Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

The difference is, OP buys thoughtful gifts for others!

Have you ever met her OP.
When I met the OW she wasn’t how I expected and so I had previously under estimated the risk.

No I've not met her. I've seen her Facebook profile picture and I wasn't concerned but I'm not sure now.

You are not wrong to be bothered.

also his reaction is odd. To call you horrible? Hmmm

I don't know what your husband is up to, but it's obvious he doesn't value you as much as she should.

I'd also caution against thinking someone is not a threat based on how you perceive them. Many a fat and/older woman has been the affair partner of many slim and/younger woman's husband.

Fat women are attractive. Older women are attractive and ultimately, a man will take up with a woman who makes him FEEL good, regardless of what she looks like.

He's taken the care and thought to do for her what he won't for you, so whether he views her as a mother or potential partner; he's invested in her in a way he won't in you. Be vigilant.

just so everyone knows, a woman being old and overweight doesn’t mean a young guy won’t fancy her

Agree. I’m the same. Im
never disappointed as I always buy myself something lovely.

I think he IS thoughtful of you though - you drink gin, he buys you gin (why aren't your bottles lovely?), he buys beauty products you will actually use and perfume just because he thinks you'll like it. A mug and a badge aren't exactly romantic gifts IMHO

His reaction was nasty.
He sounds thoughtless.

I think he likes her and if you haven’t met or seen her then you can’t believe what he is telling you.

I don’t think she is mumsy at all!!!!

It's a bit of a worry that he's playing her looks and appearence down in front of you. Obviously he's not going to say she's a stunner to you! I'd be listening more to how often he actually talks about this woman.

I would be raging. I am a gift person, love to get them myself, love to get them for other people. Maybe this is shallow but I couldn’t be with someone who buys me shit gifts. They don’t have to be expensive, they just have to be thoughtful.

He has proved he can do it, just doesn’t care to do it for you. I might get heat for this, but given it’s a female colleague I would be tempted to snoop his phone. Always best to mentally prep yourself for the worst just in case, and if you do find anything gather evidence and don’t let him know you know straight off the bat. Strategic advantage. I doubt he’s having an affair with his surrogate mum, but stranger things have happened.

Why didn't you tell him that he needed to change it? You come across as passive and a little needy.

I really don’t think these are particularly thoughtful gifts.

Do many older women want a mug with a band they like on it? & a badge? He got her a bottle of gin…like he also got you. Like every women ever gets gifted from colleagues. He gave her a record of a band he knows she likes and therefore will very likely already own the record and he got her the same coffee she already has because she brings it to work every day.

It’s hard buying thoughtful presents after 24 years together and you’ve got a birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Valentines and an anniversary every year.

The difference is, whatever he buys his colleague, she’s not going to be disappointed. There hasn’t been years of resentment which is what appears to be in this marriage.

Well quite so the colleague is utterly irrelevant.

Maybe it’s not what she’d like but you can’t deny it’s thoughtful. I got a Saul Goodman mug for Xmas (I don’t even drink hot drinks) and I thought it was sweet how someone remembered how much I like him 🤣🤣🤣

a generic mug saying “worlds best coworker” is less thoughtful

also, sounds like OP’s husband spent quite a lot of money unless everyone else chipped in.

Yes, it would seem so in the bigger scheme of things,

He’s not a mind reader OP i suggest you tell him how this has made you feel and say you feea bit vulnerable by it all - good communication can hopefully bring you both closer (with an added benefit of more thoughtful gifts in future). From experience id also check his phone messages just to be sure nothing is going on

It sounds like he does buy some things you like but he hasn’t been switching it up. More likely sticking to what he knows other than being more thoughtful for someone else.

Original Northern soul record's can be pricey .I'm into Northern soul giving away a record unless it's a double could be a big deal.
Just knew it would be a female colleague.

Ah I see it was a cheapo at a tenner.

When OP says she only needs his time, and cannot say that she doesn’t like a particular perfume he bought for the second time. he probably didn't realise when the communication is so poor.

The record was also an old 7 single presumably one that’s maybe difficult to get hold of now. The fact it’s a special one from his personal collection is also telling.

So he pays attention the coffee his colleague drinks and buys some and that's nice. But when he buys you more of the product in the bathroom he knows you use, that's crap?

And he buys you a bottle of gin though you're not a big drinker (finish it slowly??), and it becomes a lovely bottle when it's for someone else?

Seems like your attitude, not his gift choosing.