Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

Plus it’s one from his personal collection. I’d say this is more special than just going out to buy one. Presumably it’s a now-expensive one or hard to get hold of/collectible rather than him just cheaping out. Also possible they’ve spoke about similar taste in music and she’s mentioned she doesn’t have it.

Yep. Depressing isn’t it? That that is such a ‘given’.

He probably got input from others on the team gift.

But more thoughtful that what he bought OP? He also bought her gin. Beauty products she already has so he obviously noticed that and knows she likes them and would use them.

I don’t find gifts like a crappy mug thoughtful. It’s the hallmark of “I have to buy someone a gift, let’s stick something they like on a mug”.

A mug, a badge, coffee and a bottle gin isn’t a tonne of money and the record was from his own collection!

Fuck him OP.

Go out tomorrow & buy yourself a thoughtful gift that makes you feel, seen and heard and noted.

I think you need to not get caught up in arguing it if hes going to insult you.
Tell him that he can insult you if he likes, but the fact is, hes given more thought to this one gift to his favourite colleague than he has to you in 24 years, and if he thinks that you being upset about that is the perfect time to insult you, then hes hardly making this right!

OP said it isn’t hard to get or a collectible. That it’ll cost her DH £10 to replace the one he gave away.

It's likely a repress hence the £10 price.

His one is likely an original. The £10 one will be a repress.

Oops, someone already said that!

I agree OP hasn’t given him enough to go on for her gifts. He probably assumes because she likes the beauty products, she wants more. She told him she already had the perfume but to me that says “I will definitely use it when I finish my other one; thankyou”

Have a proper chat with him about all this OP. No point trying to guess how he feels about her. Even if it’s platonic warmth and respect, he needs to understand that you’re not feeling valued and he needs to put more effort in.

To be honest, if you work in an office, you end up knowing alot about your colleagues, their likes and dislikes.
I'm a crap gifter, mind goes blank before special occasions. As for finding gifts for my dh (together 15yrs) - mission impossible. Thank goodness he took up a hobby recently, gives me a chance to get something that will actually be used

Female colleague is worrying. I’d be telling him to piss off.

Yikes - my first thought was it must be a woman, plus they’ve got stuff in common, he’s being extra thoughtful as well and he thinks you’re horrible.
Alarm bells would be ringing if it was my husband.
Leave it a day or two, don’t get emotional or bolshy, then try to have a calm chat about how it’s making you feel. Good luck.

In some ways I’d find it easier to buy for a colleague than my husband! A particular whiskey they mentioned they like. A certain object they collect. A box of fruit teas because they don’t drink coffee. These seem like evidence of normal friendly colleague chats to me, not anything particularly intimate.

I bought similar to that for
my husband 20 years ago. And have bought the ‘favourite’ whiskey multiple times since. But I can’t keep doing that! And I need to buy for Christmas , anniversary, valentines , birthday and Father’s Day!!

Let’s just forget about his lovely, thoughtful leaver’s gift for now.

It sounds like he’s just a bit of a shit husband to you!
Have you talked to him about how your expectations are making you miserable because he doesn’t even vaguely meet them?

Hmmm I’m not so sure about this one… I understand why you’d be a bit upset that he bought thougtful gifts for someone at work. I would
too. But I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to say he buys you rubbish gifts. You’ve said you don’t drink much, but when you do it’s gin and tonic, and he bought you a bottle of gin. So he bought you the exact drink he knows you like ? You also said he bought you a beauty product that you use… so again he’s tried to buy you something he knows you like. And perfume is a very standard gift to give surely ? Why on earth would you say you’re not using it as you still have one to use up? I have multiple perfumes that I switch between (unless it’s because he’s bought you the exact same scent, in which case I’d say he’s tried to buy you want he knows you like again!?)
Lots of men are not great at buying presents. You are feeling envious as you know he’s bought her things he knows she likes… well from what you've said it looks to me like he also buys you things he knows (thinks) you like !!! it’s not really his fault if you’d rather something special and a bit different. Some people are hard to buy for & at least he is getting you things you use / like !?

Only two questions at this stage:

How old is your husband?

How is your sex life?

My husband is 45 and good sex life. It is good in that respect. I know that he wants me physically.

Thank you. It was the exact same perfume and scent. He bought me one at Christmas and the same in June on my birthday and I had not opened the one from Christmas.

Then tell him you don’t need any more perfume!

I have. I'm observant about things and I thought he just wasn't but the colleagues gift just highlighted to me that he can buy a thoughtful gift and it was so very thoughtful.

I don’t think his gift to colleague was thoughtful at all, sounds like a load of individual craps, to me, his gifts to you are more thoughtful (he is observing what you use) and perfume means he likes the smell of you.

I would argue that it was. Merch of a band she likes, plus a (presumably) original record when he’s happy to buy a repress for himself. Then remembering she’s gluten free when he buys her treats and deliberately seeking them out/spending the money. It’s actually quite a lot of money for a gift unless everyone chipped in.

whereas with OP he’s buying her copies of stuff she still has to use, albeit I think Op has been less than helpful giving him ideas and not being clear about not wanting dupes of what she has already