Husband has bought a lovely thoughtful gift for a colleague but is rubbish at gift giving for me.

[Cecemonkeylou]

Hi all, my husband has never been great with gifts in the 24 yrs we have been together. I have dropped hints, asked outright for what I would like, all I really want is his time and effort. If he booked dinner out and the cinema or theatre then I would be happy. I would feel seen.

Last night he was packing up one of his teams leaving present. It was so very thoughtful. A mug of a band they like, a badge that went with it, a set of gluten free treats he had selected, a record from his personal music collection, a lovely bottle of gin and a really nice coffee that he knows they buy for work. I looked and saw this lovely thoughtful set of gifts and had to leave the room and hide as I wanted to burst into tears.

why or how can he be so thoughtful with gifts for others but not me?
For my birthday he bought a pack of peanut bars (that I hate l), a bottle of gin (nice but I'm not a big drinker) and a beauty product that I already have in the bathroom and a spare one of the same. He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like and it sits in the packaging for 6 mths before I open it as I already have the last one on the go.
I was quiet thru the evening and he asked what was wrong. I didn't scream or shout, I just said that I was hurt that he could be so thoughtful and kind to someone else but not me. That I crave that thoughtfulness. I will often book a theatre ticket for my birthday as I really love going out. He said I'm horrible. Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t see how any more thoughtful the colleague’s gift is to yours? The mug & badge are totally generic work type gifts. He prob thought that’s not enough for such a well thought of member of staff. So just kept adding on stuff he knows she likes. GF food (bcos she got him vegan stuff previously) coffee & gin are hardly thoughtful & again very much office type gifts. And didn’t even buy her a new record as they share same taste in music.
If he’d bought her perfume, jewellery or a weekend away somewhere then I think you’d have more cause for concern.

I think you are massively blowing things out of proportion, acting like a jealous child, it is clear your husband treats you, comparison is the thief of joy. He has clearly bonded with his colleague, it doesn't have to be sexual or a competition.
My DH recently bought his manager, who he was very close with a gift when she was leaving, she was a great support to him, training him in.
I'm sure if there was anything sinister your DH would hide the gift.

I would be upset too OP. It sounds like he really tried to get her things she likes and put in effort while he just gets you the same things all the time with no thought. He isn't investing in you the same way. Calling you horrible is out of order. A good partner would talk to you about it. His defensiveness is a red flag OP but why. Is he mad because he knows what you say is true or is there something else going on. I would find out.

Op- did everyone contribute to this gift and maybe give your H the list of things to get from the shops? And he only chipped in the record?

Other than the music it doesn’t sound that thoughtful - a mug and badge, the coffee she already has on a regular basis doesn’t scream quality

The team isn't that nice. There was a collection and £10 was collected from other people. He then sorted out the rest of the money. Let's put it this way when I.left the same work place I got a gift voucher not a gift that requires lots of thought

I think OP was being a bit horrible, he done a nice thing for someone and you are upset.

You admitted that you don't tell him that the perfume he buys is wrong.

There was plenty of opportunities for this to come up, the goodness is now gone from the gift.

A £10 collection for someone leaving is poor , maybe he chucked in extra to boost it up.
Again op has said the record wasn't a valuable original it is an easily gotten cheapo for 10 quid.
Serious collectors of Northern soul record's generally don't give away rare originals.

Those gifts for his colleague don't sound particularly thoughtful to me at all? It's just generic stuff really, which was pretty easy and quick to come up with?

I'm quite confused about how much is being made of how one of his own, used records from his general collection is thoughtful.

It sounds like when my brother gave me dvds he'd already watched (without me) and finished with for my birthday, so he didn't have to go out last minute and spend money.

I hate to be cynical, but do you actually know that she is older and tubby? Have you met her?

Because record collections are usually meaningful to people?

Because it’s likely an original record worth quite a lot of money or hard to get now (unless you don’t mind buying a repress). It’s super thoughtful.

To be honest - the gift he bough are generic.

Have you actually met this 'overweight, unattractive, older, mumsie' type woman or is this just how he's described her to you??
Funny how the very person they get mentionitis over at work always seems to fit this 'stereotype'.....
Be very careful OP; I fear you're being gaslighted the script!

Or he's said that to throw you off the scent.

Plus those descriptors don’t mean someone won’t cheat with them, why would they. Men just love having adoring attention from a woman. They love fat thin old young.
And she’s only 10 years older, how is that a mumsy gap? If the sexes were reversed would a 45 year old woman never cheat with a 55 year old man?

Exactly my point!
They say what they think their partner/wife wants to hear to act as a deterrent!

Exactly.. they think we’re idiots, when infact women are the most instinctive detectives always looking out for red flags.

But did your Dh also buy lovely thoughtful gifts for a colleague?

Sometimes it is sheer luck that you can buy a great gift for a friend or colleague-there was once a perfume released by a singer my friend loved that came out just before her birthday, when my boss's first kid was born, a song came out that was sweet and appropriate to give right after the birth, by an artist he and his partner both loved-it was long enough ago we boght the CD to go with more typical baby presents. In both cases, it was just absolute luck that the gift was "perfect".
I generally find it hard as many people just buy themselves what they want (obviously not super rich stuff, I don't know anyone that rich), but when we were all younger, I found it easier. Now usually they've bought the perfume/tickets/make-up/chocolates or whatever.

I second what most other posters are saying. But if he does have a crush, he likely will deny it anyway.

This. Of course a man isn't going to admit to his wife/gf that he fancies another woman.

I’d be hurt as well. It’s not what he’s bought that’s the problem, but the effort and thought that’s gone into it.

"He often buys me a perfume that he thinks I like"

I'm guessing you have not been outright with your likes and dislikes. I prefer more practical gifts - I once asked for a 2nd dish washer! He seems to be buying things he thinks you will like - you drink gin so he's bought you gin? Just tell him what you want no more hints.

By the way you have no idea she might not like his choices either - I have a million mugs we all do so I never think mugs are a great gift.