Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

Omg what a cheeky bitch definitely go and see her face to face and make sure you tell dh you want gifts as good as she got. Do you think there are any feelings on his part?

It seems like your husband simply does not think you are that worth level of effort.

You should tell your H what inappropriate ex work colleague said. Tell him in no uncertain times that you are not happy! And def go to the next event.

I’d be furious with DH. Whatever he’s been doing, this woman thinks he wants to shag her.

So just a quick update. We went to the 60th birthday of a work colleague last night and my husband had this excolleague try to drape herself around him, she now works at a different school and so does he. She started the evening by hugging him and saying how much she missed him. Her husband was there and he ended up leaving early as he thought her behaviour was becoming outrageous by all accounts. My husband kept saying no and being with me and trying to talk to other people. She was drunk and I was annoyed her husband had left her. No one was sure how she was getting home and i dont think they cared. I called her a cab and put her in it. My husband said we should give her a lift and I said "no. She isnt our responsibility, ive made an adequate arrangement for her return home and now can you see how uncomfortable this behaviour has made me feel. She isnt your mum or a close friend, unless you want to tell me differently. I would appreciate you no longer having anything to do with her as she obviously has feelings for you that are more then friendly." He has agreed that seems to be the case.

It was very much, him being a nice guy (too nice) and it all being made into an attention seeking exercise by her.

Cringe

ive never thought of it in terms of him feeling safe and secure. I buy my DH gifts and he doesnt for me but I know im the less secure partner becsue ofmy trauma from childhood

Thanks for the update OP and yes, your Spidey senses were right. This relationship is completely inappropriate. He's had an emotional (if not physically) affair with her. Too many lines crossed. You have seen it with your own eyes. Time for him to end this friendship once and for all. It is absolutely not a normal colleague relationship. He needs to own it as such and not gaslight u. Definitely needs addressing.

Thank you. He has now moved jobs and went thru a mini depression that he would not be working with this woman anymore. I was furious and sat him down ans said I think you have been having an emotional affair. He thought I was mad. I pointed out all the small adjustments he had made to be around this woman and conceded that it was inappropriate and that if I had been acting like this with a man he would have been unhappy too. We have started counselling and I was suprised but pleased that the counsellor agrees with me. The other woman has moved to a different school and has started the same pattern with a different man. This has led to a lot of upset as the man's wife works in the same place. I have lots of contacts in different schools so ive heard. The difference is that the wife is a bit bonkers and has contacted this woman's husband and told him. So the poop has hit the fan so to speak

He has owned it. That's really good 😊. She sounds a wee vixen to be honest. Glad other wife is taking her on now and hopefully ur DH will have learnt a lesson.
Nothing wrong in spelling it out to him how hurt you feel, how he doesn't consider you worthy of making a fuss of and not to take you for granted.
And mean it and let him think about it. Then leave it and watch if he makes more of an effort. Feel for u OP. Virtual hug.

@Cecemonkeylou How are things a couple of months down the line? Has your dp seen the error of his ways, or is still pining?

Hi there, thank you for your check in message. So her husband has launched divorce proceedings and she has even tried to come to our home to try to pickup with my husband. My husband has realised what's gone on and that he was wrong. So at least things have calmed down some what. He no longer works in the same field and has spoken about some of his interactions with female colleagues and we are working thru with a therapist. He would not agree at first but has now.

Well now you know he doesn't like you OP...

Why do you say that?

He sounds absolutely awful.
I hope you see him a lot more clearly now.
You are far far too good for him.

Hi op at least he’s seen sense I hope it works out for you. It’s funny as there is another thread similar but it’s the woman buying a married man gifts and ringing & texting him out of works hours who also work in a school but this woman feels she has every right to contact him especially over the school holidays because he’s so nice and kind and is absolutely ignorant about his wife not being happy about there friendship. Her page is full now but she can’t or won’t see the wives point of view.

Can you link that thread please?

Colleagues wife upset our friendship Bingowashhisnameoh1 hi not sure how to link but the op is this and the title is colleagues wife upset about our friendship.

Gosh that does sound so similar. I will take a look.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5503388-colleagues-wife-upset-about-our-friendship-am-i-being-naive

Huge hugs.
A truly difficult time. I hope you are both able to work through it xx

Thank you for the link. Wow the poster has no idea about their actions. It sounds very similar to the situation at work my husband was part of creating. After reading that post, ive taken to him and asked him to read it. The part about buying him a dvd hit home as he bought the woman in my post a vinyl record and they are both teachers. At my current school, there are couples who have formed because of the long hours and feeling misunderstood by your partner.

I see you've fallen for the old 'he doesn't put the effort in for you because he feels so safe and secure with you! Awwww! Men, eh?' It's because they feel so safe and secure that they do those stinky farts at the dinner table! It's why they leave skiddies in the toilet - they're for you! It's why he picks his toes and leaves the bits on the carpet! This is such arrant nonsense and it's time that it was laid to rest ~ along with 'men just don't see dirt.'

I am so sorry he feels you're not worth the effort.