Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

You say this was the woman's leaving present.

Is he planning to stay in touch with her after she leaves? Because if he does it will tell you how much she means to him.

Yes that's what I think. It's a female older colleague

It’s never Dandruff Derek from accounts is it?

She's the other woman in his life that he spends time and effort on.

You're the woman he takes for granted and when you say something about his gifting, calls you horrible. That's uncalled for. Anyone would be curious to see their spouse giving gifts that showed pretty intimate knowledge of a coworkers likes. He's trying to shut you down.

He knows her coffee preferences. That's pretty intimate. He knows what music she likes and he's giving her his own record. When guys gave me their records, that was a big show of interest. He knows what alcohol she likes and her dietary preferences. So he knows what she likes to eat and drink and listen to and what band she likes

That's a hell of a lot to know about someone who is just a coworker so I would suspect it's gone a lot further. That's the kind of knowledge you have about very close long time friends or lovers.

It would be different if he was as thoughtful with you, but he is the opposite.

Just why is she leaving? How long has she worked there?

She is an older female colleague who is a bit mumsy to him. Yes I agree he seems to know a lot about her likes and dislikes. It bothers me

“She's the other woman in his life that he spends time and effort on”

and, it would seem, the only one he is keen to impress

Ok taking a step back. He bought you both gin. Does he think all women like gin? And the music thing is a red herring because he just knows she likes the same thing as him? Could be laziness to gift his own CD rather than thoughtful.

Well I don't think he has a crush on her in a romantic way, I think he views her like a mummy figure. I feel uncomfortable that she got all this thought and I don't. I just want his time

Whilst I 100% agree that the gift giving in the case of OPs husband is far far too personal for probably the vast majority of our likings I do disagree that having knowledge about colleagues to this degree is odd or telling. I work closely with about 20 men and 1 woman and manage a team of another 40 men. I could name food preferences, coffee preferences, drinks and definitely music for about 80% of them and them for me too. I just wouldn’t give out much thought into a gift for them!

We have 2 kids, because my husband is so very crap with presents I buy for the kids and he earns more then me. He works 5 days and I work 4 days now but a lower banding. It felt like a kick in the teeth that he can buy a thoughtful gift that makes someone feel, seen and heard and noted.

How mumsy is she? I wonder if this is the only 7 incher he wants to give her.

Regardless of whether he fancies this woman or not, the fact is that he is certainly capable of buying thoughtful presents but chooses not to for you. That’s what I would focus on in your shoes.

He fancies her and I knew it before you said it was a woman. He needs to be held to account. You’re horrible?! He’s embarrassing and has a cheek

I don't know. If I have a drink I usually have a gin and tonic. I don't know what this colleague likes but I can imagine gin as he seems to know a lot about her likes and dislikes.

How much older is she OP? Your dh seems very defensive - overly defensive - for this to be just a mummy figure as you currently think.

He definitely fancies her. Sorry, OP.

What? From his own personal record collection, which could be vinyl not CD. That's not a typical corporate leaving gift. They all sound thoughtful for someone one knows quite well; not necessarily intimate though.

Oh that made me lol, erm she is late 50s, tubby (overweight according to him) and a bit wet sounding on the phone. She buys him vegan cakes from coop that she knows he likes.

Yep vinyl not cd. It just seems very personal. Too personal and I think wtf.

If he has the CD, it saves him buying a second one.

Oh don't be naive @Cecemonkeylou Of course he fancies her. He would not be lavishing gifts on her if he didn't. And I bet she is not tubby and 'wet' and unnappealing as he is trying make out! He fancies her/likes her!

Have you actually seen her in person?

I’m not saying he’s cheated, but he definitely fancies / has a crush on her for sure. If she’s leaving it’s probably for the best. I would ask him if he plans to keep in touch with her.

I think we all knew the answer to that before you posted it.
This is your love actually Joni Mitchell CD moment

Feels like this colleague thing is a bit of a last straw situation, OP. You obviously feel starved of love and care from him. Time to think about marriage counselling?