Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

His gift to her and to you sound on par

OP the merits of the various gifts are not really the point. Rather, watching your DH pack this gift left you longing for him to be more thoughtful and caring and, as you put it, for him to see you. Can you focus on those needs with your DH? It might help to take the focus away from the colleague's gift.

Are there any other ways/instances in which you feel seen by him? Does he do other thoughtful, generous things for you ?

I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

@Cecemonkeylou, I empathize with your feelings of being marginalized and unseen.

While your H is invested in what this woman enjoys in intimate detail, he doesn’t do the same for you. He doesn’t listen to your gift requests/date ideas or engage thoughtfully about what would be really special to you. His detachment and lack of investment speak volumes.

In light of his deep care in selecting her gifts and his venomous response to your honest openness about your hurt, I too would be wondering if he feels more than platonic friendship and has been duping you about her. I recall a thread where the fooled OP was stunned to discover that her partner was besotted and unfaithful with his much older female colleague who took a nurturing approach with him that he found irresistible.

In your case, @Cecemonkeylou, I would be investigating his phone.

Thank you everyone. I'm taking a hard look at what i need to communicate. I've checked his phone. Nothing. I've checked his phone timeline and locations via maps. Nothing out of sync. I've checked emails and WhatsApp. They have a WhatsApp thread together but it's about work and nothing romantic

Sorry if this has already been asked but is she senior to him? Are the gifts an arse licking career strategy?

That’s a relief.

No she is a support person who chops up materials for his dept and makes him hazelnut coffee by the sound of things

Well…maybe these gifts will also spend 6months on a shelf…you don’t know do you?
maybe the person isn’t a big fan of that band but did not have at heart to say so…maybe the person for the gin is trying to cut down on alcohol and so on and so on…

the fact is that you are upset about how he is bad at gifting for you and you shouldn’t. Send him a few links of what you want and let him pick so you still have the surprise. Done.
except is to receive gifts is high on your end in terms of choosing a life partner, let it go.

Sounds like you’re wrong and he is great with gifts. Clearly just doesn’t care enough when it comes to you - I think you have your answer…

Is a present just from him. Or has the team / other colleagues suggested what to buy and he’s the one who’s brought it?

Partners are rubbish at buying presents, just buy what you want.
A cup, badge and a record from their collection wouldn’t be a great present for most and would end up at the charity shop.

I can see all the MN man-haters out in force. He can’t buy somebody a leaving gift without having an affair, apparently.

Why don’t you just ask him for the receipts?

If he is a good husband in every other way I’d just accept it but then I’m also a horrible gift giver and recipient. Choosing gifts for people gives me so much anxiety cuz I assume they’ll have the same reaction I do, which is generally underwhelm. I no longer put myself through the anxiousness of choosing something that will probably be discarded with out a second thought. I give and ask for vouchers so I can treat myself to a wee spree when I’m in the mood.

This, no criticism but perhaps he's a bit disappointed by your reaction to his presents.

I’ve just seen that the present is for a woman and yes I would agree that I’d be hurt that. Probably insecure about it as well.

Sod THAT OP. This isnt right.

If he buys a new copy of the record, it will never replace the original. What was the record?

Another thought, do you actually wear the perfume? If you don’t for good news sake start using it. He probably likes it too and enjoys the fragrance when you’re together! I have a favourite, my husband has a favourite and we buy them for each other. I really think you’re looking for trouble where there is none here.

Not read whole thread , just Ur bits. Anyway sounds like he likes the lady because she has been really nice to him in a place that everyone isn't nice. He appreciates that and has wanted to show his thanks with some nice gifts for her leaving present.

A partners gifts time (birthday/Christmas/valentine's day/anniversary/mother's day/ Easter) is just relentless... Me and my husband is only bother with birthday and Christmas. Anyway it's not really the same. This is a one off for a kind lady. So yeah I wouldn't ll sweat it. He sounds like he felt criticised by u and lashed out.

Anyway once the whole thing has died down, maybe have a chat about what you would like him to buy u.

My DH is a bit like this. On very rare occasions he really does well but most of the time he has no clue or even forgets completely. It’s our silver wedding anniversary later this year. I’ve already sourced his presents and personalised card and wrapping paper. I’ll be amazed if I even get a card.

OP, you have my sympathies.

That’s not the same as saying you don’t like it. He may just assume you like it but have lots of it.

fhe gift for colleague doesn’t sound amazingly thoughtful. A mug, gin, coffee and food. At you saying you would be grateful for a mug for your birthday? Nice but if he had to buy this person a gift regularly, they would probably struggle

Hi there, no probably not the mug for me but it was the type of mug and the branding of the mug. He had obviously heard and spoken to her about that type of music and recalled and got her that as he knew she would like it. Its the thoughtfulness. The personal record from his collection. That was just too personal and crossed a line for me. If he bought me a mug, he would pop into Sainsbury's and buy the first mug he saw. I don't get much thought when it comes to him.

Maybe I am, which is why I wanted other people's perspective, so thank you. He is nice and charming and people generally really like him. I've just been hurt by the thought he has put in for someone else who is supposedly just a work colleague rather then no thought for his wife.i suppose I am jealous. I just want him to think about me.