Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

I’ll say it again, your problems are between you and your DH, NOT with his colleague.
If he is so utterly thoughtless towards you, try to address that, rather than muddying the water with his gifting to a colleague.

Thank you, that's really kind advice and I think spot on. I will. I would really love to feel seen and heard by him though. It just hurt so much.

This. At work lots of people chip in with ideas so it's not hard to buy something. For you, he would have to come up with ideas himself & may not be good at that. I'm the opposite in that my husband is great with present ideas & I'm rubbish - he buys his own usually & tells me what I've bought. I don't think it's an indication that he doesn't care, just that he struggles to think of decent presents for you so you may have to be more forceful with your suggestions & tell him what to get you.

Op you still have a right to be hurt whether it’s something or nothing is he joining her as the new work place? The reason your hurt is how he’s taken notice of her likes and dislikes where as with you he just goes oh I will get her x perfume I know she likes. He might as well get you nothing the lack of thought. It doesn’t matter how he sees this woman it’s the fact he does see her. Just be aware going forward make sure nothing changes at home her weight is irrelevant if they speak about their interests he’s making more effort with her than you. On your next birthday or Christmas say to him I want to be surprised and I don’t want anything that I have had previously and please book a night out for us both now I know your quite capable. Bit nasty to say your horrible quite defensive of colleague.

OP I wonder if you’re threatened by their shared interests & worry he has more in common with the colleague than he does with you? Bcos the gifts he’s chosen for her are not especially thoughtful as has been expressed by the answers on this thread. You can’t feel hard done by that he’s buying her coffee when you get perfume surely? I just think it’s bcos they show a shared interest or appreciation of certain things. I don’t think she’s in any way a threat to you or your marriage nor do I think him having certain things in common with work colleagues an issue either. But you seem to. Is this triggering deeper held insecurities about your compatibility with your DH or how he views you? Do you have shared interests /appreciation for or other things in common with him? Do you feel his interests are a bit superior to yours or are things you e never really “got”? Maybe that’s where you need to focus your energies. I don’t mean suddenly adopting his taste in music. But what everyone else can see on here is that him buying these gifts for the colleague are really not very thoughtful at all. they’re v easy for him to buy bcos they’re similar to things he would get for himself. That’s not thoughtful. It’s easy, quite lazy & actually pretty thoughtless!

Well an update to this is another member of staff leaves in the next 2 weeks. He has got them a card. That's it. They get nothing. He said no one has given any money and I have said how is this fair and consistent vs the woman who left last week. I've made him buy the other member of staff a cinema voucher as I know they like to go to the cinema. He is a shit

My husband is rubbish at buying presents, he's had his moments which have been really special and do stick out. The first Birthday I was with him, he bought a weekend in Paris for me, he's done a couple of other things, my engagement ring I chose without knowing, although the proposal was ridiculously rubbish and we still laugh about it. I have had some very practical presents too, an aluminum step to paint the ceiling, a chainsaw to do the gardening.

Now for Birthday and Christmas, I am given a budget to buy what I want, I even wrap them myself and on the day we laugh that he doesn't even know what I've got.

I know he can make the effort for other people but I just can't get worked up about it. When his mum was alive he used to make the effort for her, and i would help too. He always makes the effort for his children. A couple of years ago we was on holiday on my birthday, he went all out to tell every restaurant or bar we went to and I had such a fuss made, it wasn't by him, but the sentiment was there. It was great. If you get the attention all the time, it loses it for me. I like to look back and laugh at the crap presents too.

Yes, OP, he is.

Does this not make you more concerned now he has shown favouritism to this 1 female.

Gosh You are not being unreasonable.
He knows and acknowledges her intimately( in the non sexual meaning of the word) when you should be his focus, not just on your birthday. Every day.
Thats what marriage is.

Yes exactly. I'm more enraged now.

Yes, more evidence of his going all out to show his affection and make her feel special. Others don’t rate.

@Cecemonkeylou, you found nothing on his phone, but I still submit that they may share a frisson in person.

Whatever the nature of their relationship is, he has proven very capable of truly ‘seeing and hearing’ someone and acting on that when he wants to.

Why and how is it some people garner more attention? At my old workplace, one person didn’t have her twenty year anniversary marked (it was completely overlooked) whilst not much later big things were made of people who’d been there ten years.

My DH would see that as a work task and put a huge amount of time and effort into it. He agonizes over Secret Santa for weeks. My Dad was the same that he could buy great gifts for work but terrible at gifts for family.

However, he always claims he doesn't have time/doesn't know what to get/is overwhelmed when he has to buy me a gift. Or sometimes his brain doesn't realise an occasion requires one. He grew up not celebrating birthdays or Christmas so doesn't really get gift giving.

He's a faithful thing though. Perhaps I'm lucky that most of his colleagues are pensioners 😂.

Maybe explain to him that you wish he'd put as much thought into gifts for you. And that if he doesn't know what to get you, ask. You don't need toiletries or perfume and certainly not gin.

Tell em Maury

Is his colleague more senior than him? Maybe he wants that prompting bad, but it sounds like he has a work wife?
Ask him outright is that for your work wife? Watch the reaction, then share with us.

Hi there, I said to him that I find the term work wife disloyal and find the idea of male and female relationships only being like this wrong. He thinks he is just being nice. She sent him a gushy message saying thank you for the generous, thoughtful and gorgeous gifts. He said no worries and a thumbs up. So none gushy back.

I said work wife as joke, but has he used this term in conversation with you? In my humble opinion (others are welcome to disagree!), it sounds like he's comfortable using that term and uses it in the office.

Now, going back to the message reply, did he volunteer that information or did you need to peak at his phone?
If he volunteered it, I personally wouldn't trust it he's trying not to rock the boat with you.
If you peaked and found the neutral 👍 no worries you're okay.

I personally, would set up a fake insta and try and do some snooping. Find if she's attractive, maybe set up a fake linked in? You need to know what you're dealing with.

what job is this?? What industry?

Education and she is a technician chopping up wood

Not exactly a sexy environment! I think he's has just got a soft spot her (not a crush) and she's a bit mumsy. I don't believe there's anything sexual there, he just likes her as a mumsy friend.

Have you asked him how he would feel if you had a male friend/workmate who you gave thoughtful & considerate presents to? More thoughtful & considerate than the ones you gave to him (your dh)? Ones you spent lots of time choosing and were from your personal collection, whereas you just gave you dh something without much thought, just a routine gift? Would he be happy with that situation?
Maybe he needs to see it from your perspective like this? I can understand how hurtul this is and I am cross on your behalf OP that he isn’t getting it.

So my husband left his workplace last week. He wanted a small leaving drink with just the 2 members of his team he liked, another 1 is off on long term sick. He also expressed that it would be nice if me, previous colleagues who he liked were there. I messaged and organised 3 of them to be there and I said I would not go as I could not arrange a sitter for our kids. The woman, he bought the thoughtful gift for, turned up at the leaving drinks and said to one of the former colleagues, who I'm very friendly with, that she had hoped it would only be her and my husband. My former work colleague was confused by this comment and asked her "what like a date?" To which she replied yes. Actual WTF. She has also contacted him this week to say she has a leaving gift for him when she next sees him accompanied by beer emojis. She has a husband who was even used as a designated driver to drive my husband home from the leaving drink. Why are people so shit.

He will probably see her at a colleagues 60th birthday thats being planned. F**k it. I'm going to it.

Does your DH known about the date comment? Was she actually invited or did she just turn ? I agree about going to the next night out yourself, you can probably tell alot from body language etc. sorry you are in the position, my DH had a “work wife” and I hated it. It seemed to be his excuse to be “close” (his words) to this particular female colleague.

I think the date comment is something said not in his ear shot. She was invited. Im definitely going to the next work event as you are so right you can tell a lot from how she interacts with him. I hate work wife as a term. Why can people just be friends?