Gender swap situation

[TenThousandYears]

I know you're all probably fed up hearing about this subject...I just need to vent.

DD has been friends with "Sally" for 10 years. (Both 14) Since nursery. In the last few months Sally has decided to change gender and now wants to be called " Ron"

DD just can't wrap her head around this. If she slips up, she gets nasty looks from "Ron" and so she's treading on eggshells.

Ron's brother still refers to Ron as Sally so DD is very confused by it all.

I'm on DDs side. Personally, I would hate to be in her shoes right now. I think if you meet someone and are introduced to them as whomever then that's easier to accept than having to change names and pronouns of someone you've been friends with for 10 years. On TV shows people just accept this straight away and move on but I'm not convinced that it's really that easy.

I also think 14 is a bit young for these changes but that's just my personal opinion.

Are me and my child horrible people for not being able to accept this right away?

But can you not see how wrong that is? Believe this thing I believe (despite it having no basis in reality), or you'll have no friends. With friends like that...

Would you also start paying your taxes towards her highness's fund?

I just don't understand why it would cause such stress to use someone's chosen name and to me I can't see why the OPs daughter needs to use her friends pronouns to her. Just use her chosen name, it will probably take a few days for it to become second nature.

We might have views about the rights and wrongs of a child choosing to identify as the opposite gender/sex but honestly using someone's name really doesn't need to be some huge issue. To be honest it feels like this is just being hijacked to make some point.

I realise I might be influenced by sixty years of being called a name I hate, it is visceral and is like a punch in the stomach every bloody time they do it and family members who were born after my decision still choose to use the name I hate. It feels spiteful and vindictive.

I think this is a very problematic message to be sending to a young girl.

No one has to be friends with anyone. They can retreat from any friendship, for any reason. Anything else props be deeply unhealthy.

I agree with you on the name.

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't cause others real issues.

Try thinking through things from a different point of view. Not everyone is the same.

I'll DM my back details. Ta.

Mainly because it's never just a name change. You also have to change the pronouns you use. You have to start treating them like they're a boy in all respects, which means letting vulnerable girls into male changing rooms, denying the actual reality of the situation as you see it, etc. If you accidentally slip up, you're labelled a bigot. I personally have no problem using a new name, but it's never that simple.

What is so important about calling someone Sally if they'd like to be called Ron? Would you really deliberately hurt a friend for the sake of using Sally? Not much of a friendship.

I can't see anything about changing rooms and as I've said how often do you use pronouns when talking to a friend. Use the name someone chooses without using all sorts of reasons why it is so vital to use the name Sally.

I've said several times I would use a preferred name, but not pronouns, because they are problematic. The same could be said of the trans friend. Would they really lose a friend because she sometimes slips and uses the wrong name or pronoun? Grace should be given in both directions. No one should be bullied into doing or saying anything they don't believe or feel comfortable with. But, somehow it's always one side's needs and wants that are given priority.

You honestly think it stops with the name change? And AGAIN, I've said several times I would personally use a preferred name.

Believe me you have no idea of the real issues caused by insisting someone else has to use a name they reject because you think they should. How about they decide you should have a different name maybe Fatty or Hitler? It's OK isn't it because it isn't up to you is it?

Well use the name and deal with issues if and when they occur. They might not and to be honest I think Ron is more likely to push the issue if you make an issue if it.

No one's insisting that person has to use the name we say they do, just that you can't force other people to call you what they want, and maybe you should have some grace if they forget or slip and call you by your old name.

I mean, we're in agreement there. My problem is Ron shouldn't get to insist on anything any more than her friends should get to insist what Ron calls themself, and OP did say Ron gets pissy about pronouns too, which is what I was talking about.

I can't see any claim that Ron is going to end the friendship just that the OPs DD feels she's getting nasty looks.

But OP's worried that's what will happen, and you know, there's tons of examples of trans people doing just that, so it's a valid worry even if it turns out not to be the case. She shouldn't even be giving dirty looks really, though, because we're all human and we all make mistakes.

Wel in sixty years no one in my birth family has used my chosen name so it is definitely taking time for them to adjust, maybe they could have the grace to make a bit of a.n effort.

I said, it goes both ways, so yes, I agree.

Of course, some people will choose not to use a new name because they don't agree with your choice or they're stubborn or they want to make a point or whatever, and that is their right, however much you might disagree or think they're being dickheads or whatever.

Then again, my grandma called me by my sister's name pretty much every time I saw her, and I didn't get upset or give her dirty looks or threaten to cut her off. It just wasn't a big deal. Okay, I probably did roll my eyes once or twice, but I knew who I was and what my name was, so I can't say I was genuinely that bothered.

Is she giving dirty looks or is she maybe uncomfortable with the name and that is being interpreted as a dirty look? Maybe just being honest and saying I'm getting used to calling you Ron but if I slip up it isn't deliberate. There's an old saying "don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you". Deal with other issues if and when they occur.

Well, we're all talking hypothetically, aren't we, because we don't know the full situation. Thing is, I know for a fact (and experience) that many trans people (not all of course) will not accept you saying that to them, and if you get their name wrong at all, they will go mad at you and label you a bigot. So, I understand why OP and her daughter are treading on eggshells. Any indication at all that you do not truly believe they have changed sex, and they will go mad.

You seem to have misunderstood me, that was sarcasm. I don't think it's needed (or even a good idea, tbh) at all - I was commenting that the pp sounded like a Daily Mail reader although I'll probably have the thought police on me again for repeating that opinion.

No they are being rude. Don't use a name I reject, you don't really need to use names much and it is easily avoided unless you are being a dick and deliberately using it. Where has it said Ron is threatening to cut her off or get upset?

Yes, but it's their right to be rude if they want to. You can't stop people from being rude.

I didn't say it had said that, I said people are worried that's what will happen because it so often does. reading comprehension does not seem to be your strong point. I said we're all dealing in hypotheticals.