To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

Milk in a spray bottle and sprayed generously around the house and one furniture. I saw this post from a lawyer who does a whole Instagram thing about “legal revenge” 😅

however I wouldn’t advise it

If there's a macerator toilet pour copious amounts of bleach down so it wears out faster

Fish in/behind the radiators. Milk sprayed in carpets and fixtures and fittings.

Sew mustard and cress seeds in the carpets then water them in well.

Prawns tucked into the hem of curtains.

A friend of mine picked the hems on her partners T-shirts. He was a gym bro and taking a huge amount of steroids so as he got bigger they would’ve just fallen apart. She also unplugged the freezer on her way out so his protein packed meal prep was ruined

was just going to say this 😂

I went to school with a girl who smashed all the handles off the mugs when she left her arsehole bf LOL

Instant mash on lawn..when it rains it swells 😂😂

I quietly fantasise about letting down my former boss’ tyres. I’d never actually do it but it makes me smile to think about it.

Definitely dairy related

whenever somethings gone off in my fridge and stinks it’s milk or cheese.

so pour some milk around the house and let it curdle

Put an advert on gumtree for everything in his shed and garden.
e.g LAWNMOWER FREE TO COLLECT.
I am working so please help yourself by this weekend. The address is 1 Streety Street, Town, County.

Take the lightbulbs when you move out, and any fixtures and fittings that aren't named as part of the move

Take all the light switches off and put them back on upside down

A friend called immigration when she knew her ex was flying. Said he might be smuggling drugs. He got a full body cavity search.

Take all light bulbs.

Turn off anything you can at the mains, ie water/electricity (not amazing revenge, but might take a while to work out).

If you've got floorboards anywhere you could get all sorts of smelly nasties in there. Tin of tuna anyone?

If the garden's decent, dig up any plants and take them with you. If it's not, weedkiller the lawn etc.

Love this. It's great.

I once put a pack of raw mince behind a wardrobe in a rented house when the landlord refused to give me my deposit back.

This is terrible and you should all be ashamed!! Tut, tut...carry on! 😂

Take the fuses out of the fuse board and lose them

Introduce bats or rodents into the attic.

Bird food for pigeons (if you have a garden) they shit everywhere

Apply for travel visas with his passport details and tick "yes" on all the boxes asking about criminal convictions, being a member of outlawed groups, doing time in jail etc. He'll never be able to travel to any of the visa-required countries you applied to and will never understand why.

Go to your local fishing supplies store and buy a shit load of maggots. Put generous piles in places like under stairs cupboards, attic, behind bath panels, and in a few days the house will be filled with flies.

Fill a fairy liquid bottle with bleach and write, in huge letters, filthy obscenities in the lawn. The words will take a couple of weeks to fully emerge and will be impossible to get rid of.

Buy tinned tuna in oil and pour the oil in room corners. It will be virtually invisible and will stink to high heavens. Make yourself a nice sandwich with the tuna.

I had a horribly abusive, vile boss once. I developed a nasty cold one winter, and when he was out I took the mug he used to make tea and licked all round the rim of it several times in the hope it would make him sick.

Might have been a coincidence, but he did indeed catch my cold. This was pre covid days when I didn't think much of spreading my germs around.

Wipe petrol on the gas hob......

I'm feeling exceptionally hormonal today....

I'll leave quietly...

I think I love you! ❤️😂

I once worked at a stately house and when a gardener was made redundant, we discovered the following spring, that during his notice period, he had left a very rude message, in crocus bulbs on the front lawn. It was brilliant.