To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

Plant Japanese knotweed.
Plant bamboo .
Buy rats and put them in attic.
Hide fish where you can.
Pour hot fat/grease down the sink.
Send a cocky rude letter introducing yourself as a new neighbour from him.

I love the paedo idea.
Even better wait until he moves to his new place.

Let the dust settle for a month or two.
Then call or email crimestoppers and tell them he is downloading or distributing illegal images of minors.

The police will be duty bound to investigate and will likely take phones laptops etc.
This is extreme though and should only be used if the person was a real twat or a domestic abuser.

Was he a butcher ? 🤣🤣

The life sized cut out is brilliant and totally legal.

We have a cut out in the cellar at work of a famous sportsman from a promo a couple of months ago (no idea why my boss hasnt binned it but hey ho). My colleague returned today after finishing Uni for the summer, didnt know about it and screamed the place down when she went in and saw it.

It really threw her, poor thing. I was very sympathetic and moved it so it didnt happen again (we have a couple of returners over the next couple of weeks). Scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it out in full view in the pub!

But a manky pair of arseholes who no one likes? I would go full on horror character.....like a Mummy or Nosferatu or someone with a massive axe ready to strike, something like that.

I rather think he worked for his majesty's constabulary!

I wonder how many times this thread has been bookmarked.

Buy a different variety of grass seeds and plant them in a rectangle shape about 6 x 2ft. Bonus points if it’s visible from the main bedroom window.

Leave a typed note, folded and a bit crumpled , down the back of a shelf or cupboard, as if it had slipped down there, but sticking out a bit so it will be found, saying “[Ex’s name] I know what you did. You won’t get away with it”

Leave an infrasound generator under the floorboards in the bedroom. Bonus points if you can find one with a timer to prolong the battery life as long as possible.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Carpet moths are almost impossible to get rid of, short of removing all the carpets and fumigating the house.

An ex of mine had a very unfortunate trip to the clap clinic owing to extreme burning sensations on his penis.

It turned out he’d been chopping chillies by hand, gave hands a cursory wash, and then went for wee (or possibly … more ;))

It always struck me that scotch bonnets were a gift to womankind, harmless long term, uncomfortable and embarrassing short term.

Loosen the screws in a couple of the floorboards in high traffic areas to cause them to creak.
Apply wax or grease to the odd window pane (leaving the rest clear) some inside some outside. Wd40 on mirrors
Bat poo in the attic and report it! Especially if they are planning a loft extention
Dribble proper perfume down the backs of radiators or sprinkle on carpets - my toddler dd spilt Chanel No 5 on herself and the carpet. When the clothes were washed and ironed the smell was reactivated for months and I had to replace the carpet.
Accidental small spills of shampoo/body wash on the carpet. It dries stiff and foams nicely when you try to clean it.
Grit under external doors, scratches tiles and wooden floors and makes a noise.
Wait 6 months or so then send a glitter bomb.

A police officer.

Like your style 😉

You could send a smelly package. https://www.sendshit.co.uk

This thread has just made my whole day 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Loving these ideas 😂

Cheaper and more effective. Balance an open tub of glitter on the loft hatch as you carefully close it.

Get a load of cheap fire alarms, and the cheapest batteries you can find (or old ones, even better).

Hide them anywhere really hard to find. Corners of loft, behind water tank, behind kitchen cupboards, under stairs, under floorboard etc. You get the drift.

At some point those smoke alarms are going to run down, and then they are going to start beeping intermittently for a minutes for absolutely ages. And the fucker will drive himself mad trying to find them.

Slightly more involved. Pee into a narrow nozzeled bottle ( like a squeezy ketchup bottle) so you can write a rude word on the carpet in urine. ( You may need a jug here) Let it dry. Change the bulb in the room for a blacklight.

When he turns the light on ..voila !!! It will glow

You can put a wireless doorbell receiver anywhere you want. Then press the bell part every time you drive past the house.

I reckon gorilla glue would make that process quicker

I heard of someone - back when Game of Thrones was on and it was the season finale.

Their ex had been watching it via their subscription and they allowed it. Apparently he has a group of people over to watch the finale.

They cancelled the subscription an hour before the show aired.

Hide sausages in the hem of curtains or if you can any crevice they won’t be found and they will stink up a place.
sign him up for any email spam you can, also gyms in the area, Mormons, whatever.

This is my real kicker - gumtree add advertising loads of Rangers merch (you can find pics online) and say you’re giving it away because Celtic are doing better. Select football teams that are appropriate for your area. Add their number. You can also do gumtree adds for free warhammer stuff, free puppies, but the football one… that will take them down. I know someone who had to change his number.

Preferably dog/fox/cat poo due to DNA.

Keep turning water off outside if they have this. Fleas/moths/bedbugs through the letterbox. I knew some mad women who fell out & put snakes and rats through each others letterboxes. For nightmare loud neighbours from hell; Audio drone angled towards roof, play horrible loud death metal or any shitty music of choice until they shut the hell up. For nasty partners, slice a small razor cut in clothes and every time it's washed the holes and fray will get worse or splash with battery acid. Super Glue tyre valve then tyres won't be able to be inflated. There's some good ones on here!