To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

My DD’s Dad was the same. I begged to sleep one night and him be up with her for nappy change etc, I woke up and she was completely red raw, and well, same story.

I was 23 and decided it would be much easier doing it as a single Mum than with him bumbling along like a useless twunt.

I was also at Uni alongside doing my Nursing Degree, although I did have my family around for support, I still do and she’s 11 now!

Whatever happens I just wanted to comment to say that you sound like one fantastic Mum, you really do. I have no doubt you will always do right by your Son.

Sending you both nothing but love.

It sounds like you have 2 babies - an actual one and a man-child who neglected his own baby because he was sulking / didn’t care / was trying to prove a point that he shouldn’t have to do things. For whatever reason, I agree with the other posters that he could harm the actual baby through his neglect. For example, leaving baby food for him to microwave, I don’t believe that he would check the temperature.
Sorry but I don’t think he is ready/fit to be a parent and you need to put your baby first.

Ah OP, all of your updates 😞 That poor little baby.

You sound like a brilliant, competent young mother. Seriously, hats off to you.

If I was in your situation, I would get in touch with social services who would probably also advise you about contacting the Council to get on the property list.
Your circumstances with a seriously neglectful partner and uninterested mother would make you a priority.
Provisions could be made for nursery care while you are at Uni.
I would not leave my baby with this man child ever again.
The thought is actually terrifying💐

I wouldn't have a "partner" who deliberately neglected my child.

In this instance I don’t think it is rubbish @NattyFox - this guy isn’t ready or able to look after his son and the advice on here is really good.

@Grantoffs you do sound like a fantastic mum and I agree with the advice here ❤️

You may be better off going it alone and the Uni may be able to help and support you with accommodation and nursery support whilst you’re at lectures?
You sound incredibly determined, articulate, sensible and driven. I was a completely lone parent and worked and focused on bringing up my DD - it is possible and can be very rewarding and give you extra energy and commitment to achieve your goals.

Your son’s dad may become more interested in the future when your boy is older but he should not be counted on . It’s worth maintaining a relationship with his parents as they may help house their grandson in the future, if they have property? don’t delay Uni - really look into the ways you can do it with a child..

sending so much love @Grantoffs xx

You need to get him to care for his son whilst you are there - nappy changes, feeding etc etc. Stop doing it all and raise the bar. He needs the practice.

@Grantoffs This nearly made me cry:

'When I got back DS was in his little bouncer looking miserable and clingy, and OH was on the sofa with his feet up watching YouTube on the TV, phone in hand playing some game. I walked in, DS saw me and just burst into tears. His cheeks were red, like properly red, not just a quick cry. He must’ve been sobbing earlier. It broke me a bit if I’m honest.'

It was physical and emotional neglect. None of your baby's needs were being met by your partner. I would keep a record of this and also visit your GP and ask them to document this. His behaviour isn't normal. He seems totally lacking in empathy and isn't safe to be left alone with your son.

I understand that you worry about splitting up and him having time alone with your son. Would he want time with the baby? Would it insist on it just to punish you? Going forward, I would stop doing anything for him.

You sound like an incredible, intelligent, articulate, lovely young woman OP who hasn’t had much proper support from your partner nor family .

If you were MY daughter I’d be so proud of you , looking after your baby with such competent care whilst you’re still so young .

It must have been really tough to manage the early months with a partner who behaves like this .

Once you learn to trust yourself I reckon there will be no stopping you and your son will really appreciate how lucky he is to have a Mum like you as he grows up .

All I would say is that learning to look after a little one is a steep learning curve for anyone. What trends to happen in a lot of situations is that the woman takes over and does not like to leave her baby and then one day she wants a day out and off she goes and expects her partner to intuitively know what to do.
Looking after kids needs to be a joint responsibility from day one. Did he know there was pasta in the fridge?
I think it is pretty pathetic that the nappy was not changed but I also don't think anyone just magically knows what to do, so my question would be, how much experience did he have with looking after your little one single handed??

Weaponised incompetence.

I would be incandescent with rage. He has hurt your child to try to make a point.

Oh apologies, I read it as a criticism that the op hadnt left him before. Glad we're all agreed he's a useless sod!

Now I’ve read the rest of your posts I’m even angrier on your behalf. I’m so sorry. Good idea to make the visit to your GP to get this neglect recorded. I hope you find the practical/legal advice you need. You sound amazing, by the way.

He's a useless fucking prick who neglects his helpless child, and yes, this is weaponised incompetence. He's making sure all the baby stuff falls to you while he fannies about gaming.

You need to absolutely read him the riot act and if he doesn't get his act together (which will probably be the case) plan a life without him.

Tbh the nappy seems to be the least of your problem here. I would be way more worried about him not feeding his own DC and leaving them to their own whilst playing games.

If he can't work out of make lunch for a 9 months old, then he won't be able to cut the food safely, make sure the food isn't too hot, care for a mobile toddler climbing everywhere or putting toys in their mouth...

Honestly this guy is a danger. Not because he doesn't "know how" but because he clearly can't give a shit. I wouldn't leave him near my children.

I wouldn’t be trusting him on his own with the baby again. I’d have absolutely hit the roof.

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound easy for you to leave, but while you work that out I wouldn’t let him look after him on his own again.

I wouldn’t go to the GP about it though. The nappy rash can be sorted out at home & I wouldn’t actively get people involved telling them my child had been neglected. You don’t really want that documented. You can take preventative measures to stop this happening again, but I would be v cautious about actively telling a Doctor that your child has been neglected.

There’s a cruelty to this that I couldn’t live with.

Leave him. He is clearly a disgustingly selfish person. Go to GP and get neglect on record. Call the Council and say you've broken up with your partner and have nowhere for you and your baby to go and your mum threw you out. Hopefully they will help you find somewhere to live urgently. Don't let him have unsupervised access - clearly this incident shows he can't be trusted. Give him access, so you don't get in trouble were he to take you to court, but when you are there not alone. Can you defer your uni place for a year until the baby is a bit older and you could get more funded hours at nursery?

This is utter neglect. He sounds like the type of totally useless twat who goes for weaponised incompetence ensuring he does such a terrible job that he won’t be asked again. I would be furious and quite frankly rethink my relationship with such a selfish lazy prick. Your poor baby…

You're a great mum.

Use all that mama bear energy to realise that the lazy waster has done you a favour. You can make the drastic changes needed NOW before your precious baby is old enough to remember different.

The plans for September will have to adjust, but not change entirely. There's help in place for women in your situation. Detail the logistics here and the clever women of Mumsnet will help you work out how to get to college alone and get some professional childcare in place. It won't be easy but in a year or so it will be so much better than today.

This.

I'm sorry OP, but your relationship is over. He doesn't care two figs for you or his son.

About the house, is there a tenancy agreement, and is your name on it? If so, you might be able to take over the tenancy (if you want to that is).
In the meantime, go to your mum's for a while.

He’s so out of order.

ExDP did this regularly. When I came home and changed the nappy straight away, he always used the excuse that he was just about to do it and then I did it before he had a chance. ExDP turned out to be a narcissistic abuser, I I just didn't realise at that point.

Oh bless you. He’s his dad your partner neglected your son. He’s a baby. Obv needs changing and feeding
take pics of his bum /soreness as may improve overnight with cream

def see gp. Explain what happened

i think you reliese that you can’t be with this man and need to find somewhere else to live - talk to your mum. Hopefully she won’t say told you so but will support you

do you have friends you can speak to /stay with

contact council /housing and hopefully by sept you will be able to put son into full time nursery while you study

Please leave him, for your sake as well. Speak to your university, there are often hardship funds available and if your income is below I think 21k you can get an additional childcare grant as well as tuition and maintenance loans.

It’ll be hard but going through life carrying the dead weight of that man will be harder in the long run, especially without a decent education. Prioritise that so you can provide for your son. You sound like a lovely mum.

Ask your mum for help (if she’s a safe person). Hearing I told you so sucks but is not the worst thing, she’s possibly just very worried and not handling it better. Take whatever help you can get, swallow your pride and promise yourself if your son finds himself in a similar situation you’ll do a little better.

dear @Grantoffs - apologies I’ve posted a few times now. I keep coming back to your thread. You are so impressive and I really agree with @LividVermiciousKnid - you will be able to do this with a bit of adjustment and the support of the women of Mumsnet!!

There is a lot of anger on your behalf on here - but obvs it’s very hard for you just to walk out. your baby isn’t in active danger from your partner (if he doesn’t have to do anything) so it’s not like you have to actively escape.

Use this time to plan and research your next steps. Read all the comments on here carefully and make a note of those that make sense to you. And use those, along with advice of friends to make your plan.

I highly recommend contacting the university and researching what support there is for single mums. I have had a look on Google and it does say that all universities offer support.

In terms of your partner - yes he’s behaved atrociously - but I don’t think it’s born out of malice and cruelty - just laziness and incompetence. It’s up to you whether you want to kick his ass into shape - or proceed as if you are already a single mum. He may or may not change with maturity and once your boy can talk or move - he may then form a bond which drives him too. In the short term, you obviously can’t trust him and that bond isn’t there.

I hope you’re not overwhelmed with everything. You’re amazing and strong and the same age as my DD and I can’t imagine her being able to cope like you are. Come back to Mumsnet for help or advice everyone is here for you xx