To ask you for your best revenge ideas, real or imagined

[BonfireToffee]

Currently being dragged through the shit by the man buying my hugely abusive STBXH’s house.

As I’m the occupier and my name’s not on the deeds (“it’s my house, I paid for it”), I’ve essentially been used as a ping pong ball between these two gargantuan arseholes.

We finally exchanged today, after more than a year of absolute nonsense—delays, demands, slow drive-bys (complete with evil stares) and renegotiations.

With just under two weeks until we complete and I can finally leave this hellhole, I’m contenting myself with imagining all the terrible but legal revenge I could (but won’t) enact on these two festering boils on the bum cheeks of humanity.

And so to my AIBU: am I being unreasonable to ask you to share with me your most delicious ideas for revenge, whether they’re something you’ve done or something you’ve only fantasised about?

Please, vipers: help me get through the last 10 days in a house I never loved and never thought I’d be brave enough to leave.

PS: No bollocks about living well — I fully intend to after 16 years of abuse, but right now I want to indulge evil thoughts.

This is balm to my wounded soul, vipers — thank you for giving me a good laugh 😂

I know someone who talked their serial cheat husband into having a vasectomy, then moved out while he was having it done. Brutal lol

Love a bit of delayed revenge.

A man favourite is to plant crocus bulbs in the lawn so they spell something when they bloom in the spring

Is there anything that can be done more remotely 😄, asking for a friend.

I am in awe at some of these thought processes!

I think my perfect revenge would be ordering loads of cardboard cut-outs of people (random, could be celebrities) and hiding them behind doors/cupboards/the loft/behind the radiator, and just imagining the confused anger when discovered. Full size for big cupboards, and heads only for smaller spaces. Each labelled as the property of your ex. Bonus points if it's a celebrity your ex can't stand

I love MN sometimes!

I am far more childish than you lot. I'd draw a huge jizzing willy on the bathroom mirror, and the word COCK, so it appears when he's having a shower.

Cut the arses out of his trousers and hang them all back up neatly.

Toothbrush around the bog.

Heating on an app you can control..full blast at all times hes in the house

Pierce his tea bags so he has annoying tea bits in his drink

You are my idol 😂

Pop a poo in a box and post it.

Glitter bomb by post. A bugger to get out of carpets.

This thread is the best thing ever 😂 keeping it for future reference. I was expecting a whole pile of ‘that’s evil’ but the solidarity is immense 👏🏼👏🏼

Turn the main water stop cock off, then pierce a few holes in the pipe work in all bathrooms and kitchen. Once they figured out the water is off at the mains and then switched on again, the deluge would be satisfying..wet wet wet!

This would be for a local 'mean girl' mum who along with her daughter helped make my lovely ASD dd's time at secondary school hell. This woman walks around with a constant look of prim outrage on her face.

I would love to concrete a whole army of ugly, naked garden gnomes onto her front garden. I'd do it in the dead of night so she would wake up to them.

Won't happen but it's fun to think about!

What about a little infestation of some sort? I’m thinking like those Tupperware boxes of live crickets sold as pet food. Not expensive but very lively. Orrrr what about signing their telephone number up to a large database for lots of nuisance calls forever more. Ooo I do like this.

sew some frozen prawns into the hems of the curtains. It will take a week to 10 days to take effect (maybe quicker in this heatwave).

Give all the loos a good clean with his toothbrush?

In some way, set them against each other, so that you are not traceable as the instigator. Sorry for no examples, but they can annoy each other, while you are safe and sound.

Pet shop mice in the attic is a great idea - you can leave them some food so they can settle in nicely. Can't prove it was you - but only do it if your house is detached, or neighbours could suffer too.

Taking light bulbs is wonderfully petty, and so easy to do!

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I cut all of my ex's boxer shorts in the middle which turned them into skirts 😇
I put holes in all of his socks too, petty I know

Maybe sign them both up for loads of junk mails/referrals and claim to be the other ‘referring’ them?

Hiding fish is classic. Stink the place out. Really hidden like pp say in the curtain poles or curtain hems. You need to drive them mad searching for it.

Low wattage light bulbs at different watts around the house, so new bloke struggles to see.

Sprinkle itching powder in random places - like your ex’s clothes, on a loo roll you leave behind to be ‘nice’ 😉

I can't edit but I wish to revise my answer to cut-outs of Cilla Black. Though I'd just buy her faces and attach to cheaper random cut-out, as the full-size Cilla cut out I found was expensive (£44 vs about £11 for a random).

I've never had a hobby, but now I want to start a cardboard cut-out side hustle 😂

The gift that keeps on giving is a) buy stickers b) write Big boy call me + the desired mobile number c) enlist the help of any deviants or other likeminded people to pop them up in a variety of places (inside the cubicle in mens loos is good).

happy to help