To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

When I caught my ex-partner being unfaithful I cut the buttons off every piece of clothing he owned and left them all in a small bag with some thread, a sewing needle and a quiz asking: Who will deal with this mess? A1: Mummy (but I will have to confess I’ve been a shit) A2: OW (pro: can frame ex as unhinged con: will she question why I can’t sew buttons and I reveal myself as a misogynist twit) A3: Myself (but I have to actually do “woman” work and that’s really, really hard for me and btw what’s this little shiny pointy thing actually for?)

Just to add I did this late Sunday and he had work the next day. Lots of buttons on bespoke suits and shirts.

Everything left hanging up beautifully, just a small bag left on the kitchen table to discover after he’d tried to get dressed Monday morning.

Weedkiller a jizzing cock in the front lawn. With the kind of weedkiller that's designed to kill brambles. They'll have to dig the lawn up to get rid of it.

Found this one out the hard way when I accidentally spilt a bottle of weedkiller on the grass.

Imagined: skin them alive then roll them in salt. About 5 times a day for at least a month 😇

@FrenchTucked I'm in the same position. I won't DO anything as I know that, one day, they will get their just desserts. I think about it though!

When my father left my mother for her best friend (my poor mum - some people are just beyond vile); as revenge she used safety pins to secure a bag of kippers between the lining of his winter coat (it was July). Just inspirational level of brilliant pettiness.

I deal mainly in pettiness.

When my ex husband and I separated, he stupidly left me logged into the Hive and Alexa lights.

Sometimes I’d randomly treat him to 9pm bright pink lights. Or turn the heating on full whack when he was at work.

I did also remove a few pieces from his prized built LEGO sets.

I let him watch all but one episode of a series, and then changed the Amazon Prime password.

Revenge was a dish best served mildly irritated.

Go onto eBay and buy 200 random old keys and those little plastic 10p key rings
write if lost please call and his mobile number on all the key rings then lose them far and wide!
hide them all over so just when he thinks it’s died down he will get another well meaning call about his key

Oh! I also gave him the login details for our milk delivery service, didn’t do anything else to help him, and then sat back while he collected milk that he was positively overwhelmed by.

He brought it in the house for 6 months and just left it in the fridge festering, like he’d never encountered a sink or a bin, and so was personally victimised by a milkman delivering him dairy he didn’t need for half a year.

If only there were websites where you could buy a myriad assortment of creepy crawlies and scatter them in discreet places such as the attic, behind skirting boards, under floorboards, in air vents etc.

https://bugpets.co.uk/

https://www.bugzuk.com/

Huge bag of glitter. Paint glitter is best as it's fine and powdery. Dump through letterbox in dead of night followed by the business end of a leafblower. Wakes them with a fright and they'll be hoovering for weeks.

Set the central heating on high for 2am - 6am.

You would need to do stuff that is annoying but plausible rather than stuff that will rebound on you or is dangerous.

Like turning off the water and draining the system. Turning off the boiler. Taking your batteries out of the door bell/heating control. Take anything you have paid for especially in the garden. Collect dud lightbulbs from your friends and family and leave just a few working bulbs. Switch the electric off at the mains. Let the hedge grow. Let the lawn grow. Fill the recycling bin and rubbish bin up.

Take the bins with you…

Loosen the ball cock arm in header tank slightly as you leave, it will break causing a flood from above
ditto waste pipe under bath, may take a while to be noticed
again as you leave cling film over all the toilet bowls!

If one of the selling points is the garden, salt it.

Nothing will ever grow again.

I’d like to be a mediaeval witch with associated powers. Nothing outrageous but just the ability to cause erectile dysfunction, boils, crows harassing you whenever you leave the house, baldness, crop failure in really extreme situations. Obviously I would never reveal myself so my victims would just have to wonder why their life had suddenly turned to crap in a low key way. Even if they did suspect me, it’s the 21st century! No one would believe I was a witch.

If I couldn’t invoke the supernatural then I’d remember my mum, who once painstakingly took 20 JPS out of a packet, pierced each with a needle in the filter, and replaced them stealthily, so my dad couldn’t get a drag.

I’m crying laughing 😂

I wouldn’t do this… But it was suggested to me.

Sign up for ALL the spam, junk and nonsense. In their names. Anything demeaning and annoying. Penis enlargement, penguin bollards, timeshares, anyone who will never ever give up.

Instant coffee in the toilet cistern and tea leaves in the shower head.

Put his email into any and every ad you get on social media. I've been getting frcking solar panel calls for eons...

Glitter all over everything especially carpets.
Go to all local jehovas witness halls and give address asking to be called on when you know he'll be in.

For extreme pettiness, replace all the light bulbs with really low wattage shitty ones. A nod to the original gaslighting.

"Pierce his tea bags so he has annoying tea bits in his drink"

I've never heard this one before and made me laugh. This would make me furious 🤣🤣

Take one shoe from every pair he has

Take the microwave turntable

Sponsor a pig in his name and name it after him . He’ll get 3 monthly updates on how the pig is doing

Rub sugar and water all over the kitchen counters so there all sticky

Put out a gumtree ad for something ridiculously cheap like a games console or a nice watch and state ‘calls only please’ and put his number on it

Take all the forks

Put prawns behind the fridge . The fridge motor will warm them up in no time and he will think it’s the fridge that smells and will
be too docile to look behind it

Put a shit load of post it’s all over the walls

Throw cheese slices on his car especially whilst it’s hot . The cheese will melt and will be a bigger to get off

Buy one of those fake winning scratch cards and send him a card on his birthday from someone he knows with the scratchcard in .

Buy those fake penalty charge yellow stickers and put them on his car every other week or so

Erm I think I have anger problems 🤣