Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

I worked at my husband's current workplace. I left at Christmas 2 years ago and then she started in a support role after my friend left who worked in the same role. This woman only does 2 days and is going off to do a full time role at a different place and my husband is leaving this workplace in 2 wks time

Why haven't you mentioned to him that you don't like the perfume he buys?
You only want to have his time? He probably thinks he is the gift.

Yeah it'd bother me as well

As a vinyl geek myself I would have to be very attached to someone to gift them a record from my own collection. It's a really personal gift and if a man did this for me I would definitely wonder if they had romantic intentions.

You're DH's reaction (he called you "horrible"??) is also not proportionate and seems extremely defensive.

Is this really worth getting worked up about? She’s leaving. He’s moving on too. Book cinema tickets and go for a pub tea with your husband and have fun to celebrate his new job. Tell him his turn next month. Set the tone. Next time you have to shop for the kids do it together.

Fat women can also be attractive OP.

Oh gosh I know. I'm using his words not mine. Quick reply and not well put

Yabu. He buys you presents he thinks you like. It’s easy to buy something meaningful for a colleague you know well but rarely buy for. More difficult to h think of new inventive gifts for a spouse. He remembers your birthday and gets you something. This is real life Notting the hallmark channel! Tell him if you don’t like the gifts or want something else.

Oh a personal item from his collection… alarm bells! And the reaction from him when you brought it up?

Time to pull back OP. Less available. Focus on you. Literally drop the rope.

What’s his relationship with his mother like?

Also want to add my seemingly very decent husband bought me the wrong fragrance, despite very clear instruction and item, they are limited beasts men. Unless…

I have, when I opened the perfume I said, oh I already have a boxed unopened one from Christmas. I thought he would offer to swap it but didn't.

I mean that doesn’t say “I don’t like it” that just says “I’ll use it when I finish the other one”

equally plausible he spent five mins on Amazon prime ordering the gin and coffee and threw in an old vinyl for her as it was easy / minimal effort!

Don’t get jealous. If you want more time book in a date night. Some men are just not very proactive sadly.

This is why me and my partner just tell each other what gifts we want

Is there any way it was a team effort & others have had input into the choice of gifts OP? Cld he just be the one wrapping it all up etc? It sounds like he shares music in common with this colleague if he’s selected a record from his own personal collection. So you cld forgive him that bcos if that’s something he’s into it’s maybe an easy & not necessarily all that thoughtful a thing for him to have come up with? If he’d given you one of his own records as a gift surely you’d see that as him not even making any effort whatsoever to even buy you your own new one?? Also you say he bought them a “lovely bottle of gin” which he also bought you for your birthday. Maybe it was a different or nicer brand but why is that better when bought for the colleague but not when it’s bought for you? To me that smacks of him not being all that thoughtful for them bcos he’s bought it for you already so it’s easy & a lazy choice. You say it’s “lovely” but will the colleague think it is? Why wasn’t the one he bought you “lovely” then? Also you say he got you a beauty product you already have & an extra one. That to me says he’s looked at what you use & like & thought oh you like that I’ll get you another - rather than buying you something you don’t like or use. So some thought has gone into that. Don’t mean to be devil’s advocate just wondering if you’re seeing all these gifts as being a lot more wow than they actually are & not evidence of him being as thoughtful as you think?

It might be that he’s aware that his gift will be subject to scrutiny by the rest of his team -unlike any gifts he would normally give to you. And why he’s maybe invested more effort? I guess we’re all concerned how we’re perceived by others but I can see how it would hurt thinking he cares more about what colleagues think as opposed to his own DW. A lot of men IME are notoriously shit at gift buying, dinners out or thoughtful things, trips away etc with their partners. They buy logical things - hence your beauty product that he sees you using or the notorious electronic gadgets or kitchen items that can cause so much annoyance!! They can do it performatively in other areas of life like at work but not with their own - bcos ultimately they’e lazy, don’t think the same way & don’t feel like they really need to. Also I don’t think a lot of men feel the same about gifts in general as women do. We see it as a gesture of what we mean to them, how much we’re appreciated or what might make us feel happy, loved etc. I think for a lot of men gift buying is a task that just has to be completed. If you use x then you’ll like more of the same. If your old one is broken I’ll get you a new one type thing. Says a lot about the men in my life!

Hmm, unavailable is how I would describe her. Lots of babies, my husband is a middle child. Lots of having to get on and do things yourself

Maybe it’s a surrogate mother type thing. Doesn’t make it nicer for you but just wondering if that’s what’s behind it. Attention from a mum type figure.

So I read through all of that post thinking "his approach doesn't necessarily sound so different", his colleague may also find the gifts thoughtless. And then you said he described you as "horrible". That's just appalling. I'd be much more concerned about that than the gifts, especially as he may be able to claim them back on expenses//fund them through a collection.

Oh shoot just read the rest of the thread!!
Don’t think she’s a threat - men and their hobbies & interests - just sounds like she was into same as him. And he’s a lazy (typical) male.

Yes that's what I thought rather then romantic. She has been mentioned before as being nice to him and some of his team aren't

Does he work solo, or is he part of a team? Just wondering if he might have used the hive mind to come up with it rather than coming up with it all on his own?

Knew from the op it was a female. Sorry op, he's performing for her/the team because he cares what they think about him. Possible he also fancies her.

Sounds like he needs/enjoys her kindness and wants to reciprocate.

Does he plan on keeping in touch with her now she’s leaving?