Asking a child’s mother to pay for replacement pastry?!

[HeatingFiddler]

Yesterday at my local coffee shop/bakery I had my pastry on a tray on the counter and was waiting for my coffee. In front of me was a mum with two kids.

One of the kids was fairly young and kept touching everything including glass cabinets, tables, chairs, the self-serve cutlery. She also kept putting her fingers in her mouth and hair. As kids do.

Anyway. She suddenly grabbed my pastry! I shrieked (probably an over reaction, but god the child has literally just shove her fingers in her mouth moments before). Kids mum turned around and asked what the problem was. I said that her child had just touched my pastry, after putting her fingers in her mouth.
And she said, ‘oh. Kids will be kids. I’m sure it’s fine.’

Obviously, I said, ‘kids will not just be kids. It’s unhygienic and poor /parenting and I would like for you to buy me a replacement.’

She said ‘if it’s that big of an issue I’m sure you can ask the staff for a new one.’

At this point a member of staff arrived. I explained the situation and said, ‘I don’t think a replacement should come from you. This happened because the child was not being supervised. The child’s mother should pay.’

Anyway, in the end the child’s mother agreed to pay and she took the one her child had touched and they ate it and then left.

Was I being unreasonable to say the mother should pay and to refuse to eat the pastry after that? I genuinely don’t think The coffee shop should have had to front a replacement either - it wasn’t their error!

For me it would depend on the parents attitude. If they had been apologetic and told the child off my defenses would have been lowered but if she said kids will be kids my hackles would have risen

OP mentioned poor parenting because the stupid woman said 'kids will be kids'. I wouldn't want someone's grubby hands over my food, especially as the kid had their fingers in their mouth, and the mother dismissing it would have annoyed me as well.

@Hallebere she said, 'kids will be kids,' and then went to turn back around again. That's what really got me. It was really dismissive.

If it had been my child, I would have been absolutely mortified.

Not the point though. The point is entitled parenting, expecting other people to give ground. Just like prams on narrow pavements - I always step off to allow passage, but very rarely get a thank you. Just as an example. Parenting takes effort.

Have you never heard of stomach acid? It’s evolved over thousands of years to kill viruses…

also come off it. What the odds of a child having GF at that particular moment.

Honestly mumsnetters are really poor at risk assessment when it comes to germs.

I’m not remotely germ-phobic but I wouldn’t want to eat a pastry that someone else’s kid had grabbed immediately after having her fingers in her mouth any more than I’d want to eat a pastry that an adult had just spat on.

As for ‘What do think would happen?’ there are numerous possibilities ranging from ‘nothing’ to ‘a serious gastrointestinal bug’. Most likely it would be nothing, but who knows and who wants to play Russian roulette with a stranger’s saliva? Not me.

Most people wouldn't want to eat food that had been pawed over by someone else or contained the saliva of another person. It's a normal human reaction, even though we know that it probably won't cause us any harm. Surely you must have heard of it before?

Just wondering if I meet OPs poor parenting standards because my DC is a lot older, but agreed derailing of the highest order.

Of course it does, but sometimes that effort leaves you running on empty and none of us knows exactly what goes on!

That said, I do my best to always say thankyou to people in these situations!

So if an adult stranger came over and gobbed on to your sandwich, you’d just eat it, would you?

You don't think is poor parenting on the other mum's part?

Yeah because that’s the same 🙄

Okay.

You said the behaviour described was confrontational, not polite behaviour (you described staying quiet as polite), but that it was okay and warranted in the circumstances. And that people shouldn’t say nothing in this sort of instance. All fine.

I was just pointing out that OP does think her behaviour polite, so you’re not exactly representing her position.

Obviously not anywhere close to societal breakdown, but it does seem to me that her judgement is a bit off.

And, yes, you can insist politely, but it generally doesn’t involve shrieking and accusations of poor parenting!

@CreteBound

You do realise how glandular fever is passed on don’t you? Why take any risks?

@Dominoeffecter

spit is spit at the end of the day.

No one gobbed on her pastry, you’re just being dramatic.

I don’t know! I wasn’t there! Regardless of whether it was or it wasn’t, to be publicly called out on your parenting is actually
humiliating, it obviously caused a scene because staff had to get involved!
I absolutely would have replaced the pastry by the way but I would not have appreciated the rudeness of the op calling my parenting poor!

@CreteBound

the risks might be small but I don’t wanna take any risks. Glandular fever has been linked to MS, the Epstein Barr virus etc. the mother just needs to put her hand in her pocket and buy Op a new pastry - end of.

@Dominoeffecter

if there was spit aka gob on the child’s hands and she then immediately touched OP’s pastry then yes there is gob on her pastry

Stretching a bit here to make excuses for this mother, aren't we? Even if it had been a rough day, would that have prevented her from apologising and paying for it? If it had been a bad day, I'd be inclined to go home. Not to a cafe where there's more opportunity for a child to run amok.

You said the behaviour described was confrontational, not polite behaviour (you described staying quiet as polite)

Where did I say this?

How do you manage to be so simultaneously passive and entitled? If I’d read the room as you’ve described, I’d be keeping my tray secure.

But she did pay for it!

It's not really the point though is it. Yes the chances are the Op would probably have Been fine eating the pastry
But if I'm going to treat myself to a pastry I don't want someone else's child's grubby little fingers all over it ,you might be fine with that but most ( outside of the munsnet bubble) wouldn't be.

You were being reasonable up to the point you decided who should pay.
that mum was most likely doing her best.
if you were getting a replacement, it shouldn’t matter who it came from, the coffee shop let kids in, they need to take some responsibility.

Edited to ask- if you watched all this, why not lift your tray up. So child couldn’t get it.