baby sitting in shit for god knows how many hours, and barely fed him. Dogs get treated better. Get angry. This won't get better. And when your little one is a toddler, it could be even more bloody dangerous

Having read your most recent update OP, in your shoes I would be on my way to my Mum's with baby right now, and staying there! This useless man/child is NEVER going to be a good dad! He's clearly not a good partner, and he definitely would NOT be good marriage material. Sits there playing games while HIS baby cries!! I have no words! It's beyond abhorrent to me, to leave ANY child like that, let alone your own flesh and blood. Walk away now OP, and don't look back! You'll find a way to deal with everything in time, but please don't subject your baby to being left with this man ever again.