To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Didn’t want to make a mess? What would he do if you split up and shared custody or god forbid, you were no longer around? Give him crisps & snacks for every meal and never ever change his nappy? Wow. He sees himself as a babysitter, doesn’t he? (A very crappy one!)

I’d be livid. He fed a 9 month old baby crisps?

I’d be asking OH if he cares at all about his baby (obviously knowing he does, but making a point about how lazy, thoughtless, careless and selfish this is) and giving him a lecture on what happens to a baby who isn’t changed and isn’t fed properly, how he can only possibly get away with this crap - basically neglect - because he knows that he can rely on you not to neglect the baby when you get back.

Give him a written down list of non negotiables of what to do with the baby when you’re out - must be changed every 3 hours (even if not, he’s proved he can’t simply check if the baby’s pooed, so he needs a non negotiable hard limit like this), when to feed etc. Rigid rules, as he’s proved himself either too lazy or clueless to be trusted to make judgment calls on this.

Then go out again, tomorrow, and tell him clearly you expect the baby not to be neglected, full of junk food, hungry or have nappy rash when you get back and that the way to achieve that is not to lazily wait for you, the real parent, to get back, it’s for him to actually properly look after and not neglect his own child.

PLEASE give that poor little boy a warm bath to help soothe his bum. It really will help

Wishful thinking but I agree with everything you’re saying.

I truly hope that your husband has a wake call on this. I would show him what everyone thinks about his behavior and would bett a million years that he would take all of these words from all these smart people into consideration. You just need to show him. I’m thinking you’re both very young but having a baby is one of the biggest responsibility in your life. So maybe embarrass him a little. He deserves it. I hope everything works for you.

I agree.

Your mum might say 'I told you so' because she did actually tell you so. That doesn't mean she doesn't love and want the best for you and your baby.

Don't let pride get in the way of getting yourselves out of that shit situation and into a safe place where you can plan your next steps.

Highly unattractive too, having to micromanage another adult

Just so disappointing

I bet he was on his phone the entire time too

This completely

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, it’s really upsetting that he didn’t even think to check the diaper in six whole hours. This really isn’t just a ‘one diaper’ issue — it’s about basic care. You had everything prepared, and he still didn’t manage the essentials. I get why you’re angry. You’re not overreacting at all. He’s not a babysitter — he’s the father

@Grantoffs Which also means that he isn't willing to change his behaviour and step up as a parent so that you're able to attend university. He is putting his desire to game/be lazy/ eat takeaway above you, your son and your ambition.

He knew the baby pooped in his pants. He just ignored it. Baby poop stinks so there isn’t an excuse. And to leave the baby like that, he’s just didn’t want to deal with it bc he’s an asswipe. Nothing to do with the mom except to never leave the baby with him again

He’s absolutely pathetic. Point this out. He couldn’t be arsed to take proper care of his own child for a few hours. His lack of care caused harm to his child. That’s utterly disgusting. And men like this get equal parental responsibility within the law. He’s a fucking joke of a father.

He's weaponising incompetence. He's not incompetent, he just wants an easy ride.

This si so sad op. The only thing I can think of is you do some parenting training - worst case you’re establishing clear evidence he can’t look after baby, and best case you teach him it is easier to parent properly than it is to have you training him. You will need to be an absolute hold the line bitch. Ignore him grumping. So tell him he now has 3-4 hours solo parenting every weekend to learn some parenting skills and it will have to be gaming free until he’s earnt back your first, so every weekend , pack up the gaming gear, take it with you for 3 hours. Write some generic notes to leave him: babies need naps at their usual time, nappy changes on wake up and whenever needed. Poo left sitting in a nappy gives them a rash and HURTS THEM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE SITTING THERE SMACKING THEM ITS NEGLECT. Babies need healthy food regularly. If you’ve eaten and not bothered to feed your baby properly, it’s neglect. Feed your baby first.
babies LOVE cuddles and smiles. Have a chat to your son. He will think you are the most amazing person in the world :)

see if he improves in a few weeks. See if he does the cuddles and smiles.

I think I’d actually ask him to sit in his own shit for six hours and then see if he acts so casually about it.
your poor baby I’d be absolutely raging, let alone with the nappy but with the food too . You need to show him this thread, and leave him. Or get some very good parenting classes and see a massive change in attitude but I can’t imagine it 😢

He's showing you exactly who he is. It's up to you what you do with that information.

I’m so angry on your behalf. Absolutely pathetic behaviour! You sound like such a loving caring mum as well. Just wanted to add that something that can help with nappy rash is letting as much air get to it as possible- so if you can have a way of letting baby have some nappy-free-time that can really help.

Your OH only cares about himself. He couldn't care less about his son.

Personally, I'd hold the fucker down and take a wire brush to his arse and balls. See how he likes that.

I'm so sorry OP, your sadness and guilt is so evident from your posts. This isn't on you at all and all on that lazy sperm donor.

Big hugs to you and your wee boy ❤️

Edited for grammar

I’d be out of there now. What he’s done is inexcusable.

I know someone who’s child was taken off them as they never changed their babies nappy (obviously this was a common theme not just once!), it’s classed as neglect - why ever did he think this was ok!

I would be really annoyed about the nappy thing. I just can't understand why he needed clothes, nappies, wipes and food left out with instruction. Has he never had DS on his own before? Granted my DH might ask me to double check what he's packed in the changing bag if he's taking both kids out, but it's really just an extra set of eyes to see if he's missed anything. I really wouldn't be impressed if I was doing my share and his with the kids, he should know the very basics by now.

Rubbish. I had a baby at 22, dh was 23 and I could have left baby with him and he would have changed nappies and fed him dinner.

Awful . YANBU.
Was he watching TV all the time or gaming and ignoring your baby?
Did they go out ?
I would be very angry.
Banana and crisps ? So bad .

This is his plan though surely?