Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

223 replies

Cecemonkeylou · 04/07/2025 17:26

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Motnight · 04/07/2025 17:30

Male or female colleague, Op?

In all seriousness now you know for certain that your DH just can't be asked to spend time thinking about nice gifts for you.

Crispsandredwine · 04/07/2025 17:33

My husband is the same. I used to get upset about it but now just accept that whatever he buys me will be either a waste of money or going back to the shop. In our case I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care, it’s that he leaves it to the last minute and then panic buys or overthinks and tries to imagine what I’d like as opposed to just buying something he thinks is nice. Anyway, what I now do is just buy myself something extravagant for birthday/anniversary/Christmas

Agix · 04/07/2025 17:33

You're not being unreasonable OP.

Your husband doesn't think he needs to put that effort in for you.

If you twist it, you can see it as partly a good thing... Your husband feels safe and secure with you, and doesn't feel anxious about gift giving.

But without those mental gymnastics, it's actually mostly just shite and you deserve some effort too.

I would have hoped once you communicated this with him, he'd realise that too and step up. Is it worth talking more with him about it? That you don't understand why you're horrible just because you want some effort too? (and no you're not horrible).

Howareyoufeelingtoday · 04/07/2025 17:33

He seems to know an awful lot about this colleagues likes and dislikes and habits.

And why is he giving them something from his own personal music collection?

If this is a woman colleague I would be wondering just exactly how close he is to her that he is taking so much trouble when he doesnt bother for his wife.

ButteredRadish · 04/07/2025 17:35

He called you horrible??? What on earth for?! He asked you a question and so you answered him.
How very defensive…..
I’m betting this colleague is female? Either way that’s an awwwwwwful lot of items for a work colleague. One you don’t have a crush on, at least 🤔

AgnesX · 04/07/2025 17:38

A CD from his personal collection sounds incredibly personal - on the other a second hand cd, maybe not so much.

But yes, more effort from him needed.

StrawberryWater · 04/07/2025 17:41

Er is this a male or female colleague, it makes all the difference.

Either way he's a jerk and quite frankly after so long together and years of neglect I'd be thinking of I wanted to stay around any longer.

OvaHere · 04/07/2025 17:43

Were these definitely presents he thought up on his own? When we buy gifts for a team member gift suggestions are usually a group effort from the female staff mostly then the person collecting the money buys them.

MounjaroMounjaro · 04/07/2025 17:45

He said you were horrible for saying that? His lack of thought over the years has been awful and now he's showering attention on another woman and resents you picking up on it.

NoelFaraday · 04/07/2025 17:49

Some people are just crap at buying presents which is something you might be able to tolerate (I wouldn’t) but the fact that he can spend time thinking about what a person’s tastes are and being considerate when purchasing gifts is insulting and I don’t blame you for being upset.

He is being horrible, not you!

Swiftie1878 · 04/07/2025 17:56

Sounds like there had been a whip around?
It was probably others who told him what to get!

gmgnts · 04/07/2025 17:56

male or female colleague?

Original poster
Cecemonkeylou · 04/07/2025 17:57

OvaHere · 04/07/2025 17:43

Were these definitely presents he thought up on his own? When we buy gifts for a team member gift suggestions are usually a group effort from the female staff mostly then the person collecting the money buys them.

His team are not very nice. He chose everything and only 1 person gave money to the collection (a tenner) someone else did buy flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Cecemonkeylou · 04/07/2025 17:57

StrawberryWater · 04/07/2025 17:41

Er is this a male or female colleague, it makes all the difference.

Either way he's a jerk and quite frankly after so long together and years of neglect I'd be thinking of I wanted to stay around any longer.

Female colleague and it bothers me

OP posts:
Original poster
Cecemonkeylou · 04/07/2025 17:59

AgnesX · 04/07/2025 17:38

A CD from his personal collection sounds incredibly personal - on the other a second hand cd, maybe not so much.

But yes, more effort from him needed.

Edited

She likes northern soul music so he gave a 7in single of northern soul from his record collection. He could easily buy is again on single for around £10 but it bothers me how thoughtful and personal it all was.

OP posts:
IGuessIllbetheFirst · 04/07/2025 17:59

The exact first thought came into my mind as @gmgnts and @Motnight - male or female colleague? You may have your answer there unfortunately OP.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 04/07/2025 17:59

He sounds like he takes you for granted and actually doesn’t even respect you very much.

Zov · 04/07/2025 18:01

The fact this colleague is female is extremely worrying and suspicious @Cecemonkeylou

He has either already shagged her, or he wants to shag her.

He has a massive crush on her. I'm sorry. Flowers

Not sure what you can do about it, except kind of spy on him/watch him/watch what he does. No way to live though. If it was me and I had no children I would be questioning whether I want to stay with him.

BellissimoGecko · 04/07/2025 18:02

I knew it would be a female colleague 🙄

this is not good news, and you’re right to feel upset. Your h’s response - that you were ‘horrible’ - is designed to shut you up, stop you talking, stop you asking questions or criticising him.

What’s the rest of your relationship like?

Can you usually talk to him?

ScratCat · 04/07/2025 18:02

I can understand you being very hurt, and also the fact he’s buying such thoughtful and personal things for a female colleague is suspicious.

Baddaybigcloud · 04/07/2025 18:03

I get it but he gives you

Gin, perfume, make up (I’m guessing!) etc which doesn’t seem bad?? In fact sounds nice? Not like he bought you a toaster

MounjaroMounjaro · 04/07/2025 18:04

What's your home situation, OP? Do you have children together? Do you earn an equal amount?

Sally2791 · 04/07/2025 18:05

Was bound to be a female colleague. Fairly obvious where that’s going.

Keroppi · 04/07/2025 18:06

Well I would personally be extremely suspicious and going through his phone asap. He's shutting you down over it and acting like he has a crush! Has he mentioned her much before?

OvaHere · 04/07/2025 18:06

Cecemonkeylou · 04/07/2025 17:57

His team are not very nice. He chose everything and only 1 person gave money to the collection (a tenner) someone else did buy flowers

Show quote history

Fair enough. Not unreasonable that you're annoyed then.

I have a DH who can't seem to use imagination over gifts but he appears to be equal opportunity in his rubbish choices. I can't think of a time he got anyone a personalised and thoughtful gift.