To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Sadly not the only time I've heard of men like this.

It's neglect plain and simple.

I also don't buy into the "he needs more practice" bollocks.

Do we get practice before we birth our children?

Does he forget to feed himself or go to the toilet?

No!

So if he realises he has needs that need to be met then he will also have realised so does this baby but he just hasn't cared enough to make sure they're met.

Beware OP the men I know that have done this have done so to make sure their partners don't leave the house again and it's an isolation tactic because now you know he can not be trusted.

I also do not believe in weaponised incompetence or not enough practice. This is another level of neglect by his father. Mum had dutifully put out all needs to be met, she didn't have to but she did.

My advice is go to the GP but explain why your son has the soreness. You have zero guilt here.

Then please contact all resources for your course as people have mentioned above. First and foremost it's a about your baby.

That is horrendous, OP. I think you need to spell it out for him that he has hurt his child by neglecting him. That DS is unhappy and in pain from the nappy rash, because HE was not interested in providing his son with what he needed.

If he does actually care but has just been avoiding things up to now, you may be able to get him back on track by involving him more. A parenting course is a good idea, but what he needs is to find his own motivation, not just be pushed to do things. Insisting he spend more 1:1 time with DS without a screen around may help provide that. It doesn't sound like he's close to DS at all.

But it may be that you just have a useless man in the house who doesn't love his son, or you, in a meaningful way.

I didn't mean that! I wasn't blaming the OP.

I just wondered if this useless sod of a father had had much experience in parenting his own child.

But sorry, OP. That wasn't meant to be a dig at you.

Sorry, DH/DP is an arsehole - end of - the fact he's 22 doesn't mean anything - the people here suggesting he's a child himself are completely wrong - plenty of fathers at that age would have managed perfectly well.

I wouldn't take the child to the docs etc tomorrow and report this and get SS involved - that could be years worth of agro. Tell DP he's an arse, hand it to him on a plate, and monitor his performance with the baby while you're present and if it doesn't get better then get rid of him.

In view of your latest post OP, even after things were difficult when you told her you were keeping the baby, I would still go home to your Mum. Be prepared to eat humble pie. Tell her what has happened today, and then tell her that you now realise that she was right about a lot of things that she said before you left, and that while you have absolutely no regrets about your decision to keep your baby, you have now realised what a huge responsibility it is, and while you love your son to bits, your OH, is absolutely useless, and cannot be relied upon. Ask her if you can stay until you're able to sort out suitable accommodation, and then go to the Council on Monday, and tell them that you've separated from your partner, that you're a single Mum, and you need accommodation.

Do you feel trapped, if you do ask your family if they support you for awhile. I would never leave my baby with this man again. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t give a shit. You need to do everything you can and make a better life for your cutie little baby. I just had 9 month old for a week and it’s was wonderful. I changed her diaper all days, especially a soiled one. Doe your husband have any friends, I’d tell them all about this and see what they think. I wish you and your baby the best and I don’t think the best is him. I’m sorry.

Don’t keep secrets about bad behavior from your family and friends. You on,y isolate yourself and it’s hard to get out of bc you don’t want anyone to think your mate isn’t good. A lot of us have been there. Make your babys life the best. Piss on his grave

This level of neglect is scary. I would no longer leave my child with dh, and genuinely leave him. He cannot be trusted with his own son.

I think you’re under-reacting.

Speaking as a mum that had PND, I still managed to do what needed to be done.

Additionally, I don’t think he’s done this to get out of baby duties, he doesn’t give a &£”! about his child.

This is great advice.

OP you sound like a great mum and like you've got your head screwed on, despite having got yourself into this situation.

Get shot of this useless man. You are very young and you will make something of your life and will be a great mum to your DS. I can tell just by how you write that you are smart and you will succeed.

^^this. There’s weaponised incompetence and then there’s actively letting your baby suffer to try to get out of parenting. The first is irritating - the latter is the behaviour of a deeply disturbed and unfeeling person. You need to get your poor little boy away from this neglectful, uncaring cunt if a man.

OP, I copied this from Google AI as I believed there's extra support for single parents at uni but didn't know what kinds. In short, don't decide you have to sacrifice your future. It wouldn't be easy, but neither is being trapped in a relationship with a disengaged partner!

Naturally, I hope you'll succeed in knocking into DP that his son is a living being he's responsible for. Not wildly optimistic, though, with a 22yo gamer who's showing no instinctive care for the baby. Has he ever even kept a plant alive?

Hers' some info:

Single parents studying in UK universities can access various financial and practical support to help with the costs of studying and childcare. This includes student finance loans and grants, childcare grants, university-specific bursaries and grants, and potential help with council tax and other benefits.

Financial Support:
Student Finance:
Single parents can apply for a higher maintenance loan and potentially qualify for additional grants for dependents, such as the Adult Dependants' Grant and Parents' Learning Allowance from UWE Bristol.

Childcare Grant:
Full-time students with children under 15 (or 17 with special needs) can apply for a Childcare Grant to help with childcare costs while studying, which is means-tested and doesn't need to be repaid.

Parents' Learning Allowance:
This means-tested allowance helps with the costs of studying and is paid on top of other student finance.

University Bursaries and Grants:
Many universities offer bursaries and grants specifically for students with children or other specific needs.

Scholarships, Grants, and Bursaries from Trusts:
Students can also explore funding opportunities from charitable trusts according to Frolo.

NHS Learning Support Fund (LSF):
Students on eligible healthcare courses in England can apply for a training grant that includes additional support for those with dependent children.

Other Support:
Universal Credit: Single parents may be eligible for Universal Credit, which can help with living costs and childcare costs, and may also include help with council tax and housing.

Help with Council Tax: Single parents may be eligible for council tax support.

Child Benefit: Single parents can also apply for child benefit.

University Accommodation: Some universities offer accommodation suitable for single parents, and it's worth researching this says Nido Living.

Free Preschool Childcare: All students are entitled to 15 hours of free pre-school childcare from when their child is three years old.

Where to Find More Information:
Student Finance England/Wales: For information on student loans and grants.

GOV.UK: For information on student finance, childcare grants, and other relevant benefits.

University Website: Check your chosen university's website for details on their specific support for students with children.

Child Poverty Action Group (CPAG): Provides information on benefits for lone parents, including those in education.

Turn2us: A grant search tool that can help find funding from charitable trusts.

One Parent Families Scotland: Offers support and advice for single parent students.

Gingerbread: Provides resources and information for single parents.

Frolo: Offers advice for single parents navigating university.

Don’t make excuses for garbage, they’re aren’t any.

You know, men do know how to take care of baby’s but this piece of feces doesn’t want to she has to remove herself from this situation and never let that disgusting human near her baby again. She’s the protector now and he needs to go.

That is true, and sometimes the main carer wants to prep if they are going out, because for some children, things need to e very regimented. And there are some families who live nearby who always leave the childcare to the mum-to be fair, the mums don't work at all, and they say they're happy that way. The problem is that the dads literally don't know what to do if there's ever an emergency, and unless other family/friends go round, something like OP mentions could happen-it's not that the dads mean to be uncaring. I guess my FIL would have been like this-any time he came round, saying he wanted to help, he would do something that could have been dangerous if I'd not been there to prevent/sort it (nappies/food/lack of supervision-because I was there, nothing happened and I obviously wouldn't/didn't ever leave him alone). Please don't anyone say that's an age/man thing as my grandad was an amazing hands-on parent, who did most of the childcare and meal-making for the whole family, any time he wasn't working!

Your post has made me so angry on your behalf and that of your baby. Your partner is a selfish individual who cannot even prioritise his own child. I would be so upset knowing he couldn’t bother to do the basics of child care. If he doesn’t step up and get with it I would be rethinking the future for the sake of your child.

I don’t think child abuse is hectoring. Are fried pies lady

And you dear.

I’m not your dear. Weirdo

So utter,y confused has given me a spanking. I might be a little to harsh and your looking for advice and I just get angry about baby’s. They’re so helpless and depend on their parents to always take care of them. I know it’s not your fault but if you don’t do anything to change it it will be. You might be able to make him change but I doubt it. Are happy utterlyconfusednow.

Maybe go to bed?

I'd also be very angry.

Maybe you should go to bed. You’re not my boss, you do sound like a person who always needs to be obeyed. You sound like fun